Sexual grooming (might be triggering)

[SurfScoter]

Hi,
I got some really great advice on a previous thread in this topic about a situation I was having. I'm a young adult male that had a "friend" who enjoyed messing with me and pretending he loved me.
I've just found out, through talking to some family members, reading up on it and watching videos, that he actually groomed me to like him. You don't actually need to have sex to touch someone sexually. I'm still getting my head around this.
What I need help with, though, is understanding why some people want to know more information. I told a few of my close friends, and most of them have been great but I have been asked "How do you know he groomed you?"
Why can't people just take this as a fact? I know my own body more than they do.
Thanks so much.

When someone asks me how I knew, it makes me feel as if they're doubting me, but maybe I'm overthinking it.

Was he much older than you? Sorry you are struggling with this situation

Hi, he was only 6 months older than me but he called himself my "dad." It was my first time living away from home and I was very vulnerable.

I suppose some people have a different definition of “grooming”. I’ve seen it used in all sorts of odd situations- for example someone used it to describe her adult daughter dating an adult male- a perfectly normal relationship.

I would describe “grooming” as an adult taking an advantage of a vulnerable person, by working to gain their trust over a period of time in order to begin abusing them. The vulnerable person then believes that the groomer has their best interest at heart, and doesn’t believe they are being abused.

For example an adult male grooming a 13 year old child online, gaining trust, in order to have an inappropriate sexual relationship. The 13 year old will see it as being in love, not in an abusive situation.

How would you describe grooming? If you have been led into an abusive relationship then yes, i would say you have been groomed.

I think that I would agree with your definition of grooming. I trusted him quite a lot, and didn't believe he was being abusive for awhile. He made a lot of nasty comments to me too, and I believed him for the longest time. I thought a lot of the issues were due to his mental health. He also liked to touch me. It was never in an inappropriate place, but it would be a weird thing like flicking my ear.
But it's good to know that there are multiple definitions of this.

The other thing is, I'm not sure if I would have still been attracted to him whether or not he messed with my head.
When I first met him, I didn't really care for him at all, but he slowly gained my trust. Before I met him, I would have considered myself asexual. But as I got to know him better and he gained my trust, I found everything about him very attractive, such as his voice and his smell (very very heavy cologne user). And he would sometimes tell me he loved me. I've never been attracted to anyone else as of yet. Bottom line is I'm not sure if it would have still happened anyway.

OP - judging by your posts - you are young and struggling with aspects of your sexuality....
And you need help to figure it out - maybe councelling???

That person - whoever it was - wasn’t older than you and he most likely was attracted to you. As were you to them.
Given that both of your were adults - there isn’t anything wrong about it.
But the fact that you are struggling with that - not having previously felt or explored your sexuality - means that you need a little time to come to terms with who you are and what you want.

Whatever it is turns out to be - just know - there isn’t a right or a wrong way. You feel what you feel.
Really.

Thanks so much for everyone's help. Yes, I'm probably just really confused.
I think the fact that it didn't feel equal (and that he was also telling me he had sex with girls from Tinder), made me think that he didn't care.
I'm really sorry, "grooming" is not the right word. That explains the answer to my original question.

I can see you are upset about this situation. But as an outsider looking in, you have described a pretty normal set up. Sounds like he fancied you, flirted to get your attention...and it worked?

Grooming occurs when the Groomer has an advantage over the other person, be it age, power, position etc. And usually the person being groomed is vulnerable in some way.

Sounds like he used you maybe rather than groomed you?

Thanks everyone. Yes, "used" is a better word for it.