Hard times?

[serialtester]

I'm seeing someone and they are going through a tough time. I've been nothing but supportive because I really care about them. I'm going through a tough time currently. Objectively less tough than my DP though. I could do with some support but am always made to feel that my situation is "lesser"? I'm not talking about bereavements or anything horrific in either of our cases.

I guess what I'm asking is are my feelings valid? I'm being sort of made to believe they're not.

Have you specifically asked for the support you need? Or has your DP just been a bit oblivious when you've expected them to empathise?

Some people are really crap at empathy.

I think you might have hit the nail on the head there. I haven't asked, and he's not good with empathy. Fastest solved question on Mumsnet ever. Thanks.

I hope you work it out, OP. But I would be a bit worried about 'not good with empathy' and making you feel like your troubles 'are less' than his - longterm.

I’ve learned in life that, when you want help or support, you need to ask for it. And most people will gladly give it when you do. No, it’s not in keeping with the Hollywood ideal that your nearest and dearest will instinctively know when to step in and stroke your hair and make everything better; but people often keep their distance, not through selfishness or because they don’t care but often because they’re unsure what to do or if it would be welcomed and all kinds of other reasons.

If he is actively dismissing your problems and insisting (through things like changing the subject, turning it back onto him etc) that you focus on his, then that’s different. He’s not a good partner.

When I have said "I'm struggling" he is kindness personified. But I have to say it. He never asks "how are things?" off his own bat. We've been seeing each other for a while and I think my recent troubles have changed the dynamic.