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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SIL jealous of my relationship with MIL

19 replies

OhnoD · 20/11/2018 04:33

I’ve been married a year. I feel very lucky to have a lovely relationship with the in-laws.

Except for SIL.

Mil and I get on amazingly. Right from the beginning we clicked. Proper soulmate. And I feel so lucky that she is my MIL.

Unfortunately SIL and I don’t click. We are polite on the surface but I know she doesn’t like me and it makes me feel very sad. She has 3 dcs who DH and I try to see as much as possible but recently it’s becoming an issue as the snide comments about my friendship with MIL become more barbed.

We are all part of a family group WhatsApp and SIL either ignores or responds snippily to anything I send. To the point that I now think twice about even saying anything at all.

How can I make this better? MIL is aware of the problem and has taken a step back from our friendship in terms of online interaction that SIL can see. I absolutely don’t want to upset SIL but at the same time feel that she needs to grow up an accept that I’m now part of the family and have a friendship with her mum!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 20/11/2018 04:47

What sort of things do you post on WhatsApp? I don’t use social media so I’m probably not the best person to answer but can you just use it for straightforward arrangements and then enjoy your friendship with your MIL without all the details going on social media?

I was very close to my MIL (now deceased) & we did loads together (& did things as a wider family group) but my SILs didn’t need to know every detail of our shared interests & outings.

Villagelifer · 20/11/2018 04:52

This sounds a bit young. I don't think that getting married means that everyone needs to be soulmates and in each other's pockets all the time. As long as people are polite that's fine. Your MIL is your SIL's mum, you have known them a year, maybe give her some space. It could be that you're right and she's being unreasonable but from what you describe I find it all a bit too involved.

Ragwort · 20/11/2018 05:02

Re-reading your original post perhaps it is a little over the top to say you are ‘real soulmates’ with your MIL
, yes it is great that you have a good relationship with her but be sensitive to her DD as well who has obviously been in her life a lot longer than you have.

PersonaNonGarter · 20/11/2018 05:06

What can you do? You can back off her mum a bit!

Yes, you shouldn’t have to. But if your friendship is this disruptive to the family unit then you need to cool it.

Original poster
OhnoD · 20/11/2018 05:19

I hardly spend time with DH’s family in the grand scheme of things. We live in Kent and they are in Lincolnshire!

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 20/11/2018 05:34

Then cooling it won’t be a great loss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/11/2018 05:53

It sounds as if you have the relationship with your mil that your sil craves. Just because your mil is lovely to you, don’t assume she has always been or is lovely to her daughter. The relationship a child has with their parent is largely dictated by the parent even in adulthood.

If you truly want to have a relationship with your sil you need to reach out to her. You start by apologising for hurting her. You see now that your presence has made her feel left out and that’s the last thing you wanted. Talk about something she is good at or how you value her. Perhaps you see her as a good mum and you hope you will have a great relationship with your children as she does with hers. Tell her how fab her children are, how much you love then and that you hope you can see her and them soon.

She may be receptive to this or she may not. Either way you will have tried and do try to not engage with any sniping. A happy person does not feel the need to attack another especially on a group chat.

Longdistance · 20/11/2018 05:54

That’s naff. I get on with my mil better than my sil. But, they’ve always had a fraught relationship, whereas we get on great. When dd was small, she was more use to me than my own mother.

I think sil needs to grow up.

Original poster
OhnoD · 20/11/2018 06:05

Just because your mil is lovely to you, don’t assume she has always been or is lovely to her daughter

Definitely not the case!

SIL and MIL are very close. MIL spends 2 nights a week at SIL’s much to her DH’s chagrin

OP posts:
BeanBagLady · 20/11/2018 07:33

You see this from your POV.
I wonder if your DH was the Golden Child and your SIL always a bit ignored? So now she sees Golden Child’s DW becoming Golden DIL.

I wonder if she said something to MIL, that she backed off?

What is your DH’s take on it all?

Are you quite forward, expressive and socially enthusiastic? Maybe she feels squashed out?

BeanBagLady · 20/11/2018 07:34

Oh, sorry, missed your last post.

JassyRadlett · 20/11/2018 07:51

I can’t believe some of the replies. ‘You should apologise to her - it’s your fault she’s rude to you’ sums them up.

MaisyPops · 20/11/2018 07:57

I'm also with people thinking SIL needs to grow up. It sounds like she's getting territorial about another woman on her family turf.
You getting on with your MIL doesn't detract from SIL's relationship with her mum. The sooner she sees that the better

junebirthdaygirl · 20/11/2018 08:10

I would say that sometimes my sils got on better with my dm that us dds. They didn't have any baggage and dm was different with them being on her best behaviour. We thought it was funny and slagged them all about it.
But it would have driven me nuts if l could see their every conversation on whatsapp. There is no need for everyone to be in on every chat. That way lies disaster. Just use whatsapp for small stuff and planning stuff relevant to all. Other conversations are private.

Unicornandbows · 20/11/2018 08:16

S'il needs to grow the hell up

timeisnotaline · 20/11/2018 08:18

I doubt very much sil can see every conversation on WhatsApp. Just the things op puts on the family WhatsApp to everyone to you know, join in.

GloomyMonday · 20/11/2018 20:45

" SIL either ignores or responds snippily to anything I send."

If this is all she does, ignore or respond snippily on the family whatsapp, then it's not that much of a problem for you surely?

It does sound like she doesn't like you but it could be for any number of reasons couldn't it, it doesn't have to be anything to do with your relationship with mil.

In fact, as you hardly see mil and live hours apart, whilst sil sees her all the time and has a close relationship with her, why would she have any negative feelings about your relationship at all?

You've said that you just 'don't click' so that's not a one-sided thing. You're not keen on her either, and she'll feel that, just like you do.

Not everyone you meet in life will like you.

Tbh anyone banging on about how amazingly they got on with my mum, how she was their soulmate, how lucky they were to know her, would get up my nose too.

gottachangethename1 · 20/11/2018 20:52

I agree on sharing very little on your what’s app group and maybe making sure you ask sil to be involved in meet ups too (even if she is a pita) she sounds like she feels very insecure by your closeness and there may be a backstory that you are not yet aware of.

Angelinthenight · 20/11/2018 20:54

How about the 3 of u doing something together ,she maybe feels a bit pushed out x

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