DS2 bullied by the children of good friends

[Cobblersandhogwash]

Ds2 is 8 (year 4).

He's a nice kid. Uncomplicated, friendly, average academically, good at art and rugby.

I've made friends with the parents of some of the boys in his year. We socialise together, support each other through hard times etc.

I thought he was also friends with the boys of these parents. It seems not. It seems he's being bullied by them. Head being shoved into football nets by one of them, actively excluded at break time. He's only just told me.

I have witnessed some nasty behaviour towards him on a play date from two of these boys. I simply said the play date wasn't working for us and left. No drama. Just left politely and told ds2 to avoid those two boys in future.

I've emailed his form tutor about the latest incidents ds2 has reported to me. But ds2 has already warned me that the boys close ranks and deny anything has ever happened. That doesn't matter to me because I will be like a steady, dripping tap if it continues.

However, as I said, I am very friendly with the parents of these boys. I don't think though that they would take kindly to me reporting their sons' behaviour to them so I've gone through the school anyway.

Meanwhile, we've all been invited to a Christmas event at one of the parents' houses. Ds2 is adamant he doesn't want to go. What do I do? Just farm him out to a play date on the day? Make him go? None of us go?

I'm not sure if I should distance myself from the parents now too.

Advice please! I don't want a fuss. I don't want a drama. If necessary, I will just detach from the parents and help ds2 avoid these boys and keep on at the school if the bullying persists. I'll be sad to lose friends but I know they won't really be accepting of the bullying claims if I approach them personally about it.

Well I hope you've pulled out of the Christmas get together.
You sound more concerned about your friend's catering situation than you do about your son's emotional and social welfare.

From personal experience I’d be approaching the parents first. My girl got accused of bullying by her friend of 7 years. The mother also a good friend of mine, chose to go to the head teacher. I only found out from the school. On asking the mum she flat out denied she’d mmentioned bullying at all. I then began hearing from other people that my girl was bullying, so I knew the mother had point blankly lied to my face. Needless to say, I stopped my girl from playing with that particular child and any child that (a) is unhappy playing with her or (b) she is unhappy playing with. As my girl no longer plays with that child our friendship has also frizzled out. Encourage your child to make more friends and it will most definite you affect your friendship. Begin to steer yourself away and hope that naturally kids don’t play together anymore, hence no reason for parents to socialise either.

I could not / would not be friends with parents of children who bully my child..end of..I was on the receiving end of bullying at school..it would of been devastating to found my parents colluding with the enemy..my vote is end the friendship and tell them why

@fedup100 You sound more concerned about your friend's catering situation than you do about your son's emotional and social welfare.

Don't talk utter rot.

This whole thread is about my ds2 and how best to handle this with minimal drama. I mention catering once and now I care more about that than my ds2. Stupid comment to make.

Try and be constructive. Many thanks.

But how could you possibly ask for advice on whether to take your son to an upcoming Christmas social event where these boys will be in attendance? I cannot believe you are even asking. I find it mind boggling that you would even consider taking him, or going yourself.
And you did mention that caterers had already been booked......as though that was a concern if all 6 of you were to pull out.
I think you need to look at your priorities. Safeguarding your child ought to be prioritised over Christmas social events with mum friends and caterers.

OP you definitely have his back, and he is your top priority , it just did not come across this way in your Op. I'd cut them right off if I saw them do what you witnessed, calmly and politely

I stopped all contact with a mum I was friends with when her boy repeatedly hit my kid.
The thing is, if you continue socialising with them you endorse their kids' behaviour, it's that simple I'm afraid..

Be strong and support him by both following the same path , this is how you build his confidence
Hope all goes well x

@fedup, my friends probably aren't aware of their children's behaviour in school.

Plus I was looking to ensure minimal drama which was why I said I would have make sure she got good notice so that there would be no drama over caterers.

Get it?

@FedUp100, I think you need to sound less sanctimonious in your posts. Should you want to come across as someone who is constructive and helpful that is.

I think if your children fall out it is still possible to be friends with the parents of the other child.

If there is bullying I don't think you can. Your child needs to feel you have their back and they won't if you're socialising at the bully's house.

If it's not resolved, then you'll have to pull back I think.

None of you should go.
You should tell the parents why.

There's no way I'd consider socialising or continuing a friendship with the parents of the child/ren bullying mine. If I was a victim of bullying and my parent/s continued a friendship with the bully's parents the betrayal would cause an irrevocable rift.

I'd pull out of the Christmas do and explain to the hosts exactly why you can't attend. It's unfortunate that they're collateral damage, so to speak, but your child must come first.

Well considering Christmas is in a few weeks and you want to give them plenty of notice then why are you hesitating?
As you can see from replies, most people say they wouldn't go if it were their child.
Get it?

@FedUp100, ting is that most people on this thread haven't come across as knobbers. Like you.

Don't go to the Christmas thing.

