Anyone with young DC and a DH who studies?

[AlpineButterfly]

Does anyone have any tips/advice?

I'm finding this really bloody tough. I have 2u2 with no childcare and then work evenings. DH currently works days but has handed his notice in to continue his degree full time.

I'm tired. Resentful. Touched out. Do basically all the housework.

To DH's credit, he does do his share of night wakes. Spend as much time with the boys as he can although currently this isn't much and when he's studying he is genuinely studying.

I guess I need a positive pick-me-up. I can't wait till he finishes work. Although this is added pressure on me to earn and also both of us to cut back further on spends. I'm in 100% agreement about him finishing work but I'm tired of just how unavailable he is.

He signed up to a PT course, but turns out it isn't really very PT at all. I think I have a touch of the martyr going on but I don't want to break my marriage in the process of DH becoming qualified

How much longer does he have left? How present and available is he when he's not studying? Do you have family nearby to help out?
I had exactly the same situation as you! It broke my marriage but that was because when my xh wasn't studying (which was rare) he wasn't mentally present or emotionally available. He treated me like a live in babysitter. I suppose he was exhausted but then so was I. Also he finished his degree and immediately applied to do a postgrad and I just thought, no way am I continuing like this.
Will you get 15 hrs free childcare when your oldest is 2? Can you ask family or friends to take your dc out for a couple of hours a week?

He's roughly 3 months in to his 5.5 year course!!! He's really good when he's around. Although unfortunately because I work evenings it means we both mostly solo parent. We have a couple of sundays a month as a family but because we're both so tired we also tend to divide and conquer those days too.

I should get the 15 hours free. I think. No help from family apart from my mum coming to visit on the odd occasion. I have friends but those who would be willing also have young toddlers and so are unable to handle two more.

Boys are 22m and 10m if it makes a difference - so both pretty mobile. No sleepy newborn involved unfortunately

I guess he does spend a fair amount of time when we're together annoyed at my frustration. It's probably sleep deprivation mostly as the toddler mostly sleeps through but does go through bad phases and the baby is just the most awful sleeper

Been there, done that. What kept me sane was findin fun things to do with kids when DH was studying weekends and the occasional kids meal out at the local supermarket cafe when I couldn’t face cooking. Bean on toast at our local Morrison’s cafe. Different for them, cheap for me and then home to bed.
I didn’t stop my life while he was studying. He got qualified.
We used to go to the library, park, friends houses etc. At weekends go and see my parents. Then he could get on with it in peace and I got a break too

5.5 years!!! Hope it will be worth it!
When/if you get the 15 hours things should ease up a little for you in the daytime. They're at tiring ages, I feel for you. Can they nap at the same time? This was my saving grace for about a year or so.

I think you need to talk. If it is a part time course, which it must be given the duration, then he might be struggling to settle. You have to make this work over a very long time though, so he has to get the balance between study and family right. You don't have to pick up all the slack! I would give him a grace period to work things out but would tell him that's what it was, and you need him to transition into doing more. If he's not working and only studying part-time then he can do more with the kids. This is a marathon not a sprint so get the balance right now or you both won't last the distance.

For what it's worth I'm studying full time, and working part time and have a LO who wakes at least twice per night. I do the night times. Don't be fobbed off.

It's a degree which is 5 years full time as 5.5 years part time. The number of credits per year add up to full time - apparently it's a 'heavy' degree. As far aa i can tell the only thing that makes it part time is that the lectures are across two weekends a month.

Thanks all for your comments.

This happened to me. Husband working FT and studying for professional exams. I basically hated him for about 5 years but I love him again now! What helped me was getting out of the house - we shared a small flat and when he was studying it was really stressful to have the kids in there, plus I got terrible cabin fever. I would take them to the park or out of our city - also helped with tiredness from sleepless nights. I also went to stay with family in the run up to big exams - I got some help and wasn’t stressing about distracting him. I guess it also made me much stricter about bedtime. I often had them both in bed by 6.30 so I got a bit of a break.

Wait, so he’s quit his job to ‘focus’ on studying even though it’s for a part time degree? Did you both agree he’d do this?

If he’s studying full time now I take it he’s converted his course to get it done more quickly now he has full time hours to study? How is he funding living without working?

My spidey senses are going off a bit here, I know lots of people, myself included, who studied for full time degrees and MAs while working full time hours so it seems a bit odd he’s quit his job for a part time course unless you’re independently wealthy or he’s planning to be a full time SAHP while studying.

Quitting his job and becoming a full time student when you have 2 tiny kids isn't the best idea. Also what is he studying that takes so long? Could you get childcare through his university? Are you sacrificing your career to support his? Once he starts working in the field that he's studying for, will it be a hard slog for many years (medicine etc)?

Both boys are generally asleep by 6.30pm which is a god send.

It is a medical type degree and it's definitely not really part time. I think it probably could be done this year if he wasn't on childcare duty while I work evenings. I do childcare during the day.

Apparently no one after the first year works full time. He'll do a few days self employed to top us up and he gets full maintenance loan because of the intensity of the course. 5.5 years includes the masters, I've just realised. Sorry.

I must admit, it's a really scary step. I'm pushing him to quit work as it's pretty unsustainable at the moment and we're both burning out.

