Has anyone come back from a sexless marriage?

[Bostin]

DH and I are like mates, brother and sister. Get on well vast majority of the time but have only had sex a handful of times since having children and not at all in the last 4 years.

He works v hard, ignores me a lot of the time (as busy) and has not responded to my attempts to talk about the problem. He agrees with me but then nothing changes. It’s got to the stage where I can’t imagine being intimate with him. If he was to come on to me now I don’t think I could go through with it. It’s been too long and I resent him for the fact I have spent the last 10 years feeling unattractive.

Can this be fixed?

Doesn’t sound like it, does it? And especially if you don’t really want it to, which it sounds like he doesn’t.

No but I feel trapped as I don’t want to wreck my kids lives.

I wanted a sex life with him, but it feels like it’s too long gone. All of the efforts to restart it over the years have been down to me, but the years of nothing just made me feel so unattractive.

My understanding is, it's not about the sex, it's about 'Intimacy' (in to me you see). Sharing your thoughts and desires and time for each other? And therefore sex is a 'by-product' (for want of a better word) as a result of feeling/being close to each other? So making time for each other should maybe come first?

I've actually read posts somewhere?, where couples have actually restored their sex lives so it is possible but it's such a difficult area to restore because it's a sensitive subject. Doing novel things together apparently increases the love for each other so maybe participate in a new activity together? Skydiving?!! 😂

Couple of glasses of wine and this quiz?!

goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hlg-36-questions-can-make-two-strangers-fall-love/

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. DH thinks he can fix it by grabbing my boob.

The quiz might be interesting. I was expecting the Monogamy game (got that a few years back!)

This is why there are websites where married people in your situation meet.
They also want to keep the families together and just fix this one thing. At least for a while.

For some it ends up a long term solution. For others, just a way to gather strength to leave.

But no - when the loss of intimacy is this far gone - there is no way to bring it back - especially with the other side not willing to work on it.

Leaving now, or totally giving up on sex are also options. But it’s just sad.

Jeez. Not much of a choice is it?

Being single is the unknown, but I’m scared of spending the rest of my life like this

Google John Gottman and his body of work/ books. Decades of studying relationships etc.

Here's a taster:

www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/

www.gottman.com/blog/building-great-sex-life-not-rocket-science/

Forgot one more option, but it’s not for the faint hearted...

You can tell him that you want to open up your marriage - so both can have sex with others... Agree on boundaries and try that.
It’s not easy - most people can’t seal with this level of disclosure.

And while MN would tell you that the honest way (or leaving) is the best way to deal with it - I am not sure.

I know plenty of people who don’t want to have sex with their spouses, and would prefer not to know what their spouses are up to.
However - making that official seems too hard.
So it’s - don’t ask / don’t tell.

I should really name change for this but I think you are me further down the line. We’ve got one ds, 2.5 and it’s almost 2 years to the day since we’ve had sex. Is your self esteem not suffering? Mine was not great before but now it’s broken beyond repair because the fact he doesn’t want to fuck me makes me think I must be repulsive. If you don’t feel like that, please can you tell me how?

I want to have sex with him too, but I’m considering broaching. The subject of sex outside the relationship because I’m 31 and don’t want to feel so undesirable.

You need to be clear and he needs to know that if there aren't tangible improvements you're willing to walk.

Yeah self esteem definitely at an all time low.

It's shit but I don't think it's fixable, sorry. If he hasn't wanted sex for years I can't see him suddenly becoming up for it. Are you intimate in other ways?

We have come back from long droughts before (especially while the children were tiny and cosleeping, and I was nursing). We started going on weekly dates, kept communicating, dressed up for each other, but the most important factor was that we started paying attention to our diets and running together (paying for a babysitter if necessary). That helped SO much I can't even describe it. It boosted DH's sex drive as he lost weight and got fitter, it made me so much more confident and happy in how I looked, and we found it so easy to talk while jogging. It also meant we found it easier to fall asleep, so then we were more rested generally. And finally, we tried to do various things to dissociate bedtime (exhausted, end of day, kids usually playing up or even in our bed) from having sex. So making time elsewhere in the day/week (often after running and showering together).

The main thing was that we didn't feel it was a lost cause, kept communication and affection going even when there were barriers in the way, ie babies or toddlers. It always felt like it would come back when we were ready for it, and with a little work from both of us and allocating time, it has.

I do think the emotional closeness side is the most important though. Anyone can schedule in a 5k park run or a date night, but if you have nothing to say and don't enjoy each other's company then sex isn't going to be on the cards.

Thanks for your advice xiaoxiong. Thing is we do get on but it’s just like we’re mates. I have long felt second best to work and kids though so have built up a life without him. He goes away for work and I don’t miss him. I used to but not any more.

My h and I split up earlier this year and lack of sex was a major factor. He worked shifts and his work and sleep always came first, there's only so much rejection you can take.
It's not an easy situation, we were best friends and losing that friendship was very difficult, but we've both moved on and are in relationships with other people. It's been 9 months (we're still living together due to finances, but living separate lives) but we get on better now than we did when we were together, I guess when the pressure to pretend to be a happy couple has gone, what we're left with is a kind of mutual respect and tentative friendship.
On the positive side, while I have some regrets, my new dp is amazing, it's not just the sex, it's the whole being with someone who listens to me and respects my opinions, who actually wants to talk to me and spend time with me and looks forward to our time together. My point is, I didn't want to be in the same position in 20 years, we only had the kids in common and while it was terrifying to make that leap, I'm so much happier now.