I was bullied (aged 15 - 17) by the daughter of a good friend of my parents. This girl ensured I had no friends at school, was actively shunned in class and at lunch time etc.
Unfortunately my mum did not believe me. She continued the friendship with the parents of this girl.

Our relationship is damaged beyond repair. I don't trust her love, her loyalty, her affection.

If my DS was bullying a friend's child, I would so want to know about it. Is there a way you can speak to them without emotion or drama and say that it's become quite frequent, so DS doesnt want to mix with them? If they are real friends they will talk to their DC and make sur eit doesn;t happen again. If they're not, they'll defend their precious DC and swear they are never like this.

I'd be prepared to lose any friendship in order to stick up for my DS. In the past I have spoken very firmly with a couple of systematic bullies because their parents didn't deal with them. I lost friends and don't give a stuff. The bullies stopped bullying my son and he wasn't scarred by it.

I'm just telling you the truth I'm afraid.
I can tell it's hit a raw nerve in you, I think that's why you're getting a little bit touchy.

That is a fair point from fedup actually, why delay declining the invite? There is no debate about the party, surely? Even if you speak to the parents first to explain and to give them the opportunity to step up.

My son was bullied in year 4 and for a few years. I have a different perspective on things.
For a start - you have done the right thing going through the school. Even if these children where the children of your very best friend and you know she would believe you...go through the school. All things that happen at school should be done through the school. It keeps things less complicated.
The next thing is...don't judge the parents for the actions of their sons that they don't know about. I mean this for your son's sake not your's. I say this for four reasons:

1. you are teaching him that if someone treats you badly - you tarnish other people associated with them and you need to treat these people badly back. Everyone should be assessed on their own merit and treated with respect unless you discover a reason not to.
2. if you take this issue out of School by avoiding the parents and they start to wonder why and start chatting at home about it in front of the children....you could be making this an even bigger issue for your son. These boys could target him further.
3. Children become bullies for a reason. Its not OK but there is always a reason. It could be they are having problems at home which get resolved and they stop being bullies.
4. and this is a very important point. An important aspect of bullying is the child finding the skills to overcome it. Your son's confidence will soar if he can find a way to stop being targeted by these boys. Building his confidence and finding him friends outside of school which will help his confidence is key . Its also important you don't create an us and them scenario by him avoiding these boys and you avoiding the parents.
5. and trust me on this...children forget and they change their tune. My son was kicked and bullied by a boy to the point my son needed therapy...two years later they were friends to the point this boy invited my son to his birthday party. To me this was the ultimate success as it meant my son had grown in confidence enough to move on from the past. If I was you - if your son does not want to go to this party I would not make him. You need to respect his wishes. Does this mean you go or don't go? Personally, you sound understandably distressed by this so its worth making an excuse or you might feel fake at the party. But I would not avoid these parents in general. The mother of my son's bully in year 4 was a mum I had known for a while. She was also in my book club. I would go to the club and she would tell me how her son was stressed at school because he did not like his teacher - in my head I would say I know because he's taking it out on my son! The thing was though - other mothers had approached her when her son had bullied their sons..and it had always turned into this huge drama that then impacted on out of school life for their children. The school dealt with my son being bullied extremely well so I never told this mum and this meant my son was exposed to less stress and drama than the other children whose mums had discussed it with the parents.

We no longer see former friends as their son bullied and hit our ds. They did nothing to stop it. We gradually saw them less and less until we had a massive row after their ds punched our ds for no reason and no longer see them. I wish we’d stopped seeing them sooner.

ittakes2 you make a good point about ensuring children have the confidence and skills to overcome bullying, absolutely key.

However, the other side of it, the bullying itself and negative behaviours, also needs to be dealt with. Not telling the parents (after telling the school is best, in my experience) effectively robs those parents of their opportunity to step up and effectively parent their child. Bullying children need as much support as bullied children.

The parents may choose to ignore, or minimise, which is their call. I do think they should have the opportunity to choose. And it is that choice that determines how the parents of bullied children perceive them, NOT the association with their bullying child.

None of you go, obviously. Your child is more important than the friendship.

Sorry but I’m with other posters on here as I honestly can’t believe that you’ve come on here to ask whether you should go to a party where there is a good chance your son would be bullied. The answer is no, and I’d explain to the parents why, no friendship is worth your sons mental well-being.

I think if you are good friends with the parents you should be able to talk to them about what's going on. Keep it to the point, don't blame the parents, and nicely say I was hoping you could sort it out rather than having to go to the teacher about it. Obviously stop all play dates. If they get upset and don't talk to you again, it doesn't matter as your child is more important. Maybe they will step in and put a stop to it.

Just remembered that a good friend of DS1s started bullying DS2 at school. When he asked to come round to play I said, no, he had to prove he had stopped bullying DS2 by not doing it for two weeks and if after two weeks there'd been no problems, he'd be welcome back. His mother was a bit but later told me she was really happy with the idea and she and I are now very good friends.