Hi
I am new to this and I really need an opinion, advice and courage. I came from poor family, since i was in elementary i learned how to do business, my mom will make me sell candy's or icepop at school. After school i sell Candy's or baloons or little toys in playground. I did that through all of my elementary till 1st yr high school.That way i helped a little bit in our family, i was 6 when it started. I am the first born in our family, have 2 brothers.. I am also a honor student, always active and I consider my self a smart kid in academic. My Dad got his way in wrong direction, since i was 7 he started dating another women, drinking and gambling. In our household there is always screaming, yelling and cursing and that stayed until he died when i was 19 due from heart attack. My mom is a business person, she tried every business so we will not starve and I am always helping her with it. I always look after my brothers too whenever she is gone for selling vegetables in our neighbors or selling some shoes or clothes.
When i was in 12 we moved out from our place with my mom thinking my Dad will change if we will have new house and start over. But then it got worse, she pick a bad neighborhood, we we're surrounded by people who does drugs and thief. My life changed too, i met some people in our neighborhood and be friend with them, one of them pushed me to have sex and I was not in control , i had no idea what was going on. I got pregnant and I am 13 in this time. I was in my 2nd year of high school and i don't know how to tell my parents. I am afraid my dad will hit me, he is very abusive and hit me in public or anywhere whenever i do something he don't agree with,including being late because we have to do gardening at school after class. We dontl't have cellphones that time to inform our parents about our activity.Until my teacher notice about my pregnancy, she helped me to tell them and inform them. I stoped at school and stayed at house, i lost friends and got ashamed, everyday my Dad will tell me he is ashamed of me and wish me to die, until I delivered my baby. When he saw his grandson he told me I can die that time since somebody has replace me. Which marked on my memory until now. After giving birth in December i came back to school in March, my mom helped me to go back to school and they adapt my son. When i came back to school i felt different from everybody else, my friends are ahead of me and I have a baby in that early age. Since i was very famous that time for having a child at young age, there was one lady from our neighbors asked my parents if they want me to work as a camgirl since my life is already over. So my parents asked me if i can and since it was a work i said I will and so i will be able to support my baby too but never in my mind knowing that what i have to do is to be naked in front of camera and talk to stranger for money. I became a prostitute! My parents put me in that situation thinking my life is over. I learned how to lie to people to give me money, i learned how to do tricks to make things look real even its fake. I became good at it and made a lot of money for them and part of me think that maybe this way my parents will love me again. I barely survived my high school since i work at night and go to school and my baby grew up thinking I am his sister.
I isolate my self to people, i never trust anyone , i had low self steem and i think i am not a good person and different. I decided to go to college with the money i make, i was 17 when i went to college . With that new environment i became confuse, since i can afford to be in private school with the money i make i met kids that are rich, smart and not doing what I was doing to go to college. I always ask my self on why they don't do it? To make money? Why my classmates doesn't need to be in camera? Its easy? Its always a question i ask my self. While I am in college i met some guys who liked me, but since i have low self steem i thought I'm the ugliest and worst person in our school . But i got attracted to someone, i had a good relationship with him and he was nice. My Dad did not agree having a boyfriend, which i understand. But his point that time is they make money from me, he is not even agreed for me to go to college because its waste of money. He kept his bad habits , my mom turned greedy too. I saved for my school and for my baby's needs and for my brothers school. With my Dad's bad habbit he had heart attack , i knew there is still sometimes that he showed love to me , it did break my heart when he died as there is still hope from me that when he get old he will change. After that i saw a side of my mom that I did not expect, she started dating someone after 2 weeks my dad passed away, she let him stayed at our house and fed him , the guy stoped working and stayed with us after 2 months of dating. He gives him the money i make. This time i really had a bad times, i lost my dad and i feel like i lost my mom too. I became weak and thought maybe i don't deserve anything good. I had intimate relationship with my boyfriend and he got me pregnant with that time, I got pregnant at 19. I thought he accept the fact that i have a kid when i was 13 but nope, i was wrong, he did not have a good relationship with him, its another failure. Another mistake. He made me feel worse , he found out that i worked as a camgirl and he judge me. I decided to leave him. But i let him to be a part of his daughter life. With my son , his dad never had a part of his life since my Dad will really kill him before he can get close. So this time i have 2 kids, everytime i see them it brakes my heart knowing I don't have anything to give them.. I did not want them to sell anything to their school, or work as a camgirl or save at the very young age to help your family. I want them to be a kid, to have a childhood and to not experience what i expirienced.I decided to go back to college to finish my school, im on my 3rd year now. My mom started a restaurant business and it went well, i worked for her during the day and i go to college at night, she helped me taking care of my daughter too. She kept dating with those times and every different guy , even a guy with a family. She became a complete different person. I am not proud of this story and I am still struggling to get over and move on in my life.
When i came back to college, an opportunity open up. They are accepting students from our school to go to America and work for 3 months. And I joined it! I borrowed big amount of money from Indian people who lend us money and i used it to get my paperwork done. I did my very best to go to US. For my son and daughter and for my self. To finally change my life and to be a better person. I stayed in US for 3 months and came back to Philippines. After that yr the place i worked for helped me to go back to US, i did my very best in my job. I work the hardest, worked 16 hours a day and never had day off for that 3 months since i have loan to pay and i need to save money. I treat all the people i met with the kindest way i can ever treat them. I stayed in US to work and left my kids with my mom. I sent money to them every month. I decided to stay longer in US even my visa won't be that long. I did not wanna go back . I don't wanna work as camgirl , i don't want my kids to grow up in that kind of work i did. I want them to have descent life so bad. Go to school , not worry about their future and send my brothers to college too.
Its another part of my life started, i met a couple who truly loved me. They became my parents, they loved me as their own daughter. But i never ever shared my story to anyone , i am tired of people judging me and i am afraid that this will ruin my relationship with new people i am with. I met a guy, we started dating and fall inlove. This time i did not share a piece of important story of my life. We got married. And we are married for 2 years now. I know i have to tell him , but part of me doesn't trust he will understand my reason why i did not tell him right away. With the 2 years of marriage I was always afraid, i relived the life that I am not happy on where Im at. He did not treat me well too. He calls me name, never find a place for us to live together , since we got married we stayed at his parents house. One time we went to his friends house , since i wanted to go home as i have to work early the next day , he let me walk home in the middle of the night in snow and cold dark night. He is irresponsible and abusive. He won't teach me how to drive. Again I'm not in a good relationship and I am 25. I don't trust he will treat my kids good if ever i will tell him about them. And our relationship will be worst. He is 27 and he lives in US. I struggle in trusting people. And share my life.
The good side of this is I became successful at my Job. I managed to get promotion, i became one of the head department and i have a good relationship with my boss and co worker. I been interested of learning and understanding why people act they way they do. And I became more aware of my actions, on how will people feel or react on what your doing and became more interested of learning about what is going on around the whole world. I've watch documentaries and read a lot of books. I learned that there is a worst thing happened than my situation. But i need courage and clarity. I need to ask if do i have to tell my husband about my life. Please give me your advice, i will trully appreciate it.