Time and relationships

[User358584]

I’m 34. I spent all my twenties and early thirties in a range of shit relationships for all sorts of reasons.

I’ve met someone very lovely and it is without it’s gushing spark I am used to. I want to take my time over it because I don’t want to make the same mistakes as the past. Ie dating people and falling for them fast and then it ultimately ending.

BUT do I have the time? Do I have the luxury of seeing how this goes?

I want a family. But I also don’t want to mess about with someone when it’s not going to be successful. I’m just not properly sure of this man yet. Can I take my time? I feel old now and feel I need to make decisions quickly, it is a lot of pressure (I realise im putting myself under that pressure).

By asking ‘do I have the time’ I don’t mean should I just marry him or have kids with him, I mean can I afford to see how it goes or should I move on to something I am sure of, more quickly?

We have been dating 3 months

Hmm I think by 3 months if you don't think there's a spark then move on.

There’s a spark but not madly in love/in lust like I usually am at this point

Your happy? I'd keep it going. The madly in love thing clearly isn't working. Tbh next time I'm going for comfortably happy rather then crazy in love.

Yes I’m happy. Not on cloud 9 happy, just consistently happy (which is certainly a new thing after the highs and lows of previous relationships).

Do I have time to test this out properly though. I feel under pressure

Under pressure from who? Yourself? Your bf? Other people? Take your time, trust your instincts. Aside from the feeling of being under pressure, listen to your instincts first. If it feels right, it probably is....but it sounds like you have doubts? If you stay with him, will you always crave the "madly in love" feeling?

I'd say so. You could end it and the next guy could not be 'the one' anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Three months ya quote early to be madly in love unless you see each other all the time anyway?

Consistently happy is probably a novel feeling after the massive highs and crashing lows - I definitely found the consistency weird and confusing after years of dramatic relationships.

I agree trust your instincts and don’t knock it too soon. How does he feel about long term commitment/families - have you talked about it at all even in general terms?

OP - you started two parallel threads about it.
No real need for that.

Look - it’s OK to feel under pressure. Many, many, many women your age feel that - because after years of just dating - you need to pair up and have kids or you might miss the window.
And - like you - many compare the highs of young love/dating to the more mature relationships in the 30s.
Thing is - there is the reason those relationships - those with fireworks and passion explosions - didn’t work out. Isn’t it?
The most fun bf at 20 isn’t necessarily the best partner to raise kids with.

So - if you only issue with the bf of 3 months - is the absence of fireworks - but he gives you a good feeling otherwise - stick with it a little longer. You are looking for a long term partner, not a short term fiery romance.

Thank you. Appreciate the advice and going to apply it to life!