Was this be controlling/flag raising?

[BringOutTheDancingGirls]

We were a couple in the first flush of new love.

He was desperate to see me as much as possible.

I had recently started an evening class and wished to spend Saturday mornings getting the study out the way. This was in place before we got together.

I explained that once the study was out of the way I would be free all w/e. He stated that he wanted to come over anyway. I asked him not to, that I'd rather just focus and then be done.

He came over anyway over and sat in another room. He didn't bother me while she's studying, but it was a bit off-putting.

At the time I was flattered that he wanted to be with me so much, but now I'm wondering (quite some years and many other things) whether this was an early flag (disregarding my wishes, dismissing them as not as important as his, saying surely he was more important, not respecting my work/study).

I know that many, many things that happen in relationships could be regarded as red flags in hindsight.

Just wondering.....

It could be. What would happen if you said something like I couldnt concentrate like I usually do last Saturday. I'll meet you at X place at Y oclock on saturday - ok?

It could have been. Or he could have been lonely. His house could have cold. As a student we used to hang out at boyfriends places because our student hovel had no heating. Whether they liked it or not.

Context is everything so without that it is impossible to say.

Is there a reason for looking back on this ?

I think it is, you clearly didn't want him to come over and he totally disregarded that

Yes it is IMO - he overrode your boundary.

You set the boundary, first in a polite way, offering concession (I'll be free after X time). Then stated it more clearly. (Please don't; I would rather focus) He decided to go against it anyway.

Somebody who oversteps small boundaries doesn't think (your) boundaries are important. They will often overstep boundaries in bigger ways later on. If they are a partner this will probably include sexually. They might feel they have a claim to things which are private e.g. getting involved in your career decisions or friendships. Sometimes it's a precursor to actual control although not necessarily - they could just be clueless.

Yes he didn’t listen to you or respect your wishes. I had an ex who would have done that to check up on me and make sure I wasn’t doing anything else.

Thanks.
The context is that this is over 20 years ago.

He is now my ex due to years and years of emotional abuse.
I have been having therapy.

What triggered this memory is that once again I am doing some study and I felt a flush of 'gosh, I can just get on with this, w/o him obstructing me'. I wasn't consciously thinking about it, it just came to me.

He used to obstruct my actual work (I work from home) and that was pretty obvious.

It's difficult coming to terms with things that happened so long ago and didn't acknowledge/recognise at the time, especially when they pop up out of the blue.

What triggered this memory is that once again I am doing some study and I felt a flush of 'gosh, I can just get on with this, w/o him obstructing me'. I wasn't consciously thinking about it, it just came to me.

I think it's good for any future relationships that you're more aware of "warning signs" like that. Win or learn!

Yeah I think this was a red flag.

It seems like you were fairly passive as well, instead of letting him in when he came over anyway, you could have said you were busy and made an actual plan to meet later

Don't prioritise a man over your own needs again

It would have been a deal-breaker for me. I dumped someone once for insisting I get a taxi and paying for it, when I wanted to go home by public transport.

Thank you all.
I know this is MN and people are free to say as they wish, but I'm going to duck out now as I have my answer and don't need to be told over and over again.

I'm slowly unravelling it all, with help. I will discuss this with my psychologist tomorrow.

I have been on the Freedom programme.