Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A huge mistake

22 replies

Mummabear0306 · 20/11/2018 08:48

Ok, I realise that what I have done was really REALLY stupid and I’ve got myself in a mess. Over 10 years ago I signed a marriage certificate without anybody knowing. My H was not from the UK and when he got back home he could not have a visa to come back. At the time we were in love and I was told by my H that he would of been killed if he stayed in his country. I did this for him as I loved him (how stupid was I) we were then going to have a proper wedding when it was the right time.

Cut a long story short I cannot stay with my H anymore. He has a very short temper and shouts at me, he gets verbally very aggressive and I’m scared of him. He shouted at me on the day we signed the certificate and I should have opened my eyes. He treats me like a slave, but he does go work. He is very controlling of the money I spend (which is very little) when he sees the statements he demand to know what I spend it on (always my little girl) I just can’t take it anymore, I feel like I’m loosing myself, I’m always watching what I do and say incase it sets him off. He tells me he loves me but I can’t see that he does. I have told him twice that I want to separate but he keeps telling me that he will tell my family what I did in signing the marriage certificate. I don’t know what to do, it would really really hurt my parents and I love them dearly. I felt that I couldn’t tell them about my H before as my mum has an illness triggered by stress and I didn’t want I make her ill. I’m so trapped I can’t live like this.

I realise I have done this myself.

OP posts:
Pocketcalculator · 20/11/2018 09:25

Ok...so you are married and your family know nothing about it?? And you've covered this up for 10 years??

Honestly, just be open. Tell your family what has happened and make plans to leave. Do you have friends to help you?

Josuk · 20/11/2018 09:25

Not sure what you mean by signing the certificate....
Did you get married without telling your family?
So - what’s the issue now?
You clearly need/want to separate. Both for you and your daughter.
And - I presume your family know of the man’s and their grand child’s existence.
They will of course not be happy about the breakup - but surely by now the secret wedding is not an issue....
And your family would rather see you happy rather than stuck in a bad relationship for their sake.

something2say · 20/11/2018 09:27

My advice would be to treat this as the domestic abuse case that it actually is.
Get a DV advisor thro your local services. They will guide you on what to do.

Holidayshopping · 20/11/2018 09:27

Over 10 years ago I signed a marriage certificate without anybody knowing

You mean you got married without telling anyone?

What exactly have you kept a secret from everyone?

Do they know this man exists at all? Do they know you live with him and have his baby?

shaftedbythesystem · 20/11/2018 09:28

Sorry, I don't fully understand? He went back to his country? Or didn't? How long has he been here? Are you married or not? Do you live in England? Everyone has the right to be happy, can you plan to leave him?

Mummabear0306 · 20/11/2018 09:29

Yes I got married but didn’t have a wedding just signed the certificate. No, nobody knows. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but it’s my fault. He is just telling me that he will tell my parents and they won’t speak to me and I’ll be alone so I should stay with him.

OP posts:
shesabloodywitch · 20/11/2018 09:30

This is very confusing - do you mean you got married in secret? Do your family know that you are with this man? Do you live in the U.K.

If they know you live with him I don't see the problem ... you just say you got married to get a visa didn't want to tell anyone because you thought they would be upset but now you want to leave. I don't see the issue

Holidayshopping · 20/11/2018 09:32

If you got married, you had a wedding-that’s what a wedding is. I’m a bit confused by that bit.

Does your mum know you had a baby with him? Has she met him?

Mummabear0306 · 20/11/2018 09:32

We got married in his country as he couldn’t come back if we didn’t. Yes everyone knows about him (and dislikes him) and my DD, we are very close (apart from me not telling them) we live in England now.

OP posts:
Mummabear0306 · 20/11/2018 09:35

He has just turned me into a shadow of my former self. He is very aggressive and every time he shouts at me I just want to leave but he always throws the marriage back at me. I did it for him so he could have a better life.

OP posts:
bumpertobumper · 20/11/2018 09:45

He is using that threat to keep a hold on you. Please try to take a step back and think - deep down do you think your family will mind that you are married to the man you have been living with all these years? They probably won't be surprised and that detail isn't a big deal.

What will be more important to your family will be support you to get out of this relationship. Surely they will be happy to help you, you say they don't like him.

He is using this threat to confuse and control you.

Call women's aid, be careful and find some strength to get away from him.
However your family react it definitely won't be worse than living with him. Hugs.

Seafour · 20/11/2018 09:46

I'm sure if you confide in your parents and explain that you felt bullied into marrying him, they will not only understand but will be supportive of you separating too.

Once the secret is out it takes away some of his power and hold over you and you will feel better and stronger.

Please be brave for the sake of your child and get away from this abusive bully.

Mummabear0306 · 20/11/2018 09:49

Thanks you @bumpertobumper for your reply. This is exactly how it feels, he knows that is will make me stay. I have never been comfortable in what we did. I love my parents very much and I’m ashamed of what I did.

OP posts:
WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 20/11/2018 10:03

Are you legally married in this country?

Notacluewhatthisis · 20/11/2018 10:53

I bet you anything your family are pretty sure that you married him.

How else did you explain him being able to live here?

AdaColeman · 20/11/2018 11:13

It sounds as though he is bullying you with this threat to tell your family that you are married, in order for him to be able to remain here. Is that right?

You can't live your life like this in fear every day.

The first thing you should do is tell your family what he is doing and saying. Tell them what happened when you got married. That makes his threats meaningless.

I'm sure your family will support and help you.
You can then plan to leave him, and get away to somewhere safe with your daughter.

Grace212 · 20/11/2018 11:16

so if you tell your parents, they will be relieved as you can get on with divorcing him now.

Mummabear0306 · 20/11/2018 11:20

Yes we are legally married here and he can stay here now regardless. I don’t think he can see how bad he treats me and he doesn’t want to loose his daughter, which he won’t as i’m not like that. He says that if I ask for money in a divorce then he will tell my parents. I don’t want his money anyway.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 20/11/2018 11:24

Why are you so scared of your family finding out you’re married, you’re an adult you’ve been married for ten years.

Get a good lawyer and claim exactly what you’re entitled to financially, so you can support your child. Otherwise you will massively regret it.

Joysmum · 20/11/2018 11:26

If someone told me what you’ve just said I’d have nothing but sympathy.

Are you scared to tell people because you’d be nasty and judgmental if someone you loved told you something like this?

Just tell them. It’ll remove the hold he has over you and get you support all in one go. Win win! Then you can get shot of him.

VimFuego101 · 20/11/2018 11:31

So they know you are together and have a child, just not that you're married? I wouldn't let that trap you into staying with him.

Wallywobbles · 20/11/2018 12:08

With men like this the only option I found was to tell everyone every secret that he threatened to expose to. It's uncomfortable but at least they get your version. If you don't tell them the power is all his.

Result is that my kids learnt more about me than I'd have chosen but he could never blackmail me. My DDs came back from each weekend with the latest shit he'd told them and I'd explain, again.

Imagine if you say to your parents (etc) he tricked me into signing the certificate when I was young and foolish and he's been abusing and blackmailing me ever since. I am leaving him but I needed to tell you so he couldn't keep blackmailing me.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page