Going NC with father over supporting our abuser?

[heartbrokenandtired]

My abusive ex who abused me and my son emotionally and physically has won my father over.

Despite the police, dv agency workers, school, doctors etc all being able to recognise it as abuse and help me find my way out

My father says it's just "arguments" and I've contradicted myself by calling him an abuser yet saying my son misses his father. Both are true statements!

He's happy to meet up, chat, defend our abuser

He can't defend us/won't defend us. He's seen evidence of abuse over years.

I love my dad and this is so painful and hurts me so much.

My ex husband has manipulated my own father. He's manipulated many people for years but this hurts so much more than anyone else.

Do I go NC or will I ever stand a chance at my dad recognising I'm not playing the victim - I WAS the victim, so was DS.

At a funeral my ex had turned all my relatives against me.
I walked away. You need to also.
Mind games will do your mh no good.
And your ds needs you well a lot more than a dgd.

I'm so sorry Santaispolishinghissleigh x

If you allow him to betray you like this with no consequences it just enables his behaviour. Parents should be in your corner, always. I speak from bitter experience. Put yourself first, you don't need this

How do I not allow him to though?

He just calls it controlling and manipulative when I say how much it hurts me.

I have no control.

My dad was my rock as a child. He has been turned against me by my abuser.

I couldnt live with that either.

You will just erode yourself if you overlook your father's lack of loyalty to you.

Dont dialogue any more.

You have said where you stand and why.

Id back away from your father.

I walked away from a lesser betrayal than that and I recommend you do the same. No one who loved their daughter would minimise abuse like that. It's not you, it's him x

The funeral he showed up at was my aunt who wouldn't even have him in her house!
He told me I was banned from the funeral. Funny that what with her leaving me £££££!!
Our dc are nc with him now.

He got his comeuppance in the end.

@heartbrokenandtired I'm sorry for what you're going through, however PP is right your DF is supposed to be in your corner no matter what. Unfortunately it is sad to say but a lot of men believe another man telling them that a woman is hysterical, making it up, exaggerating or even responsible for whatever abuse happened due to her actions. It is an awful consequence of a misogynistic society.

To protect yourself and your DC the only thing you can do is cut contact with your DF. He has to understand the consequences of deciding to side with your abuser and not you and his grandchild.

Keeping in contact is frankly just going to leave him believing that the abuse wasn't so bad and that he is right.

By cutting him off. There's not much of an alternative :(

Walk away lovely

I'm sobbing my bloody heart out

I love my dad so much, I would have said he was my best friend

He got me through so much

Now he's been convinced to sympathise with the man the police are coming tomorrow to see me about, again.

I will never be free will I? I don't even live with the man anymore, I thought we'd got out. He's still destroying us

OMG, I'm so sorry, no wonder you are so upset. That's so tough. You are getting free of your ex though, shit though it feels just now. I don't know what to say about your dad. There are no words.

You mention the various agencies that have been supporting you and your DS, Heartbrokenandtired. Is it possible that anyone from one of those could speak to your DF?

I ask because many people absorb unwelcome information better if they're told by a professional of some kind. It's dreadful because basically they don't believe you until what you're telling them is backed up by an authority figure.

I agree with redastherose that your DF's behaviour reflects our misogynist society. He takes a man's word over that of his own DD. Heartbreaking. Cruel.

He's let you down and you have a right to rage. You convey the pain you're suffering so vividly. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

But he's heard the abuse for years. I used to ring him... I've told him for years so many examples that you just can't dress up as anything but abuse.

I used to I guess as I always thought I had done something that made him do it

But you just can't hear some of that stuff and not call it abuse when your not the idiot who thought you can stop it by just doing better next time. I never could. I only realised when it was happening to DS too that I could never stop it and then I got help.

It will surely be blindingly obvious to those people supporting you that this situation with your DF is going to make everything far, far worse for you.

I'd suggest you ask each one what they can do in terms of enlightening DF in blunt language. I'd guess your DF might be most likely to believe a police officer. Maybe ask tomorrow?

I guess perhaps I could ask. I already feel like an idiot for ringing them because he threatened but hasn't actually done anything yet... (this time)

I don't know if anything would persuade him though... he knows about various professionals being involved. He still has decided to sympathise with my ex

Abusers groom the people around the main victim as well and that appears to have happened with your Dad.

I'm so sorry, OP.

But he's heard the abuse for years. I used to ring him... I've told him for years so many examples that you just can't dress up as anything but abuse.

Shit, that's terrible. So now you know that your DF is the sort who hangs out with abusers. And what a time to get such news!

But I still think you should ask the police if they'll call on him and tell him just what they think of your Ex's conduct. It might, just might, make a difference.

And OK, what's been said has been said, and your relationship may never entirely recover. But if you could patch it up enough to keep going until you have time to give it your full attention that would be something. I love the proverb "better half a loaf than no bread". In this instance it seems very suitable.

This just isn't my dad...

How can it be? How can you? How can you even hear over the phone some of it and do this???

I don't feel like I'm even functioning today. I feel like I'm going mad

I don't understand

I really believed he would get it when I pointed out that sympathising with my ex was just helping him and telling him it was okay

He threatened me ffs - why are you giving him sympathy? I didn't ask him to do anything but leave me alone. He refuses to and my dad is letting him cry on his shoulder I won't allow him to turn up at my door anymore???

Do I need to be in a bodybag before you get it??? (I'm fairly confident that won't happen, I do have decent professionals who understand and are helpful in ensuring that doesn't happen) but is that what it would take for my own dad to figure out why I won't let him near me?