How long should we wait?

[incywincy9]

First time posting so hope I'm in the right place.. All opinions welcome!

My 10 year relationship ended 13 months ago (we have no kids) and decree Nisi has just been granted, so I'm on my 6 week countdown - Yippee!
I started a new relationship around 9 months ago, and he is also gong through the divorce process, but has a bit longer to go than me because he has 3 children with his ex; and a lot more to sort out. They've been separated for a year and it was a mutual agreement. She started the divorce process.
Although we've talked about our future together etc, I haven't asked him to rush his process as I realise its more complicated. It seems to be going quite smoothly so far though.

He has recently told his ex that we've been spending time together and she went mad has asked that he does not introduce his children to me because she thinks its too soon.
I understand that she would have concerns about someone new in their children's lives, and have agreed that we should be understanding and respectful of her wishes, initially.

My question is.. How long do we give her to get her head round it before we begin to introduce me to the children? Are we setting ourselves up for a lifetime of letting her dictate, or will it serve us better going forward to let her come round to the idea?
How long before he makes the decision himself?

I don't want to upset her or make he dislike me (any more than she probably already does) because I realise that if things work out with this man, she will always be involved in my life and I would like us to be able to get on in the future.. or at least be civil!

I've been with mine as long as you and I haven't met his yet. I still think probably a year or so first then gently integrating.

Thank you Beeebop!

I see that you don’t want her to dictate.

But please don’t underestimate how it feels to know your children are going to be in a family without you. Nobody has children expecting that, it’s realky hard. It doesn’t make you bitter ex - it makes you human.

Don’t forget that though you’ve been with him 9 months, he’s only just told his wife about you. Does she even know it’s been 9 months? As that’s only 3 months after they spilt, he wouldn’t be the first to suggest that you meant later - just to avoid accusations of crossover, or him moving on too fast (it’s up to him when he moves on, but I can see why it can be hurtful to the other party).

There’s no reason to rush meeting his kids. So in this case, I’d say sit back and give her some time to get used to it - leave it at least through the emotive period of Xmas. There’s no reason that it sets up a pattern of dictating - it’s a valid thing to wait, and once is not a pattern.

I actually think, for emotional reasons for the adults, it’s a good idea to wait into the divorce is very well progressed. What’s the hold up with his divorce? Having children doesn’t have to make it complicated. I have children, it was a 5 minute conversation: “I’m proposing me 4 nights you 3, flexible around both our shift patterns, but with Thu night fixed with you and Fri with me - what do you think?”. Done. If they still have major things to sort out, then back off with meeting children until that is done.

Good luck with your new relationship!

I think you need to wait, OP - not least so you have some space to begin to really appreciate what your DP's ex might be feeling, and the impact of both his separation/divorce and your relationship on his kids.

I was a kid in a similar situation, and, even though I was older, being introduced to my father's partner had a huge impact on all of us.

You're in the highs of your relatively new relationship (and it really is new). Please, please don't let that emotion get in the way of those who have been in your DP's life much longer than you.

Why doesn't he tell her when he plans on doing it.

E.g; yes of course ExW we aren't intending on doing that until X Month/time.

Suss out the response. And then you can go from there.

If the response isn't great then think about whether you're up for the ride long term with a potentially difficult ex on board that will always be in your lives.