Is it too much to ask?

[BITCAT]

Is it too much to ask that someone who claims to love you, doesnt make you feel like well...shit!!
I love this man so much, we have always had a connection but i am wondering whether he loves me as much, as tonight he has just made me feel so down. I am not well as it is, am i making too much of it because i am already feeling down?

What's he done?

We are struggling atm money wise.
In order to sort xmas for the children we have not been able to go out as a coupke for a few months. He moaned and made me feel bad for wanting to spend some quality time with dd1 17. She wants to go watch a movie tomoz night, she was paying i have meerkat movies so it wont be too expensive. Baring in mind we took dss and dd2 to cinema last month in half term. Dd1 didnt go. He has made me feel bad for wanting to spend quality time with dd1 who has been through the ringer lately with stuff thats too much to go into.

Dont we all make sacrifies for our children?
There not going to be children for long. Im lucky my dd1 17 still wants to hang with mom.

I'm one of those peeps that believes time with DC's 1-2-1 is very important. I'm with you. The fact he is making you feel bad about it is a red flag.

Well he shouldn’t make you feel bad about it but he clearly would like to spend some one to one time with you. Surely there’s a compromise between saving for Christmas and enjoying quality time with your DH. I wouldn’t be too impressed if my DH went out with our son but said that as a couple we couldn’t afford to do anything .

Wouldnt just be a trip to cinema which is costing next to nothing for me and dd1
If me and dp went it would be a meal plus cinema plus drinks..not a cheap night. We spend most nights together, dd1 is extremely busy with work, college, work placement we barely get any quality time. Plus Dp bought an expensive game at the begining of the month 50quid, and i did not complain as i think he works hard for his money and should have something.
I am always trying to please everyone, i have 4 dc, from 12 to 20, he has one dc who lives about 15mins from us, i dont think he realises how much time the kids need at times. Dd1 as i said has been through a lot, an abusive relationship which she is still trying to recover from mentally so she needs me more than he does atm.

So you have 4 children (not his) and he has 1? Of course you are going to be busy with your children. 4 children require a lot of attention.
Do you live with him? Both earning and saving equally for Christmas? Maybe think of ways to spend quality time together that doesn't cost money. Harder in winter than summer, as you can't do picnics in parks, but maybe you can find cheap weekend activities for just the two of you.

Im not working at the moment, im a carer, my youngest has special needs and im quite poorly myself.
Yes we do live together have done for almost 10years.
Apart from this we generally have a good relationship, we were friends long before we got together.
He cant see that i need to put my daughter first atm...shes just told me shes not sleeping as she is having nightmares about her abusive ex.

So does he support you financially ?

If he is financially supporting you and your four kids maybe he is feeling resentful? Your priority should be your kids, no question, but that's a lot on his shoulders it sounds like.

My ex was a bit like this. If it was something he wanted it was worth spending on and no thought was required. If it was something I wanted or something for DD (e.g. prom dress) it has to be debated, thought about, upper limit set, wait til next pay day it. It's selfish IMO.10 years means you are a family unit so he needs to also consider DD1s needs at this time top trump his.

Is he supporting you and your 4 children and perhaps resentful of being told that his income must be saved for their Christmas presents? It doesn't make him a bad person to be resentful - quite understandable.
I think you need to fix the financial inbalance aspect in order to get your relationship on track. Does the children's father pay enough maintenance? Perhaps start there and check you are claiming enough.
I understand you are poorly, but is there any part-time work you could do while your 12 year old is at school? There's a bit more part-time work around in the run up to Christmas.

I can not work. I barely function now. I am on 5 different medications. I dont know how i am going to be from one day to the next. Up until 2 years ago i was the bread winner, i supported us all, due to an accident and following illness we have had to swap roles.
I can barely leave the house some days.
No he doesnt pay enough but getting more would cause friction that i dont want my kids in the middle of, as atm we all get on and they see a fair bit of their dad. The atmosphere would be awful if we asked for more.

Not forgetting my money when i was working was our money. Same as it is now he is. So that buys stuff for all the children not just mine his too.
I said to him last night as adults and parents we have to sacrifice so the kids get whats needed, i sacrifice all the time. And sometimes that means a night out has to wait then so be it.

I think one thing that might always be an issue is your have four kids to his one. Supporting the five of you versus just him and a daughter who doesn't live with him is a pretty big difference.
Why wasn't he working two years ago?

Because it was easier at the time for me to get a job and he stayed with the children. As my youngest was too young to be left alone. His ex wife had 3 children who were not his, i dont think thats an issue tbh.

Do you spend a lot on your chikdren at Christmas? Perhaps your DH thinks you are spending a lot on them and not prioritising having a nice evening out together? I think it’s a bit odd to use the expression ‘sacrificing’ things for your children, you sound a bit of a martyr, surely you can reach a happy compromise for everyone?

So he stayed home with your then 10 year old? I still don't get why he couldn't have worked?

No he doesnt pay enough but getting more would cause friction that i dont want my kids in the middle of, as atm we all get on and they see a fair bit of their dad

Tbh I can see wht he is a bit resentful. He is providing for you all whilst your DC father isn't paying what he should.

He needs to.

I know but like i said i know the trouble it would cause and thats not fair on the kids.
No we dont spend that much on the kids. They have all asked for one item. We spend the same on Dss, same as we always have.
Its not like ive never worked or i dont contribute, i cook meals fresh meals everyday, and i do a lot for our family in general including sorting out his mother as she is housebound, plus dealing with a chronic illness on top of that.
Ex dp spends a lot of time here with the children as he only has a room in a house, so it would put the kids in the middle of a war, thats not fair, my dp understands that completely.
I would go without before the kids or dp does and he knows this, people wont give me money for xmas anymore because i would spend it on the kids.
We went out several times last month so its not like we dont go out its just atm we are a bit strapped for cash. Its only literally till jan.
Jlynhope because someone had to be at home when dd2 finished school, and my shifts would not have allowed for that as they were different every week. Plus he had to pick dss up some days too and we still had 13 and a 14 year old too..ds1 has left home now so theres only 3 kids at home now. I wish i could work, i hate not working, but its impossible atm.

She wants to go watch a movie tomoz night, she was paying i have meerkat movies so it wont be too expensive.

Does your DP understand that DD is paying? If so, it sounds like he's resenting not having 121 time with you.

Is there anything you could do together that doesn't cost money? I know it's bloody cold at the moment but could you go for a walk on the weekend and ask DD1 to look after the littl'uns? Or bribe them to stay in their bedrooms for the evening and relax with a film?