I’m sorry for posting again I just need a point of reference. I literally feel like the ground has been taken form under my feet.
I have been building up the strength and the confidence to leave my emotionally manipulative partner. I finally got to the point where I felt I accepted it all this week, had a clear mind of what was going on and what I was going to do about it.
Last night was awful. The night before I had a friend over who I had been in another country for 6 months and she came over for a catch up. He went out for half the night. He came home I asked him how he was and then she stayed for another. Hour talking about her home and her pregnancy etc. When she left he made snide remarks that he hadn’t seen me and then blamed me for ignoring him all night etc. I stood up for myself put an end to the argument and went to bed.
Last night he said we needed to sit down to talk and asked what was going on. He said I had been very distant and that he was going through a hard time (we’ve been in this situation where he bullied me and I became distant and he didn’t like it before). I’d told him he had been being mean to me again like he was in the summer therefore I had been trying to keep out of his way and stepping on eggshells. He started swearing and calling me, then when I started to calmly explain to him that he had been talking to me like crap, hushing me and backing me in to a corner and making me feel bad for having my friend over... I told him not to swear at me and he told me not to raise my voice, he cried, then got mad started doing this really weird angry breathing thing. I felt scared and threatened. Then he walked out of the house and slammed the door behind him. He came back 10 minutes later and apologised. Then I sat on the couch whilst he went on about how he can’t cope when I shout at him (?!) and interrupt him and that I shouldnt do that and that he was going through a hard time at work and has been anxious and I basically should just put up with his behaviour towards me because if I didn’t I wasn’t being supportive. The water works we’re out and he was borderline hysterical about it all. Every time I tried to speak to defend myself he got mad and I had to ask him politely if I could speak.
Then what really scared me was that he speeled off all the things that he did to me, all the things I have been talking to my therapist about and twisted it all so that I was the one that did them. He told me that he can’t come to me with a problem because it becomes my problem (like the friend thing) and that I was the one who was being unreasonable. He told me that he can never win (the exact same conclusion me and my therapist came to that very day - but roles reversed).
Any way it got the the point where I felt guilty and backed In a corner like all the defence I had built up for leaving him was stripped down to nothing. I could not make sense of anything he had to say - it’s like he’s literally living in some alternate reality where he truly believed his behaviour towards me (which he also denied) was acceptable. He tried to shush me and got mad at me one night last week for asking him how much he had fed the cat and refused to tell me. I tired using that as an example of how he talks me down and controls me and he was still crying and telling me it was because I was questioning his authority and that he should not be questioned and I was bullying him!! I stood my ground and told him that I KNEW it was wrong and not right in a relationship to be spoken to like that and he still defended himself. I told him I KNEW his behaviour towards me was not okay, and he still made it seem like I was in the wrong again because he is going through a hard time and i should be supportive because he has been there for me when I have had panic attacks and depression etc.
I honestly have woken up this morning feeling hopeless and at loss with it all. I feel guilty. I feel sorry for him. I feel like I ant possibly leave him now. I just feel trapped and can’t stop crying and just need a handhold.