Think its over, controlling? abusive?

[interrogate2018]

This may be long so apologies in advance. I think my 18month relationship is over.

My dp and I had a huge argument on tuesday evening. Really what it boils down to is that he can be extremely volatile. If he is upset about something nothing I do or say will be right, he will lash out at me verbally, demanding answers to questions he asks me, most of them in a tone of interrogation .

On Tuesday his youngest child had said something to bother him, ie that he now had "2 dads". DP's ex has been in a long term relationship for quite a while now so obviously this new man is around dp's child.

Anyway he called me up, I knew from the minutes I answered the phone that there was an issue just from the tone of voice. I happened to mention that I was attending the leaving lunch of a colleague in a particular restaurant close by work. Now I dont like this restaurant at lunchtime, early bird is great, different crowd altogether but lunchtime it appears to attract a different clientele and the few times Ive been there I havent enjoyed watching the staff be patronised and mistreated. Lots of pomposity and waving around of company credit cars.

My dp had asked me a few weeks ago to go for lucn there and I refused dueabove, however seeing as it was colleagues leaving lunch I had no choice in the venue (in fact my boss had me book it!).

I mentioend to DP on the phone that I was attending a leaving lunch and was starting to say "we shoudl go there for an early bird" when he launched an attack . said i refused to go with him but could thers - no matter how much I tried to explain he wouldnt listen. Shouting over the top of me, etc etc. My phone died and he text saying he woudl not be meeting up with me at the weekend and not to bother callign to his home etc etc.

I told him he was behaving like a bullly and he responded telling me how bad I was, that he didnt appreicate the bully comment and I shouldnt be with someone like that - so I agreed.!

I think Im happy that its over tbh, as it really is like eggshells at times wondering what is going to inflame him.

Am I wrong or is he indeed a bully! this is not the first time that he has behaved this way, he tends to cut me off on the phone during an argument, slamming the phone down and refusing to talk to me, declining calls etc.

Yep - bullying behaviour and you are so right to pull the plug on the relationship. Walking on egg shells around someone is no way to lead a life.

I'm sure you have mixed feelings about the relationship finishing, but please believe me when I say - it's the best thing that can happen!

He told you not to call his home again. Great. So ignore him for ever.

Thanks for responding. Why does he do it?- he has paid for a holiday coming up soon for me and my DC and could not be nicer the rest of the time and then this every now and again.

Honestly, I felt that no matter what I would say or do it would be wrong, just spoiling for a fight the minute I got on the phone.

Best off keeping your kids away from someone that volatile anyway, you made the right choice

I agree totally re the kids. Strangely he doesnt ever do anything wrong in front of them.

What does he get out of behaving this way - does anyone have any ideas. Thats what keeps going around in my head.

What does he get out of behaving this way

he gets dumped

lol trinity. I know that! what i mean is what is the pay off for him being so nasty?

I have no idea, who knows what goes on in peoples heads

Its so sad tbh - no need of it.

I suffer from axiety and he was aware of that when I spoke to him on the phone, as I had text him earlier about it - yet he still chose to start that argument, nearly like he enjoyed me being vulnerable or something.

There is no pay-off for them. They're sabotaging their own lives and relationships and need proper therapy / counselling.

But first, they need the insight to realise that. They need to see past the immediate stress of their learned patterns of behaviour.

It's a fairly tough process.

You can't fix this bloke, OP. Only he can do that.

awh yes, this is bullying behaviour. Its sad isn't it when they ruin what could be easily a perfectly good relationship, but gladly you have recognised this behaviour earlier on. Always better to address it as early as possible, walking away now would be so much easier than putting up with years of this and then not being able to later. It sounds like this is who he is.

Don't put up with it you deserve better. Dont't like me.

I veer between sadness puzzlement and rage! - he is trying to place the blame on me!- when he is the one who fkd up

The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans is a good book and attempts to answer why they behave like that.
From my experience with ex he handled all perceived slights with rage. To him they were real..an attempt by someone to hurt him or have power over him.
It comes from lack of insight, ability to process negative emotions and lack pf empathy.

It is almost impossible for a healthy mind to relate to a toxic personality so don't try to get understanding.Focus on the way you have felt, the eggshells and anxiety and decide that you don't want that in your life.

Perhaps you now know why his last relationship ended.
As an aside I think his son's comment would be upsetting and maybe inappropriate but depends on how involved he is as an dad. I personally don't think a child has 2 mums, they have a mum and stepmum.

I agree regarding his son and the comment being upsetting, that would upset me if it were the other way around, however the little boy is 4 and should not be in the position of having to be aware of any issues between adults. He sees his son once per week, he woudl like more but his ex doesnt allow it and he wont go to court to get more access. im now wondering why. Is he afraid something will be said in court that he might not want aired in public?....

Its shocking how accurate some of the comments are, reacting with rage for instance. That is exactly what he did. Though he is weak really in himself. He deliberately picked that fight with me as he was upset regarding his son. It eased something in him to be nasty and cruel etc. He will never be able to deal with any emotion which causes him discomfort without having someone to emotionally kick over it.

He has had several relationships 3 of them long term, 4 if you include me and none of them have lasted. All of the women left him. Common denominator here is his temper and attitude.

I once got him to admit that he was abusive. So he is aware of it. Why I stayed as long as I did is what worries me!

At 18 months he should be on his best behaviour well done you for not tolerating it anymore, the man is abusive simple as that.

I'm twisting myself in knots rethinking the conversation over and over wondering if I caused the argument but I honestly don't
Believe I did. There was an issue when issue started the conversation

I'm so angry at the minute

If he's admitted he's abusive you've had a very lucky escape. He'll probably try and hoover you back in though. Probably having the holiday booked made him think he could act out and you'd put up with his shit for the sake of the holiday. Is there any way of asking for his exes side of their story? When I heard of the (far worse) stuff my abusive ex did to the mother of his daughter I was so sickened.

He’s told you who he is, listen. Stop rethinking it, you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t waste anymore of your time or emotions on this man, he’s not worth it. Find someone who’ll love and respect you, not someone you have to walk on eggshells for.

Sounds like he’s made life easy on you by ending it. Or he’s done it as a tactic so you go groveling back to him. Please don’t

Sorry for late reply had such a sickening headache last night I switched off all the lights and lay in the dark.

I'm still angry and a bit sad - he is so paranoid - looking for reasons to jump at me - it's like he can't handle emotion or anything uncomfortable without someone having to pay - me!

You did the right thing in dumping him. This is only 18m into your relationship and he behaves like a bully.
Imagine how bad it would have got if you moved on with him?

You sound bemused at his behaviour and what he gets out of it( and rightly so)

Google The Freedom Programme. You will find some answers there. Try to go on the course to help you recognise red flags early on in future partners.( so u can dump then sooner rather than wasting 18 months with them )

Also Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that” is available as a pdf ( free) online.

Hope this helps you understand why he is like this and more importantly to reassure you that you’ve done nothing wrong.

I've found lundy bancroft! !! - thanks

Still livid though - wish it would stop it's do tiring!

If he’s still pestering you just block him from your phone.
He won’t stop because it’s further means of controlling you. With abusive men’s it’s all about control and manipulation and finding ways of keeping you in line.
He might suddenly become ‘nice’ too but it would be a way to reel you back in.

Your life will be so much better if you keep him out of it.

I agree - he is a fool!