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Relationships

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Original poster

What if you just don't fancy your partner?

21 replies

Empress · 30/08/2004 15:19

can any amount of talking, counselling,fantasising, whatever, make you want sex with someone if you really don't fancy that person? i'm interested in the answer because if it's no, then many relationships must be doomed to sexlessness forever; if it's yes, then does that mean that anybody could fancy anybody else if they worked hard enough at it ?(no pun intended!)

OP posts:

lavender1 · 30/08/2004 15:24

are you in a relationship with someone you don't fancy Empress?

posyhairdresser · 30/08/2004 15:27

Have you ever fancied the person in question?

Branster · 30/08/2004 15:57

i shouldn't think so. if you fancy someone, it comes naturally to you, it's from within. i don't think you can train yourself to desire someone if it's not there already.
i would imagine in some cases, where there was some sort of relationship/frienship there might be a dicovery phase which could lead to a one way or reciprocal physical attraction at some point, but imo tere must be some 'sparkle' already there and was not noticed before. just my own ideas...

lulupop · 30/08/2004 16:45

Empress, I'm in a sort of similar situation myself. Basically my relationship with DH is OK - I do love him and he's a good father, but I don't really fancy him any more. He's never been exactly slim, but has really piled on the weight since DS was born, and I've ended up feeling like, "Well if you can't be bothered to make a bit of an effort for me, then why should I put myself out to summon up some physical desire for you?" Not very nice I know, but I can't help how I feel. Since becoming a mum I've struggled to keep myself looking nice, partly for myself but mainly for him, and yet he seems happy to just slob around in clothes he knows I hate, eating and drinking whatever he wants whenever he wants, and thinks that if I don't fancy him quite as much as I used to then I must be really superficial.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that these sorts of feelings go hand in hand with other problems in a relationship, but actually I don't think it's realistic to say that if you love someone, you'll desire them whether they're 12 or 20 stone. I do still want sex with DH occasionally, but it's only when I'm feeling especially affectionate and never because I just look at him and think Mmmmm. Given that I've always been pretty keen on sex, I find this really hard. But then, we have 2 children together, we get on well enough, have a nice life together, and I can't bring myself to throw all that away just for the physical side of things.

Rambling a bit and don't really have the answers - I think the answer is No, you can't MAKE yourself want someone - but you can make the best of what you have. In our case, after a year or more of subtle himts, encouraging weight loss on a health basis and so on, I basically pointed out the fact that people do tend to look better if they're not carrying a couple of stone of extra weight, which of course didn't go down well and now we have all sorts of pointed comments about it. It's horrible, and I'm just trying to back down and focus on all the things I do like about DH, who is a lovely man at the end of the day. Just a self-indulgent one!

Has your relationship up to now been a very physical one? And who is the more sexual partner? Is your DH/DP feeling neglected? In my case, I think a large part of DH being overweight is that he's depressed - but he won't admit to it so I can't really get anywhere with that. If you thought you were going to feel like this for the rest of your life, could you live with that, or would you decide to end the relationship?

Sorry still rambling better finish. Thinking of you though

jasper · 30/08/2004 21:35

Fantastic question well put

I have often wondered this myself.

Afraid I don't know the answer though.

MeanBean · 30/08/2004 21:48

My opinion is no, you can't fancy someone you don't. But you can still have bloody good sex with them. Technique is underrated.

spacemonkey · 30/08/2004 23:55

I don't think so. Sexual attraction is a gut thing - not subject to reason, it's either there or it's not. But in a relationship that attraction must have been there at some point, so I would think that it is possible to recapture it if the problems that have caused that attraction to wither are addressed. Depends on the reason for the attraction withering though.

KateandtheGirls · 31/08/2004 01:36

I wasn't physically attracted to my husband when I first met him. I mean, I didn't find him repulsive by any means, but there was no sexual spark there. There was definitely a connection though and as we got to know each other more he became in my eyes more and more attractive. I think it went hand in hand with falling in love with him. By the time I got to the stage of loving him so much that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him then I could just look at him and my stomach would have butterflies.

Sadly he's no longer with us but I can't imagine not fancying him. Maybe if our relationship went bad and I didn't love him any more then I would have stopped fancying him. I don't know, and to be honest I don't think that would have ever happened.

