Bringing up the past in arguments

[WisdomOfCrowds]

Partner and I are having our first "proper" fight and it's a big one. I'm seriously not sure if we can work through it but we're trying. The problem is that until now I've honestly believed that everything was more or less perfect. He's pissed me off in the past, things like eating more than his fair share of treat food, or trying to bs his way out of admitting he didn't know how to do something, but I always called him out on it and he'd apologise and (for the most part) not do it again. I'd smugly think "this is great, we can discuss these things and resolve them without it leading to an argument". 99% of the time things were good and he made me really happy. But now that I'm just about the angriest with him that I've ever been with anyone I'm looking back at all those "small things" and I want to scream at him "see, you've always been a selfish thoughtless lying bastard". I guess what I'm wondering is if it's fair to bring up these things again to show him "this isn't actually a one off, here are smaller examples of you having this disrespectful mindset, that's the real problem and this specific incident is just the big end point of that" or is that playing dirty and given that he apologised at the time for those things should I just leave them in the past and focus on the issue at hand? We've been together 3 years and have had lots of big life events happen so I think I've glossed over a lot of stuff until now through having bigger things to deal with and not wanting to pop the honeymoon bubble.

Bringing up other things never ends well. Some people are more disposed to seeing every event as a single one-off thing, whereas some of us see it as part of a bigger picture. To someone who is able to compartmentalise, you bringing other things into the argument just seems irrelevant and petty. I’m like you and can see a pattern of behaviour that all adds up to something bigger than the sum of its parts. However, DP just feels like I’m “jumping around all over the place” and that I’m building a case against him like a lawyer.

I’d try to make a habit of sticking just to the one thing you’re talking about if you can.

If this is your first big fight in 3 years despite having a rough time then you’re doing well!

It depends why you're fighting. If you're fighting to prove that he's wrong and you're right, then sure - throw the kitchen sink at him. But it won't be a good outcome.

But if you're fighting constructively, to resolve the problem, then you need to focus on solutions. Not just throwing all the muck you can, to see what sticks.

One of the best things is a couple can do is learn to 'fight well'. That is about articulating your needs, listening to his, understanding where you're out of alignment, and negotiating a solution that you can both live with.

Me and dp both have a rule that once an argument is done then its over and isnt brought up in any future discussions. This means that we have talked it over, worked it out and both agreed that its resolved. This includes small discussions otherwise you have really dealt with the issue and its just building over time. Me and dp have been together over 6 yrs and i can count on one hand how many 'big' arguments we have had

We're fighting because he's fucked up on something that wouldn't have been a big deal if he'd come clean right away, but instead he told me a gigantic pack of lies to cover it up and now it's escalated into an enormous problem. He insists that he lied for noble reasons ("I was just trying to protect you blah blah blah), but what it really grinds down to is the fact that he can't cope with being wrong, he can't cope with having failed at something, he can't cope with not being the smartest person in the room at all times. Which is an issue that's driven a lot of our small disagreements. Hence my not knowing if it would be "muck flinging" or "relevant pattern forming" to bring it back up. I haven't really thought about those other things much until now as individually they were too trivial to dwell on, but all of a sudden it seems glaring obvious that it's all come from the same place and that it isn't just about us getting past this specific incident but more about him needing to address this underlying problem.

When I say "we're fighting" it'd be more accurate to say that I'm fighting at him and he's doing his best daily mail sad face and answering "I don't know" to all my questions...

My fight rules:

• Always deal with only the issue at hand.
• Keep any observations of patterns to yourself.
• If you observe a pattern, have an exploratory conversation about it to gather more information on why it's happening (but always as a separate conversation, during a calm period).
• Give yourself an internal deadline to decide whether you will accept this pattern as it is, or if it's a dealbreaker for you
• At the deadline, either break up (without a discussion) or accept (without a discussion).

Your dealbreakers shouldn't be up for discussion. They aren't to be negotiated. If you see a pattern of behaviour, have the compassion to recognise that people do their best and people don't change -- move on and let him be with someone who he fits with better, or, accept him as he is, with goodwill and cheerfulness.

But no, don't bring up patterns in an argument. That's fighting dirty. It only muddies the waters and makes things even harder to resolve. Recognise that you're angry and if you need to take a break until you calm down, do that. Upping the ante in the argument WILL NOT make you less angry.

Oh god that sounds frustrating! So you can see a pattern whereas he’ll just see it as more criticism and retreat even further.

I’ve been watching some you tube this week to try and get inspiration for my own faulty relationship and one thing that struck a chord is that we’re all trying to teach the other partner to be a better person. But because we’re trying to teach them when we’re angry and upset, we’re not teaching well and they’re in no frame of mind to learn.

The textbook way to deal with this is probably to leave it here, let things cool down. Then when he’s calm and you’re feeling less aggravated maybe talk to him then about what causes most of your arguments. I know it seems like starting an argument at a time when you’re not already having one, but you’ll never resolve anything while you’re angry/defensive.

he's doing his best daily mail sad face and answering "I don't know" to all my questions...

If it were me, I'd say this:
"If you genuinely don't know, then I suppose there's no point talking about this.
"We need to take a break. I need space and time to decide whether I can be with someone who behaves as you do, but doesn't know why. "Thanks. I will be at my mums"

and exit stage left.

And then take a couple of weeks to gather your thoughts. If you need information from him, ask him for it via email. Don't have emotional conversations with a daily mail sadfacer. The help you need won't come from him.