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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sofa sleeper

26 replies

Kazza04 · 20/11/2018 15:47

Disclaimer: this has been shortened down because as you know it’s so hard to try to explain everything and if I did this would be never ending!

So I’ve been with my OH almost 8 years, engaged over 2 years and getting married next March.

We bought a place and moved in March this year; he has his own company so works all day, comes home and shuts himself in the office to do all the paper work. Over the last 6 months it’s gotten to the point where we spend very little time together, he gets home most nights after 8pm, then goes to the office and once I’ve gone to bed he will move to the sofa and do paperwork until he falls asleep there, where I wake him up in the morning, we have a very limited conversation and I go to work, then we repeat this all again.

I’m just not sure what to do, he has little to no interest in planning the wedding, we spend no time together it just feels like we are two people living in the same apartment. We’ve been together so long I feel like if we were to end the relationship it is taking the easy way out... anyone else had an experience like this?

OP posts:
Cawfee · 20/11/2018 15:51

Is he doing this to avoid talking about the wedding? Is his heart still in getting married? Why isn’t he coming to bed? Huge red flags here. I think if it was me, I’d postpone the wedding until it was sorted out. It sounds like a miserable existence to be honest. Life’s too short to be with someone this distant!!

Original poster
Kazza04 · 20/11/2018 15:56

He just seems unhappy, and when I do ask him he says he’s not unhappy with us... he is so consumed with work and wanting to make the business success and whilst I am all for doing well, everything else in his life has been put behind this. When I do talk about the wedding with him he isn’t overly enthusiastic (I put it down to him being a guy)

He says he doesn’t come to bed because he sits up getting paperwork done and then nods off when he wakes early hours he doesn’t want to disturb me so stays put on the sofa....

OP posts:
Oddsocksandmeatballs · 20/11/2018 15:56

Yes, but mine didn't start until my second child was conceived, he then spent the next 20 years sleeping on the floor in the living room. Occasionally he would come to bed but only when he wanted sex which led to even bigger problems, I eventually ended the marriage 3 years ago. With hindsight, I should've left him years and years before but I didn't (fool that I am), eventually it destroys every ounce of confidence and self worth you have. Will he talk about it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/11/2018 15:56

re your comment:-

"Over the last 6 months it’s gotten to the point where we spend very little time together, he gets home most nights after 8pm, then goes to the office and once I’ve gone to bed he will move to the sofa and do paperwork until he falls asleep there, where I wake him up in the morning, we have a very limited conversation and I go to work, then we repeat this all again".

If this is what its like now then marriage to him won't change anything. He is still going to work all day long then come home and shut himself away doing paperwork. He also shows no real interest in planning this wedding either.

I would not get yourself stuck either on the sunken costs fallacy; your last sentence here reads like this and its a trap you really do not want to fall into.

I would seriously consider both this whole relationship (has it really run its course) and whether you and he should actually get married at all. The two of you should be happy, not living like two people who happen to live under the same roof.

BigusBumus · 20/11/2018 15:57

It sounds to me like you are both unhappy and just not talking about it. Does he love you? Do you love him? Do you EVER have a nice time together?

I would get out now before the expense and hassle of a wedding / divorce. You both deserve to be happier than this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/11/2018 15:58

"We’ve been together so long I feel like if we were to end the relationship it is taking the easy way out.."

Is it taking the easy way out, I would argue no. It also reads like the sunken costs fallacy and that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?.

Joysmum · 20/11/2018 15:59

Ask him how long he thinks his life needs to be like this.

Original poster
Kazza04 · 20/11/2018 16:08

I have tried to discuss what is going on a couple times and each time he reassured me it’s nothing to do with us, it feels to me like he is so wrapped up in his work he’s letting everything else fall by the weyside...

Right now if I’m completely honest I’m not getting much out of the relationship, maybe because we don’t actually spend much time together.

I feel we do still love each other, it’s just everything seems to revolve around his business...

OP posts:
ddogmum · 20/11/2018 16:10

What are your weekends like?

WasFatNowThin · 20/11/2018 16:10

Can you not help with any paperwork?

Original poster
Kazza04 · 20/11/2018 16:13

Weekends most often he is working so I keep myself busy with friends, family & our dog! On the rare occasion he is off, we spend time together although more often than not he will do some paperwork at some point.

