am so angry and not quite sure why

[moomina]

am shaking with anger after stupid stupid argument with xh and know i have probably been ridiculous but just can't get perspective on it.

xh picked up ds (14 months) this afternoon at 1pm and said he was taking him to a fair and that I should pick him up from xh's place at 5.30 as is our usual arrangement. He then called just about 20 mins ago (i.e. around 3.30) to say they were just about to leave for the fair and could I pick ds and him from the fair instead at approx 6pm?

Why?? Why is my Xh expecting me to be his taxi service? Why can't he just get ds back in time? I don't know where this place and nor did xh - he just kept saying 'It's by soandso station' - I've never been there. He reckons they were going up there in a mates car. when I asked about car seats he was v cagey but said that of course he wouldn't put ds in a car without a carseat. i have no proof but I just don't believe him. I didn't think he knew anyone else with kids, so why all of a sudden has he got a mate with a carseat??

He then said they were on their way to the fair anyway and was really 'yeah? so fu*king what are you gonna do?' about it, which is his usual way. I just went ballistic and started screaming at him down the phone. I just don't trust him, is the problem. I feel as if I have bent over backwards to try and make this whole separation as easy as possible - he sees ds whenever he likes but is quite happy to cancel if he has something he'd rather do. I feel so sick and angry. Am I being ridiculouos losing my rag about this?

Sorry, that's so rambly.

OK, I was obviously being ridiculous then. Guess I had better go and beg forgiveness from xh...

message withdrawn

moomina - you are not being ridiculous. I have mega stresses when dh take ds out and he is a great father and we are still together! It is awful having somebody else take your baby and you have no control over the situation. Dont be so hard on yourself. If you just handed your ds over and didnt care then that would be a problem.

I think that the better communication and the more you accommodate your xh the more information you can find out from him about what he is doing with ds without getting his back up.
Like twiglett says be as involved in the arrangements as you can.

I hope this works out ok for you today. When ds in bed tonight have a big bar of chocolate and a glass of wine!

I think moomina's worried that ds will go TO the fair without a car seat.

Moomina, there is nothing like an ex and contact to wind you up. They don't have anything left to wind you up with so they use that. It's the kids that get hurt the most, sadly.

I try so hard not to get arsey about all of this. I have helped him so much since we split, constantly feel guilty about the whole situation, and I feel he is just taking advantage. Like I say, xh sees ds pretty much whenever he wants. On Friday he was meant to be taking him and then an hour before I was due to drop ds over, xh rings to say he's at meeting in London and can't have him Couldn't be bothered to let me know any earlier and whole attitude was like 'What's the f**king problem with that?' And yesterday he just had something better to do, which is why he's seeing ds today. He just thinks I have nothing better to do with my life than run around after him. He does what he wants when he wants and I just have to accept it. Just like when we were together.

And yes, although I know he would never intentionally do anything to put ds at risk, it's the things he doesn't think about that frighten me. I honestly don't think there was a carseat but I can't prove it. He just knows which buttons to press, and I lose the plot.

moomina, this situation comes up time and time again on mn - the business of absent fathers messing the mother about over contact.

I am sure that most of them do it purely to insult and annoy you. I would definitely go to a solicitor and formalise contact details. Then if he misses contact, he has to go without until the next scheduled meet. I am sure that you have been trying to be decent and fair to him and hoped not to have to involve solicitors, but if he is going to be like this why should you have any compunction about sparing yourself the grief? Life is hard enough, you just don't need it.

With a bit of luck just the threat of formalising things will be enough to get him to act more reasonably.

Moomina,
I do sympathise with you greatly.My DS is 10.His father lives in India now sees him max once a year.Yet he can still be an hour late when he hasnt seen him for 18 mths!!
I know what you mean by being able to wind you up and press the right buttons.
I have married a nice man now and although Im in a great place my ex can still really wind me up 9,000 miles away!He even gets his friends to call me to tell me to ring my ex!Classy!
Darling, just take a deep breath and be nice to him.Be sarcy without him realising!I find it makes things bearable without having to hit him!!

at all of you.

Have just had flaming row when I went to pick ds up. Felt awful. Got home and rang him to try and talk it through. He did apologise, and I know I have some big trust issues that I have to try and get over. It's just that ds is my little baby!! It's so hard to let him go and I know that's ridiculous. Xh is really not a bad guy and I hate arguing like that. Aaaargh. I did threaten solicitors earlier but really don't want to go down that road. I just want a bit of notice if he's not going to take ds, and a bit of understanding that I'm not prepared to be his taxi and that I do worry about ds ALL THE TIME!!! There's a lot of other stuff going on that makes it really hard to keep my cool at the mo but I shouldn't have lost my rag. Just wish I could be more relaxed about the whole thing.

Dont get me wrong,im only able to dish out good advice, I can never practise it!I always swing for my ex.Its just a bloody awful situation for anyone.Hope you have a good evening.

Moomina - I know exactly where you are coming from, been there, done that, got the teeshirt...and still doing it! My ds is nearly 7 and my now xh and I split up 5 years ago.

I totally agree that if this continues to happen, you should do as Anorak suggested and formalise arrangements - I wish I had done it years ago. I would have saved myself A LOT of stress like you are having.

I know what you mean about being reasonable and that he may not necessarily mean to put your ds at risk (no carseat), my xh is still winding me up in this way. For example, my ds used to be asthmatic and my xh used to smoke around him and take him into a smokey atmosphere. His car has an overflowing ashtray which blows around everytime he opens the door, his cars are pigstys on wheels.

My ds came home on Sat (seen his "dad" for a total of 5 hours in 3 weeks) having been at a wedding and then told me that his dad's g/f was expecting a baby and they were going to get married. (No. 4 child and 3rd wedding). I have to ask myself where this puts my ds - at the bottom of the pile as far as xh is concerned.

I HATE the thought that you or anyone out there is going through the same s**t that I did/do. If he pulls another one like that - formalise arrangements - even by yourself to start with. That way, you all know where you stand, and if he misses a visit - he has to wait until the next one. You are not beeing ridiculous, you are a Mum and it is natural to worry. Good luck and hugs. x