Relate.... anyone have any experience?

[bonnymiffy]

We've been together 10 years, married nearly 9, DD1 (aged 7) has special needs, DD2 aged 5 doesn't, stepson (DS's son from a previous relationship) is 16 and has lived with us for 5 years, during which time we have major issues with him, we run our own business and never quite enough money...

I said to DH last week we need to have marriage guidance (I'm reasonably certain he is cheating but can't prove it) (if he has I want to at least know why), I didn't think things were as bad as he indicated in a fairly throw-away comment recently which is why I suggested it. After a couple of days he agreed, I've booked us in for Monday.

I'm not daft, I do know that we won't get that "newly married" feeling back, but I do want to get us back in a place where we can be happy. I think DH wants the same, but we never get time to talk due to the pressures that life has for us.

Just wondered if anyone out there can hold my hand and tell me that marriage guidance worked for them

Hi @bonnymiffy - I've had couples counselling with Relate twice, for two different relationships. I think it depends on the counsellor - I thought the first was rather good, the second wasnt great (but nonetheless it did help to go as I was touched by DH's commitment to our relationship in agreeing to come along and engage as it really isn't his thing).

I wish you luck and hope your situation does improve, it sounds tough. How do you think you might feel if the cheating is confirmed?

Hi OP, I have never had couples counselling but I worked in Relate for 4 years as a receptionist many moons ago, so got to learn the outcomes of hundreds of couples in that time (the counsellors obviously wouldn’t say anything but it was bloody obvious which way it had gone).

I’d say for the vast majority of people it was helpful. Most people came weekly, I’d say for an average of about 3 months. It was great to see the transformation in couples from when they first came, to when they ended, often skipping off into the sunset with a new understanding of their relationship.

For some, it just didn’t work. But this was usually because one party or the other refused to engage properly. And of course there were the cases where things were just too far gone to reconcile. But at least they had the opportunity to come to that conclusion in a controlled environment, so that in itself was beneficial.

I’d say give it a go. Of course it also depends very much on who you end up getting as a counsellor. But you can always ask to change if you don’t feel that the one you’re given is right.

Hi Hoovering, I love the idea of skipping off into the sunset... I know I will engage and I think DH will too, so I'm hopeful. And the average timescale is useful to know too.

Pompomcat. Hmm. I'll deal with it when I know for certain, but if I'm right then I'd at least want to know why, and if there's anything we can do to "cheat-proof" our marriage for the future. If I'm wrong then great, but if he wants to have his cake and eat it then I'm not interested. I guess I'll need to wait and see.

Just got back, so far so good, but I think w do have a way to go yet.

I really hope @bonnymiffy that the having his cake and eating it scenario is not the case!! I'm pleased he went along with you and engaged, that is half the battle. You sound positive and I wish you all the best.