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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My world has fallen apart

10 replies

CHB · 21/06/2007 13:02

Any advice welcome. My husband and I had been together for 16 years, carried for 4. We have a little boy who is 2 and half. Last year, after my husband had been out of work for 8 months and not looking, out every night and generally not pulling his weight, I asked him to leave. I was finding it extremely hard to cope with working, a young child and a husband who couldn't do anything. I now realise he was depressed but at the time couldn't cope.
He still came round every day to see our son and we did everything together as a family (he even came to do the shopping with me). I asked him to come back a month ago. He told me he'd just started seeing someone else, but it wasn't serious and that he'd waited a year for me to tell him i still loved him and wanted him back, but he had met someone. Now he has moved in a new place with her (and her 2 children). They have been together for 5 weeks. He is there when her children aren't (she has joint custody) as he hasn't met them yet.
He seems torn - and looks really sad when he's here. He seems angry at what I've told him and all over the place.
I really miss him and now he has someone else in his life he's not coming around so often and won't do anything if it involves me. Until 5 weeks ago you wouldn't have know we weren't a proper family.
My little boy is devastated and misses Daddy and feel the same. I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world and our little boys. The reality of him not being here has just hit home and I've realised how much i love him still. Because he was here every day before I didn't think about what was actually happening..Now I feel sooo lost. I don't know what to do with myself

OP posts:
CHB · 21/06/2007 13:03

sorry - that's married for 4 years - not carried

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 21/06/2007 13:05

oh goodness
what bad timing

I'm not sure what you can do really, could you ask him to come to couples counselling with you to try and work out what to do next? I think you need some help with this.

How long ago did you realise he was depressed?

SugaryBits · 21/06/2007 13:06

I don't really have any constructive advice to offer, but just wanted to respond. I hope things work out for you x

Blu · 21/06/2007 13:12

Am rushing, but have huge sympathy.
Could you:
write him a letter.
tell him all you have written here about how you love him, how your little boy misses him, etc etc, BUT also tell him you are sorry - you let him down when he was down and depressed, you can see that now, and you are sorry.

I know you are hurt and devastated, and have dealt with so much pressure...but maybe from his pov, that is what he needs to hear. And after all - amidst the pressure that his lack of job etc put you under 9all understandable0 you DID overlook the fact that he was depressed and actually needed suport that he couldn't give himself. So, whilst being understandable upset and hurt fro your own loss, acknowledge what you did to him when you asked him to leave. his self-esteem MUST have been mashed - he reliably traipesed round the supermarket with you, 'being a family', and waiting for you to ask him to come back, he didn't have the confidence to ask you....soomeone has given him that confidence, told him they want him - now you tell him too, but mre so!

Good luck!

CHB · 21/06/2007 13:13

Stupidly didn't work out he was depressed until he told me the other week. having suffered from depression in the past don't know why didn't see it. He won't come to counselling - I've asked - I went on my own but they said they needed to see us both

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 21/06/2007 13:14

OK so what blu says I think is right
He must feel very let down
However the fact that as soon as he told you he was depressed the penny dropped and you asked him to come back must mean something to him.

CHB · 21/06/2007 13:18

Blu - that's the worst of it - because he pushed me away - I had no idea what was going on. I just thought he didn't love me anymore. It's only now i realise what I did it him at the time when he needed me most - am gutted and have told him how sorry i am. I guess there is nothing else i can do

OP posts:
Blu · 21/06/2007 14:57

I do think there is something about putting these things in writing...that you felt pushed away, that you didn't recognise his state or needs, etc etc. A lketter laying it all out.

I supose he might need to let this other 'thing' run it's course. An of course the chances are that it won't last v long - mostly because the majority of relationships just don't happen to. especially with everyone on the rebound etc. Maybe sitting giving him that time might help...whilst making your own feelings for him clear.

This is such a tragic situation.

CHB · 21/06/2007 20:47

I have written him lots of letters but not given any of them to him - perhaps you're right. It's worth a try. Although maybe i need to let him to this 'thing' and hope it doesn't work. I can't see that it will - she was still living with her husband 2 weeks ago although apparently separated - her poor kids must be very confused. I think if my husband meets them (as planned) this weekend it might make him think a bit more about what is going on. i know i messed up and i really want to put thing right. I guess only time and showing i care and i'm sorry will tell if it's too late

OP posts:
Blu · 21/06/2007 22:12

Give him one letter that says it all....

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