don't know what to do

[DD87]

So ive been with my partner for 15years but the last 3/4 months im not sure if i love him anymore. we do nothing but ignore each other or worse still argue in front of our children ive tried talking to his dad about this and all he says is that i should stay with him cos we have kids together. I don't know how to talk to partner about it

All relationships go through peaks and troughs. To consider leaving a fifteen year relationship after a three month blip seems a somewhat disproportionate reaction.

You need to communicate with each other first and foremost and find out where the differences have arisen and why.

Don't care how long you have been together arguing in front of your kids is wrong imo and is damaging them; either sort it out or go argue away from them; you should never stay for kids, esp if you are putting them through shit.

Talk to each other. Suggest a time where you can both have a heart to heart about what you each need from each other.

If the relationship feels stale, chances are it's stale for him too.

Make sure this isn't framed as a 'you need to buck up your ideas but as a truly open conversation where you can both talk about what you need, where you feel you've ended up and discuss what you can both do (no blame).

Talk about what brought you together. What you like and admire about each other. If not now, before things turned this way.

Can you say a little more about what you're arguing about? Are there well-worn themes, or lots of niggles, or both?

How Is it affecting your DC?

And what has it got to do with your FiL? Do you think he can help because his son is being unreasonable or aggressive?

Sorry for all the questions.

How is it you can't talk to him about it but you can talk his father?
Why can't you talk to him about it?
What are you arguing about?
When was the last time you were happy?

You can talk to his Dad about it but you can't talk to him?

Seems a little odd.

Would you consider marriage counselling?

I can talk to his dad cos his dad is an easy person to talk to my partner can be very hot headed at times ive tried talking to him about this but he just shrugs me off. can't really remember the last time I was happy i know arguing in front of my children is wrong and I honestly hate doing it i would never stay just for my kids. I feel bored in this relationship and partner just won't listen to me

So what are you planning to do about it?
You need a plan.
He either bucks up, listens and goes to counselling with you (although I suspect he may be abusive and if he is that is never recommended) or he fucks off.
I think you may be scared of him.
Start to investigate what separation looks like.
How you would cope.
Where you would live etc....
Then take it from there.

'Very hot headed'? Are you scared of him?

I have thought before about separating and think id cope perfectly fine my parents have said me and the kids can go to theirs if i ever needed to. I don't know how to bring up the subject of us separating to him

my partner can be very hot headed at times ive tried talking to him about this but he just shrugs me off

When you say hot headed, what do you mean? Does he shout at you? Raise his voice?

You have to sit him down, calmly, when the DC aren't within hearing and tell him clearly and plainly that you're done. And that either you are leaving or he needs to.

But don't do this until you've got everything lined up to do a disappearing act if you're worried about him being 'hot headed'.

he raises his voice throws things and threatens to smash things up

That's not being hot-headed. That's being an abusive arsehole.

In that case, totally ignore my advice about sitting down for a nice chat.

Get everything arranged with your parents, get all the paperwork you need, get some legal advice and get the hell out of there.

His Father is advising you to STAY? Fuck that.

I would also seek the counsel of Womens Aid to help you in leaving this relationship. What you describe here re his behaviour is domestic violence.

That is a terrible thing for your children to be witnessing so yes absolutely you shpuld leave. You don't have to stay in any relationship, never mind how long you've been together

OFFS, please get your children away from such a horrible damaging environment; he's abusing them and you; time to go or get rid!

And his father is wrong on all counts as well, no-one should stay together for the sake of the children. They are not glue nor should be used as such. All that teaches them is a further lot of damaging lessons on relationships.

You don't need to stay in a shit marriage. He sounds vile, tbh. Ignore his dad, too.

he raises his voice throws things and threatens to smash things up
That is full on abuse.
You need to get out.
Your DC should not be brought up in this environment.
If you are struggling to leave then please contact Womens Aid.
They can help you with an exit plan.

thank you all for your advice im currently in the process of coming up with an exit plan with women's aid ive well and truly had enough of his disgusting behaviour around our children. thanks again x

Great news @DD87, please keep posting here if it helps. There are many wise women who have been through something similar who may be able to help or just offer support. Best of luck with the exit plan.

Very glad you contacted Womens Aid.
Hopefully you get away quickly.
Well done OP!

I'm very glad for you, that you've started your plan.

Keep coming back here when you need to, and when you need support.