I have suggested helping with paperwork and do occasionally however he often says “it’s just easier if I do it”

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/11/2018 16:17

I also wondered what your weekends are like.
You don't sound happy though.
I think you need to put some time aside together to really discuss where this is going.
You can't continue like this indefinitely.
Do you have hobbies?
Do you get out of the house in the evenings?
I'd be building a life outside of all of this if I was you.

MadameButterface · 20/11/2018 16:20

"He just seems unhappy, and when I do ask him he says he’s not unhappy with us..."

what do you say to this? you know that you are allowed to say "well I am unhappy with the way things are and I would like to talk about what we can do to change it" don't you? who does his books? he needs to outsource some of this, it is not sustainable to be working such long hours. is he actually working this whole time, or is he fartarsing about on his phone all evening then going 'oh shit better raise that invoice' at 12am? all I can say is: do not get pregnant.

Original poster
Kazza04 · 20/11/2018 16:21

Yes I go to the gym and spare time is spent with mainly my pug 😍 and friends and family. Just I would rather be spending my time with my OH as well as my dog and loved ones.

Evenings walk the dog and Netflix are how they are usually spent... so whilst I’m very much independent it’s just a bit lonely and seems even lonelier when you live with someone but spend no time together

OP posts:
Original poster
Kazza04 · 20/11/2018 16:24

I’m pretty vocal in saying I’m not happy with how things are, need to change etc yet it doesn’t seem to be and when I say this his response is to put blame on the business and the workload.

Accountant does the books and he does all the quotes/emails etc. Half the time I think it takes so long because he is so tired he has no energy to do the work, it’s a vicious cycle he is in.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 20/11/2018 16:26

This is no way for a relationship to be. Neither of you are happy. I don't think he wants to plan a wedding. You can't continue with a man who is like this before you are even married. It's time for a very serious conversation about where this relationship is really going.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/11/2018 16:30

I think you need to quite firmly put the wedding on hold. And mean it.

This sounds quite miserable to be honest. And I know what you mean, there's nothing lonelier than being in a shit relationship (even being single is better).

I think you need to explore what your life looks like without him in it. You're not getting anything from the relationship now apart from rejection and unhappiness. You've asked him to change things and he hasn't.

MadameButterface · 20/11/2018 16:34

next time he sees his accountant he needs to ask if realistically there is money in the business to pay an admin person £10/£15 an hour to keep the ledger up to date and deal with banking, invoicing, emails and any social media pages he has. he may only need them for 4 or 5 hours a week to keep on top of things. it will free him up to focus on what he actually does best.

MadameButterface · 20/11/2018 16:37

Greenfingers has the emotional solutions - mine are just practical suggestions Grin

how committed do you think he is to sorting this? seems like he has a pretty sweet deal to me - I am assuming you are taking care of the domestic load and organising your joint weekend socialising etc while he lives and breathes his business. maybe you need to ask him how he would cope if he had to cook his own tea and do his own food shopping and life admin etc

Original poster
Kazza04 · 20/11/2018 17:00

I regularly ask him how he would cope if he had to do everything himself/if I wasn’t around and he’s quite honest in saying he wouldn’t be able to do it, knows how much I do yet it doesn’t seem enough for things to change...

OP posts:
Adora10 · 20/11/2018 17:14

That sounds shit, I get that he's trying to do his business but honestly, where does it leave you, on your own; not what I would even call a relationship; he's going to have to give a bit, even if that means you helping out or him hiring help; you can't have a happy life with this kind of situation, it's utterly shit.

ChristmasFluff · 20/11/2018 17:19

Nothing is changing because he's perfectly happy with life as it is s he isn't changing anything. You are the one who wants things to change, so the change will have to come from you. You are alone anyway, it just isn't 'official'.

WisdomOfCrowds · 20/11/2018 18:01

My OH was doing this a lot over the last year. Turns out things were going down the pan fast at work resulting in him losing his job and lying to me about it. The first I knew about it was when he told me we were broke. So if I were you I'd check his paperwork!

Dvg · 20/11/2018 18:55

Sorry but i would not be letting a man put his job before me if we were planning to get married. these should be the fun times of cuddling on the sofa and watching films to eating out ... but to not even sleep in the same bed :S i love my partner way to much to do that and he also doesn't like sleeping anywhere without me.

EKGEMS · 21/11/2018 00:28

Nope.No way in hell. You are not a priority to him. The only difference a marriage with him will be the degree of difficulty of ending the relationship which is inevitable if he continues behaving like this.