I earn quite well for my evening work - I can cover all basic bills. Then his main loan will have to cover food. We'll have to live frugally. We're lucky our expenses are low because we both bought our first properties ten years ago. We now own this place together. Our debt levels are high though unfortunately.

In May he'll qualify with a more simple qualification and can earn more

He’s quit work to study even though you’re both in debt and have young kids?

That seems crazy to me, sorry.

Hopefully when he qualifies onto the next rung of whatever it is he’s doing he will be able to start earning, but he sounds like the sort of person to say he needs to focus on the studying instead.

Bear in mind relationships don’t always last forever. Many a spouse has supported their partner through studying by letting them quit work and funding their lifestyle only to end up splitting up once it’s complete.

Make sure this all works for you, now, not just in the distant and not guaranteed future.

Hi there, I sort of disagree with people about spidey senses, but happy to be corrected. Sometimes we don't always do the sensible or easy thing and it's bloody hard work for a while but it results in a better, happier and more fulfilled future. While my DH was working and studying, I had 2 x mat leave but also got made redundant and started freelancing. It was all completely crazy. We both kind of followed our dreams with young kids as well. I think the main thing is that this career move of his doesn't compromise your dreams - what do you want? If you are counting on being able to be a SAHM after he qualifies then that's one thing (a good friend of mine wanted this and is happy with it) but if you want to have a good career that makes you happy then don't 'put him through his degree' while working yourself to the bone in a job you don't love. My mum did this with her first husband - guess what! He dumped her when he qualified. Also, you need to work together to manage and limit the inevitable damage all this hard work and stress will put on your relationship. I did hate my DH for much of the 6-7 years he was studying, but actually really love him now, so all good!

I work part time and have one more exam to do and then I will be finished! My DH works full time and has finished his exams. We have one DC. It’s really hard and the other person does have to pick up the slack somewhat. Not sure I could cope with 5.5 years though

It's really tough to make the decision, isn't it. Not very clear cut at all. If I'm honest I wouldn't be anywhere than with my boys while they're young. The debt also won't improve while he earns minimum wage so he HAS to get his studies done.

What I do for work isn't really a career. Yes, I have a business but there's no real progression and I don't want to do it forever. I don't actually know what I do want to do. I guess I'll reassess once the boys are old enough for school/preschool.

I think he will work next year. Even if it's only part time it'll help massively as the pay will be better than minimum wage.

I like to think he won't take the piss. He definitely studies hard in all his free time at the moment.

Thanks for all the tips about getting away and getting out of the house. I might see if I can go and stay at mum's over New year as DH has a big exam in January

My husband worked full-time, and studied for professional exams part-time. It took almost 8 years - on and off (some breaks in study). It was really tough on all of us. We found the best way to cope was for him to leave the house to study (go to the university library etc), so that me and the children did not have to tip toe around him. It also meant that he could devote the time to study. I did feel like a single parent at times. However, he's qualified now, and his career is taking off, so although very tough at the time, it has worked out well.

It sounds like he needs to perhaps pull some more weight and to treat studying like a job (which doesn't get you out of parenting evenings and weekends). We had our first dc when I was mid-way through a 7 year PhD. Because I was studying, actually, I was the one with the most flexibility to carry the bulk of parenting. I was also working part-time as well. I did take a year of maternity leave in the middle of my degree, but then when I went back, I still did the nursery drop offs and pick ups most days, most of the cooking (my dh does the washing up and we share other household tasks when he's home). I did any studying at home in the evenings after we jointly did bedtime or got up early on a weekend morning so we could then have the rest of the day together as a family. I was also lecturing part-time, so probably two days a week, in addition to being a full-time student. Apart from when you need to physically be in class, being a student offers a lot of flexibility. My dh had to pull the weigh financially for those years, but I did more of the childcare and housework because I could plan it around my studies and my part-time work. So really I can't see why he can't take on more. It's the trade off for having the support of the working partner who carries the financial load.

I also don’t see how he isn’t at work, is stuying part time and expecting you to do most of the child rearing!

He finishes his ft job in a week and a half. I feel I've not done a very good job at explaining

Currently he leaves for work at six, gets home at 4.30 and I leave the house to go to work. He has the boys then puts them to bed and studies from then until dinner. He eats, studies and then we sometimes watch an hour of TV together before bed. He works one Saturday a month, is at clinic roughly two days per month and at uni two Saturdays and two Sundays per month.

Interesting that he might be able to take on more childcare. I might be able to do a few more hours at work. That'll be good.

He's chosen a really bad point in his life to start this course. 2u2 is notoriously difficult.

Couldn't he have waited until your oldest was part-time in nursery? (Assuming you get the 30 hours free for 3 year olds)

Agreed. It's really bad timing. He doesn't want to delay because it's another couple of years and we'll be nearly 40 when he qualifies. I'm keen to move closer to my family which we'll also be able to do when he finishes. Having a 6 and 7 year old is better than 9 and 10 year old when currently we can't afford things like swimming lessons, etc.

I guess we'll push through. I'm relieved he's finishing work. He's getting some self employed enquiries but will have to be careful that he doesn't take on too much as the studies need to be his focus

I was a SAHM to our 2u2 whilst DH worked FT & studied; it was hard for everyone.

Things improved greatly once he got his degree!

DH is now officially a full time student and will be doing a little self employed work this month to keep the wolves from the door. Exciting!