Is this control or just denial?

[Anxioustimes12]

I told OH I want to separate on Saturday. He doesnt want to. He doesnt want me to tell anyone we have separated. He doesn't want to move out. I can't afford to and have nowhere to go. We're married, I work, he's taken early retirement. No mortgage. I own 2/3, he owns 1/3. He's just carrying on as before with his life but is very upset. I was unhappy before but now I'm confused, anxious, i feel awful, keep crying, cant concentrate etc. He keeps asking me if we can try again, what chance is there that we can get back together etc. I cant stand it, its worse than before...

It’s been less than a week since you told him. You can’t expect him to have got over it already. Given that you’re married and both own the house you both have every right to be there. I suggest seeking legal advice. In the meantime, move into separate rooms to get some space. Tell him it truly is over and in a week or two when he’s had a bit more time to get past the shock you can raise the question of divorce and housing.

Assuming you definitely wish to end the marriage, suggest seeking legal advice and proceeding with divorce and to sort out what happens about your property. In the meantime you will need to live in the property with him, unfortunately, unless there is something like domestic abuse that could provide grounds to seek legal means to make him move out.

And tell whoever you like that you have separated.

And no, this alone is not control. Can you imagine if a man came on here and said he’d told his retired wife he wants to separate five days ago and she has asked him not to tell anyone yet and has asked him to rethink and hasn’t moved out and asked ‘is this control’? You sound pretty heartless. These things take time.

Also you already knew before breaking up with him you couldn’t afford to move out, so what did you expect to happen? Did you assume he would move out just because you own a slightly bigger share? It’s usually the dumper who moves out at least temporarily given that they’ve had time to prepare emotionally and practically. You’re married so what percentage you own is irrelevant, you both own it together so he can remain if he wants.

Have you posted before? Sounds terribly familiar.

Anyway I’m sorry you’ve decided to separate just as I’m sorry your being made so miserable. If you’re dead set on this I’d just go ahead regardless of his opinions.

Tell him he doesn’t cooperate you will Consult a solicitor and start divorce proceedings, organise the sale of the house. Then you can split the proceeds and you can get a place of his own, or if he prefers a tent in a field.

Don’t sleep in the same room as him and by all means tell everyone. Tell the world. It’ll be short term misery but long term peace. Better than a life long hell. Good luck.

Why should he move out though? You're the one who dumped him, why don't you move out, he has no job, you do

Yes, I have posted before. The situation between us has been on going for sometime and this has not come as a complete surprise to him. I'm not heartless at all, I think that's pretty unfair, but of course you are entitled to your opinion.
Thank you all for your thoughts.

It could be either really OP, nobody here knows him. He'd be entitled to be upset so it's unlikely he'd be happy, his life may just have come crashing down. Unfortunately, the best and only thing you can do is proceed with the legal arrangements, tell him (kindly) that you are making legal appts to work out the division of assets, and stick to your guns. You say you can't afford to move out but if you own 2/3 of a property and work that's quite an advantageous footing going forward were the house to sell and you move on. In the meantime you will have to reside together - separate rooms preferably. Keep reminding him 'we/I see the solicitor this week, I would like the house valued' etc, if you don't follow up with it he'll probably assume you'll just stay and not go through with it.

Him wanting to keep it between you is a red flag though, in that he obviously thinks he can talk you around and get you to go back to normal. You are not responsible for his feelings and preferences of they don't match yours, particularly if it is over. I would start telling friends and family asap and get it out in the open, whether he liked it or not, his approval isn't required, you have told him it's over?

Are you reconsidering separating? If so make sure it's for the right reasons- Aka you love him and want it to work and there is evidence it will, not the fact that actually it's going to be a drag and he won't let you do this and that and he's making you feel bad so it's 'easier' to try again.

I do have a job but am on a low wage and can't afford to rent in this area. I have no family or friends who can put me up. His pension is twice my wage.

Sounds like denial to me.

"He doesnt want me to tell anyone we have separated."
Tough. Tell who you want. This is a time when support from friends and family will be important, and that will most certainly involve talking abut the separation. Definitely do NOT keep it a secret, which is what he is asking you to do.

"He keeps asking me if we can try again, what chance is there that we can get back together etc."
Ensure that your responses are an unambiguous "no". Don't soften it. Don't say anything that could make him think if x, y or z were to happen you would be willing to try again. Just a straight no, every time. This is also why it's important to tell others that you have separated. Once other people know he can't kid himself that it's not really happening, just a glitch, etc.

I’d definitely tell anyone you like otherwise you are validating his denial.
It’s undeniably going to be difficult sharing a house when you’ve decided to separate and you have my full sympathy as I’ve gone through the same thing

I wouldn't bother trying to work out why. You need to deal with the reality of your situation. That the house belongs to both of you, regardless of the investment. So you are both entitled to live there until you agree how to split the equity and pensions or have that decided for you (in court).

So if he is getting any kind of reasonable advice it will be to stay put in the home. Because it is the biggest asset outside his pension (which he controls at the moment). He is going to want to get as big a % of the house and pension that he can. Staying put gives him leverage because he is ok with the situation and you are not. You will compromise because you are desperate.

I mean it kindly but you need to get on to top of this rationally and move past the emotion. This is something men do well. They can be devastated but still find time to see a solicitor and move the family money into their bank account. The sooner you get started the sooner it will be over.

So start getting some good advice on how to move forward. If you can afford it see a solicitor. Otherwise try to get him to agree to mediation. Tell him that if he does you will delay letting people know.