secret facebook messages turned on

[notsure81]

Hi,
I am just after some advice, my wife and I have been together 17 years, have 3 fantastic childen and what i believed was a strong relationship, but latley i have picked up a few nuances that triggered a gut feeling.

I noticed higher usage of her phone, a little snappy with me occasionally, a lack of spark or passion with me, she would either be all huggy and kissy or a bit distanced, if i tried to be a bit playfull and cup her bum she would go stiff or pull away, our bedroom activities fallen......just little things like that...... and i admit i got paranoid and googled about relationship advice and how to improve ours.....and also some on signs of partners cheating/falling out of love etc (really wish i hadn't), one of them mentioned a secret converstion button on messager, i admit i couldn't fight it after a few weeks i checked yesterday, she had it enabled, so i turned it off, checked this morning and it was turned back on....my heart sank.

i need your help, i love and worship my wife, I desperatly want to be wrong and 2+2 is 24 but i can't come up with a reason why she would have it on, its not automatic, you have to go to the effort to turn it on.

any advice?

Tell her what you've noticed and ask her what's causing the changes. There may be something bothering her that you're just not aware of.

I don't know that to tell you about the facebook messenger thing, I don't use it.

I've never heard of secret conversations on messenger so just checked and mine is switched on. Could it just be a default setting? I'm not sure of the relevance of whether or not messages are end to end encrypted, unless she's just started working for MI5.
I didn't want to make light of what you're going through, it's a horrible feeling, but maybe just talk to her?

Never heard of secret messages..

But I would check on your if it gets automatically turned back on?

Is there anything else that's making your spider senses tingle?

it dosen't automatically turn back on, tried....many times, secret conversation enables you to have......well secret converstions with people, messages can be set to self destruct, i don't see an innocent reason for it bar being secretive... she dosen't work for MI5 and pretty sure she hasn't joined a terroist cell.

i didn't know it existed, it looks new to me.

If you want to know if she having some kind of phone affair, why don't you ask her?

To be honest there are so many messaging apps that if she stopped using messenger then she could be on any others.

It's a bit new - start of 2018; maybe. It basically allows you to have a conversation on one device; without it showing up on any others - so if I was logged into Facebook on my phone, my tablet and my computer, it would only show on the device I was using to have the chat (say my phone). If someone looked for it on my computer or tablet; it wouldn't show.

You can also wipe the whole conversation a bit easier.

Remember, though OP, that the only thing that you think you have evidence of is that she seems unsettled and she seems to have device-locked conversations. Realistically; that suggests that she knows you either do or would be quite likely to check up on her.

I have a few conversations with friends that we have over Snapchat; precisely so that we can be very honest about situations (for me; talking about my mental health; for them, usually something similar or having a moan about their kids). We don't want those messages to hang around; we deal with them in the moment. It could be something innocent; like that, or it could not be.

Have you talked to her about how she's feeling?

i haven't talked to her about it, yesterday was the first time i have ever snooped on her phone, and i feel ashamed of doing it, she has always had complete freedom, privacy and trust from me.

if i am honest, i am also scared of the outcome although she tells me she loves me and i do feel loved, and we do make plans for the future alot i just find it a little bit strange she has this set up on her phone, she also closes down tabs on her phone when i am around and turns the internet off on her phone when we go to bed instead of having it on silent.

i just hope i am being an insecure arse, i will just keep an eye and things and try to talk to her and see if anything is wrong i can help with.

sadly i don't have a support network hence seeking advice here, being a bloke means i am awful at this shit and don't charge in like a bull

Don't post often, but I have to say I didn't know about the secret conversations option, so I just checked messenger... found it in settings and mine is automatically turned on. So make of that what you will.

Didn't know it existed and I have never turned it on. Maybe don't be quick to accuse?

Have to say from everything you’ve listed it does sound incredibly dubious. I’ve seen that sort of behaviour before. Typically does involve someone else being in the picture. Even IF that’s not the case it’s ringing alarm bells in your relationship.

It is of course possible there’s a rational explanation. Something far from sinister. I would suggest sitting down with her, somewhere private and ask to have a serious discussion about the state of your relationship. List some of her behaviour and see how she responds. If she gets defensive or dismissive I’d be concerned. On the other hand if she shows mutual concern or expresses her concerns then at least you have something to work with.

Best of luck.

I do have secret messages on, am quite private. It’s mainly because I feel a little judged at times by chatting drivel a lot. Also I worry that things ‘seen’ are often taken out of context. Also because my DH once snooped. I’d actually show him any message if he asked, I simply though feel uncomfortable with them just being open. I’m my own person, it just feels odd to have any thought or off the cuff comments accessed.

And no, I’ve never even considered an affair. Just talk to your wife about your insecurities

Where is this secret messenger? The Facebook messenger or normal text messages on iPhone/other?

why don't you just have an adult conversation with your wife?

why not just ask her whats wrong - say you've noticed she's been acting differently and you're worried about her ?

I am having an online affair and wouldn't let my DH near my phone... It's fingerprint locked.

He's never asked to see it tho.

I don't use Facebook messenger.

I've never come across this secret message thing, but if I had used it, I would probably have used it for messaging friends moaning about DP rather than for cheating. If you haven't been getting on so well, feeling more distant etc it might be that she is just pissed off (for example about the bum groping) and doesn't want you to see her messages complaining about you.

Of course, it's also possible she's cheating, but without any more evidence than a secret convo button being enabled (which others have said has happened to them without realising it) I wouldn't jump to the worst conclusion yet.

On the one hand you can argue that it's not because you have insecurities that she is cheating on you.

On the other if your insecure it's also possible that you are experiencing selective memory in which you only focus or emphasise things that fuel you insecurities.

As PP I recommend a calm and honest conversation about how you feel but without the presumption of her guilt.

I think it's a jump considering other people are saying they have theirs on and had no idea and you don't seem to have seen anything at all?

You need to discuss the problems first, rather than snoop and jump to conclusions.