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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my husband controlling? Are we splitting up? So confused!

12 replies

aries22 · 22/11/2018 10:57

Hi first post but need help! Married 24 years, two girls 16 and 12. Several issues at play here, firstly eldest daughter, mature for her age, very smart and doing well at school also needs a lot of my time driving her and her friends/ boyfriend around which I don’t mind, we live in a rural area no transport. I am keen to make sure she is safe and communicating with me so will pick her up whatever time. DH doesn’t like this, but this is not his main gripe. He wants sex all the time everyday but I have gone off it, obliging to keep him happy. Anyway over the last few months he has become increasingly unsettled firstly saying I do nothing criticising what I do or don’t do ( my parents both died in the last 2 years and as an only child have stuff all over the place but that’s another story!). He has threatened to leave on almost a weekly basis goes out in the car and then comes back because it’s too cold ! Now moved into small spare room and made noises about finding a flat but doesn’t want to move into a bed sit. Then asks for sex as says he’s not a monk and not got anyone else. Oh and thinks I have someone , I don’t. So confused I get used to the idea of him going and he says he still loves me , probably to get sex ! Guess I have been giving in to keep him happy for years! So to summarise we disagree on parenting our daughter, he clashes badly with her if they do talk, and he says I don’t fancy him as I don’t want sex and keeps threatening to leave . What can I do, no family and only couple of friends who say he is a twat! Anybody had similar?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/11/2018 11:12

and he says I don’t fancy him as I don’t want sex and keeps threatening to leave
Tell him the truth.
You DON'T fancy him. The way he goes on all the time puts you off.
And NO you don't want sex. To be constantly pestered for sex from someone like this is again, a turn off.
Next time he threatens to leave, tell him you'll help him pack and then kick him the fuck out.
He sounds horrendous.
And yes he's controlling. But you rolled over before. Now you are standing up for yourself and he doesn't like it.
He thinks manipulations, blackmail and threats will bring back in line. But that's not working.
You've put up with this crap for years.
Time now for YOU!!!!
Enjoy the freedom.

aries22 · 22/11/2018 11:30

Thank you so much I know you are right! I need to grow a pair but so easy to feel sorry for him has depression, which does get blamed for a lot. I am getting more assertive and think he knows I am actually quite happy having my own bed but it is definitely weird to ignore someone and then want to have sex. I know it is important my daughters don’t see my doormat behaviour as a relationship model. !

OP posts:
PolkaDoting · 22/11/2018 11:44

If he’s moved into the spare bedroom in preparation for moving into his own flat then surely you are split up? In which case why would you have sex with him?

AgentJohnson · 22/11/2018 11:51

definitely weird to ignore someone and then want to have sex.

Err no, it isn’t for a twat. He wants a convenient orifice to wank into and if he could do that regularly without engaging with said orifice, that would be a win win for him. God only knows what your daughters are learning from living in the same house as this pathetic pig.

What would your advice to be to one of your daughters if they were in a relationship with someone similar to their dad?

Trinity66 · 22/11/2018 11:51

Stop having sex with him and get him to leave, he sounds horrific and it's insulting to anyone who suffers with depression to say that's the reason for his vile behaviour

notapizzaeater · 22/11/2018 11:53

He's abusing you emotionally an physically. Say no and tell him to jog on.

AgentJohnson · 22/11/2018 11:54

He’s not going anywhere unless you kick him out. The whole spare room move, is some pathetic ploy to frighten you into putting out. Not realising that this action has provided you with some respite from his grubbiness, idiot.

aries22 · 22/11/2018 11:59

I know you would think so , but after a couple of days says let’s try again , which I have to say does make me unhappy, but go along with it as the atmosphere in the house is better for all. Sure he mainly does this so he can get back into the bed. The more I write this all down realise how pathetic I am being !! Whether he will actually man up and get flat is another matter, horrible situation and I know I need to do something other than keep giving in but feel guilty about DDs. Eldest has even called him a narcissist! So many little comments he has made, petty and snidey how can he still say he loves me? That’s what makes me feel guilty.

OP posts:
PaleRider1 · 22/11/2018 12:08

Easy answer to this.
He’s an abusive twat
Your children see him for who he is.
Stop having sex with him for an easy life.
Stop agreeing to give it another go.
Tell him it’s over and mean it.
Stop being a doormat.
Your marriage was over a long time ago. The only reason he hasn’t gone is because he knows he’s got an easy ride and you’ll roll over and be the dutiful wife

aries22 · 22/11/2018 12:25

It is truly pathetic, all the mind games and mr nasty one minute nice the next is seriously doing my head in. Your comments are really helpful I need to end this cycle and actually put me first.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 22/11/2018 12:29

Your comments are really helpful I need to end this cycle and actually put me first

You and your DDs, that's no example he's setting for them of how women should be treated in relatinships

SingingSands · 22/11/2018 12:37

You deserve better than this.

Ignore the whining and bad behaviour and start pressuring HIM to leave.

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