I have no experience of being in a relationship with someone that I don't fancy.

wild · 31/08/2004 13:48

MeanBean you're a star

millipede · 31/08/2004 14:22

I think I must be married to the same man as lulupop. My husband has put on weight, and whilst I love him to bits, have the best laugh with him, couldn't imagine my life without him, and enjoy the physical side of things with him, I don't look at him and think 'phwoar'! I defy anyone so say honestly that their partner being fat doesn't make a difference to them in terms of how much they fancy them physically - ie, Brad Pitt as he is now, or 4 stones overweight with a belly? I rest my case.

wellsie · 31/08/2004 14:31

I've been with DH for 8.5yrs and in the early days I used to fancy the pants off him - literally but relationships develop and become more than just lust and desire. Both DH and I have changed since we first met (and not for the better). But I still love him, and could not imagine my life without him.
This may sound a bit weird but I don't see my DH and think "I fancy you" or "I don't fancy you" I just see DH, the man I love.

Moomin · 31/08/2004 15:21

I can compare dh1 with dh2 here! With dh1 we were friends first and i never thought of him in a sexual way until one thing led to another one night and it just slowly occurred to me that I wanted to sleep with him - so i spose i did fancy him to start with. The relationship would have been excellent if we'd stayed friends maybe -when it started to break down, the sex was the 1st casualty and i think we only stayed together so long because we were such good mates. It still was a terrible shock when it finally broke up and i missed him like crazy but no, i didn't fancy him anymore.

With dh2 I've fancied him from afar since i was about 15! When we finally got together 6 year ago I found him soooooo sexually attractive that I actually overlooked a lot of potential problems with our compatibility, something i've never done before as i always went on personality over looks. As the years have gone by we've become more relaxed with one another and we've certainly developed our relationship away from the sex, but i still fancy him like mad. I like looking at him when he's with other people or when we're out and thinking - cor he's all mine!! I think i've got the best of both worlds now. I would definitely find it very hard to accept anything less now I've had this.

lulupop · 31/08/2004 18:05

So, Millipede, how do you deal with your feelings about your DHs weight? I'm interested to know as I feel that my overall happiness with DH is to some degree determined by how much I'm willing to ignore the weight issue. Like you, I can't just pretend to myself I don't notice at all. Have you ever discussed it directly with him? Have you found any more subtle (less hurtful) ways of making him see how you feel?

lavender1 · 31/08/2004 18:15

lulupop you could be me, (overweight dh that is)

Chinchilla · 31/08/2004 20:03

The strange thing is that when I mention that my husband finds my weight distasteful, people said how awful that was (which I DO appreciate BTW), but it does not seem to be a two-way street. Just a point.

lulupop · 31/08/2004 21:22

Chinchilla, it IS a two way street - I know full well that if I openly said to people who knew us both that I didn't fancy DH as much because of his weight, they'd think I was a horrible person. I wouldn't think it was very nice if one of my own friends told me that's how she felt about her DH. And yet it is how I feel. It's like the elephant in the room. And that's why it has such a negative effect on a relationship: it's not just the superficial side - it's how your responce to your own honest feelings make you feel about yourself.

Chinchilla · 31/08/2004 21:27

OK, fair enough. I can just understand how your dh must feel. Also, it reaffirms dh's points about me being overweight, which isn't a nice way to feel. It wasn't a personal attack on you, I hope you understand.

ButterflyStorm · 10/11/2018 22:36

I know this is an old thread, but I could have just written all this myself....

yetmorecrap · 11/11/2018 12:17

Back in 2004 I told my H one night that his weight was putting me off (not fat all over just a couple of stone all on his gut) I felt a total hypocrite saying it as I’m a size 16 myself (but have been since we met) next thing he went and had an emotional affair , he quite often brings up too ‘when you said I was fat’. I think many blokes are more touchy on this than we think, just do bugger all about it

Huskylover1 · 11/11/2018 13:41

You should watch Married at First Sight (Australian version). One couple in particular, the woman was obviously repulsed by the man she met at the altar. Very uncomfortable viewing. But over a period of months she actually fell in love with him, and iirc they stayed together for quite a while.

I can't ever imagine doing that myself though!

Dadaist · 11/11/2018 17:17

Most people fancied their partner when they first got together. Whether that can be rediscovered after years of wear and tear and neglect is a question of each relationship- but it’s entirely different to ‘making yourself’ fancy anyone!

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