Dealing with the shame

[Wakemeupwhenits2019]

I’ve name changed for this, and tbh can’t believe I’m writing it. I’m in my mid 30s and have three children with my husband. I got pregnant very soon after meeting him and we love each other despite very different personalities and backgrounds. It has always felt like such hard work though, like fighting to stay happy, and over the years he’s become more and more negative with the children, and drinking more and more whilst on antidepressants. He insists he’s happy, which is obviously untrue, and as he works away our lives are much happier when he’s away, which is awful. He is generally kind, brilliant around the house and I know he loves us, but I have never ever felt like he really ‘gets me’. We rarely have real conversations and he never makes me laugh. We’ve been to couple’s counselling but it hasn’t made a difference. But I live in a place surrounded by his friends and family. We have reached breaking point and whilst I know I have the strength to support the kids through this, I’m quite an introvert person and I dont know how to get through the shame of it failing. No-one expected us to work and part of lasting so long was my stubbornness in proving them wrong.

Would you stay in a joyless marriage? He is a good man and I have made him feel so low, but he has done the same to me- we aren’t good for each other. For those who have been through a separation- how did you cope with other people around you? I know I will be painted as the wicked witch. I feel so pathetic that that is the thing that would keep me here. Sorry, this is a massive ramble, I hope it makes sense, I’m just so sad.

Shame of it? I don't get this at all...he might feel ashamed - given what you say about his drinking and negativity with the kids - but how is this shameful for you? Many marriages fail, you're not unusual and you've not acted badly. Try to focus on what's best for your kids (and you) and ditch 'what will the neighbours/ relatives /friends think' - this is not the 1950s

Thank you for replying. They won’t know what he has been like, I think I’ll turn into the enemy. How do you know what’s best for your kids though? I always thought it was two happy parents, but now it comes to me and I feel so weak. Is it worth breaking their lives apart when he is nothing like some of the awful men people have put up with on here? It seems such a waste.

My parents stayed together. My Dad was a hostile and angry alcoholic. My childhood wasn't great, mainly because I knew my Mum wasn't happy. I desperately wanted them to split. All I wanted was my Mum to be happy. But she wasn't. This affects me to this day.

Had they split and my Mum moved on and met someone else, I think I would have been much happier. Kids pick up on the emotional well being of their parents and I think it's hard for them to be truly happy when they know you're not.

Divorce is VERY common. It's almost normal.

I know plenty of couples who have divorced, moved on and have happy, well adjusted kids.

Yes, of course it's better for them if their parents are happy and together, but it's far worse if they are together and miserable than if they split. Obviously this is just my opinion and entirely anecdotal but the internal misery for me seeing my Mum unhappy for years has never left me.

There is no shame at all in separating.
I get that you feel like you have failed but you haven't.
You are not the first and won't be the last couple to separate.
Hell.... Divorce rates are heading towards 50% now.

The question you need to ask yourself is....
Is staying a waste of your life?
You get one shot at this.
You should be happy and so should he.
But neither of you are.
Don't waste your one life being unhappy.
It could be cut short at any time.
So really think about what you want.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still?. A sense of failure and being painted as the wicked witch by him if you left (and to my mind you should leave) are NO reasons to remain with this person who is drinking to excess whilst using anti depressants. My guess is that he is self medicating his long term alcoholism (alcohol is a depressant). Your own stubbornness and codependency here in keeping this sinking ship afloat has really been your undoing here. And you cannot fully protect your kids from all this either particularly whilst you all reside under the same roof.

How can you also write he is a good man (how exactly is he a good man here, your relationship bar seems very much non existent) when you ask immediately afterwards whether you should stay in a joyless marriage?. Those two sentences you write do not at all compute and it sounds also like you are trying still to put a gloss on things.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want a joyless marriage for them too, no you would not. You should not either.

Why do you feel so responsible for him, who taught you to be codependent in relationships?. Your mother?.

How would separating be seen as at all shameful for you?. That harks back to the 1920's. This is your life here and no-one should be in a joyless marriage for any reason.

Re other people well its not their relationship here and whilst you may provide some short term gossip, they will get on with their lives and they won't really care in the long run that you and he have separated. People do divorce and its not seen as shameful but almost commonplace. People that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind.

HE is responsible for his own self here, not you and you never have been responsible for him either. Better to be with your kids than to be dragged down and otherwise be so badly accompanied.

You are not responsible for his depression or his drinking. They are his responsibility. If he is saying thing things to make it your fault don't receive it.
Some counselling on your own would help. Get support from your own family if possible and one or two good friends. After those it doesn't mattler what anyone else thinks. But they all probably see him for who he is especially if he drinks a lot. They are not blind.
But at the end of the day you are not answerable to them and don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

There is no shame at all in separating. That's an old fashioned notion. And it is par for the course that you will be painted as the wicked witch...sometimes men cannot handle the truth. It sounds like you would have a much better life without him in it. Feeling a failure because of a relationship breakdown is quite natural, but over time your realise leaving was the better option. You are NOT responsible for your husband, but you are for your children. Put you and them first...sod him.