New man and erection issue; I'm stupidly upset!

[MrEzraGoldberg]

Wasn't sure where to post this, so thought I'd bung it here. I'm aware I'm probably way over thinking this but just had to get it off my chest. I'll try and be concise; went to bed with a new man last night and he didn't get hard. So we didn't have sex. Lots of cuddles, all lovely. But I'm surprised at how devastated and depressed I feel today. I am prone to anxiety anyway so am aware this could be a factor in how I'm feeling. I feel on the edge of tears and I know when I get in later i won't be able to stop from crying! How ridiculous is this?? I'm in my forties!

I can't help wondering if it was something I said or did and am going over everything in my mind and feeling like an idiot for some things. And it course, I'm concerned this may be a continuing issue.

I'm aware this issue probably needs to be addressed with him at some point, but I think perhaps I'll wait to see if he mentions it. I'm also concerned I'll be too emotional and start getting upset! Christ, this is ridiculous at my age! Why the hell am I so upset?? I did feel that I was falling for him so maybe I was over invested. Sigh.

Has anyone else had this issue and did it resolve in time?

As stupid as this all sounds, please be kind as I'm a wreck as it is!

It's really not your issue, is he also in his 40s? Sometimes men can't get erections for all sorts of reasons, stress, tiredness, maybe an underlying health issue. Not because he's not attracted to you, he wouldn't be in your bed in the first place if he wasn't.

Thank you, Shox, I know you're right. I do feel particularly silly being this upset. Guess I just need perspective on this; I'm sure it will work itself out. I was, and have been today, so aware of my desire to ask "was it me?" but am trying so hard not to appear needy or over emotional. Yes, he is also in his 40's and of course, these things can happen for all sorts of reasons.

Call this a shot in the dark, but I suspect he’s more upset than you are about it. Us guys are a touch sensitive in that department. I would suggest being as supportive and understanding as possible. It’ll be okay.

it's not you OP, it's him and nobody's fault.

If it happens repeatedly, you could tactfully suggest he goes to the GP to get checked out for any underlying health conditions. But for now, just treat it as a one off blip and don't mention it.

My (now) DH has this problem the first few times we slept together. I obviously never said anything and neither did he at the time but it turns out it was because he was nervous as hell and wanted to make sure everything was just right. A few times later and all was great and has been ever since. We've been together 20 years now 😍

This may well be nothing you've done or said.

I know that I've struggled to get hard when in bed with a new partner for the first time - it's mainly caused by performance anxiety and I find I worry too much for things to.....happen, no matter how much I want them to.

My DP struggled to stay hard the first few times - he was nervous & rather out of practice!

He used viagra for a while until he regained confidence & now doesn't need it at all.

May I offer a male perspective on this? I write as a man who has had this happen to himself on a couple of occasions. When you take a woman whom you find very attractive to bed for the first time there is a tremendous (albeit self-created) to be a tremendous lover and give her the pleasure she warrants. That pressure sometimes results in a soft cock.

It may be that there are other issues, but I'd advise seeing what happens on the next few occasions. There is a chance, depending on how he views things, that one soft cock leads to another and it becomes a vicious circle. For the sake of both of you, I hope that isn't the case. Rest assured, it isn't you.

Did you attempt sex and not manage it, or did you just expect him to get an erection and go from there? As men get older they often need manual stimulation to get erect. It's not a judgement on your attractiveness, it's just a physical thing.

Did either of you say you wanted to have sex? It's possible he may have wanted you to take the lead for fear of him appearing pushy.

When you say went to bed, did you both know the intention was to have sex? It's very stressful being with a new partner so can make erections difficult. Maybe try just going to bed as in going to sleep and come onto him so there isn't a pressure to perform as he's not expecting it.

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's really helped. I suspected he may not have been particularly pleased about the situation, but I don't know...yes, I did provide some assistance, but he mustn't have thought it was 'ready' enough so didn't attempt. Oh god. Why do relationships come with such hassle??

It doesn't help that a couple of years ago I was in an abusive relationship and it messed my head up somewhat; had a breakdown, self harm, etc. Mental health not superb and I find that it's relationships that cause me the most distress as emotions become involved.

He's such a lovely man though, so will be giving it my best shot.

Performance anxiety with someone new is quite common, I've suffered with it myself.

I understand how it can be a dent to self esteem and ego - no different than when the roles are reversed, lots of foreplay later and the woman is bone dry. Despite all the reassurances that this can be quite normal (like a man not getting an erection), it's still a kick in the gut on an emotional level.

I'm sure it'll fix itself when you're more confident together.

If you were with a man, who got very very emotional and upset when you didn't (for example) lubricate much during foreplay... How would that feel? Even if he didn't say it out loud and you just suspected his feelings.

Would it make you more likely to feel relaxed and turned on? Would it make you want to try again another time? If you did try again - how do you think you'd do? Would you have better sexual response after he got upset? Do you think he'd have a better experience the next time around, after getting very upset?

What if you're with a man and having an amazing time, super turned on etc. But it's your first time with him and you can't seem to orgasm.

How would you feel if he got upset about that, or you suspected he wasn't happy. Would you think him kind? Reasonable? Think carefully about how it would feel.

I want to suggest that you might be projecting all sorts of stereotypes onto this guy. Do you assume all men are rampant all day, that the only reliable sign of arousal is a huge and obvious physical response (like a huge immediate erection)? If so - you might want to get a bit of information about how arousal actually works, in men and women. And how aging can affect it. Men and women are actually much more similar sexually than you might imagine.

He could have been feeling nervous and vulnerable. As many women feel the first time with a new partner. The older one gets, the more delicate it can all become as well.

Try to see him as a whole person with all sorts of strengths, weaknesses, needs, vulnerabilities, etc. and not a collection of physical responses designed to validate you (that sounds harsh but read it a few times and think about it).

You can have sex without an erection being involved. The least he could have done was get you off.