Am I over reacting

[Bear5]

I've been with my husband for five years safe to say the first few years were fairly turbulent.
This was due to a stalker ex partner and so called friends spreading stupid rumours and generally slagging me off (even though some of these people had never met me), I was even told two weeks before my wedding no one likes you, even his family and none of us think he should marry you.
This is mainly based on the fact we live in in a small town that's still in the dark ages and men do what they want (drinking, drug taking, staying out for days at a time) and women are meant to put up with it. Because I've never tolerated this im some sort of bitch apparently.
After a few years it settled down, or so I thought until I went to work Saturday night and one of the staff told me that she had overheard members of dh social group slagging me off (I work in a pub). I'm furious as I work there and don't understand why I'm being discussed.
I suspect members of husbands family are involved as well as I was told FIL was the person being talked to.
Ive asked husband to find out who was saying what as it's out of order, but they have all denied it.
The girl I work with has no reason to lie to me im just so sick, feel like the only solution is to leave my dh as it feels like it will never end.
Opinions please.

You are thinking of leaving him?

Rather than just ignoring people who don't matter?

He seems to take their side all the time it's very frustrating previously he accused me of lying about what people had said, although later it was admitted to him.
I just dont want to go back to that again

juat rise above it. Hold your head high and ignore all that petty shit.

Well in that case. Yes, leave him.

But your issue is with your husband and him not supporting you. Not other people talking about you.

You would be leaving your husband because of his behaviour.

Meh i would leave, plenty more fish in the sea and i wouldn't want that drama for the rest of my life

Thanks for the replies looks like I've got some thinking to do

It sounds as though, if it’s the norm to drink, take drugs, stay out and get hammered for your area, my thoughts are people are envious of your relationship. Also, those said people will regularly try and encourage dh to join them, and rather than say no thanks, I do do that anymore, he may possibly be saying, ‘I better not because bear will do her nut’ To which they respond, ‘why do you let her control you? She’s just being a bitch. She doesn’t want you to enjoy yourself. If your dh is hearing that in stereo, then he’s getting that message loud and clear.
If you love him outside of this stuff, then maybe you could reach some common ground. Explain to him why you think they slag you off and what his thoughts are. Some people don’t know how to stand up for themselves and find it easier to just go along or bury their head. It’s easier for you to take the blame than for him to confront or raise the slagging off with anyone. Where I live, it’s also the norm for a lot of guys to sit drinking in the local pub, drugs etc, but I kind of think it’s sad. Kids and wives sat at home holding fort, waiting for dh to show his face stinking of beer etc. Ask dh is this what he wants. If he does, then you’re with the wrong guy. If it’s just a case of not standing up, try not to see it as he’s taking their side. He’s just taking the easier path. I appreciate you want the facts but if you go after them, people could see you as confrontational which would play into their opinion of you perfectly. For what it’s worth, I don’t think your coming across as they say you are. You’re frustrated, hurt and angry. Rise above it but either with support of dh or move on without him. Good luck

Hi ozzie thanks for the reply your spot on my dh is a people pleaser and doesn't like confrontation.
Nothing wrong with that in some situations but at times it's a frustrating attitude.
He used to be a massive drinker and was out Friday saturday and sunday with said group when he met me this stopped being as frequent and became even less as we got married had dd and bought a house.
I suspect he does get a lot of comments about going out and he's under the thumb, I just think as a group of thirty year old it's a pathetic way to go on, I like a night out but if I don't see my friends for a few weeks I don't get any hassle so can't understand the way this group go on.
He knows how I feel as we've had many discussions (and rows) over the years about this.
I think I'm more annoyed it's my place of work, don't get why people can't just leave me alone and want to cause trouble

If it were me, first of all I'd be most livid about my DH not standing up for me and defending people who are speaking badly about me. Also, I don't think i'd be happy living in an area like that, the people and mentality sound horrible and toxic

Trinity66 I lived in london for a long time and then moved home and met dh it was a real culture shock, and being honest I don't love it.
I've never known as many men who seem to hate women for no reason. It's bizarre it's like there the enemy
Dh has asked about to see if he can find out but has drawn a blank I suspect members of his family are involved but he's saying they are denying it.
Previously when things have happened it has been denied and then we have found out they have been involved.

I've never known as many men who seem to hate women for no reason. It's bizarre it's like there the enemy

Sounds a bit like time has stood still there or something then? Honestly I'd be looking at moving, I don't know how you could be happy in a place with attitudes like that, I'd be going with or with the DH aswell

Sadly we've just bought a house here so can't move yet, have to say when we move again it will be out of this area

And yeah it's ridiculous men can do what they want and women have to put up with it or there a bitch /ball braker/ controlling.
There are a few (not many) of dh friends partners who are like me and have had the same if not worse treatment

What do you want you husband to do. He has accepted it happened and asked his family about it. Do you want him to ostracise his family and the rest of the community. Do you need him to confront them on your behalf, I mean more than he has.

As far as I read it, he has rejected their way of life and become the normal family man you wanted him to be. I can see why he doesn’t want to be isolated in the community by pushing this further if you are both going to live there. It won’t change their minds about you. What outcome do you want from this ?

No I want him to get on with family and friends and I want to as well.
I'm upset because this was very frequent the first few years we were together and he didn't support me at all, he doesn't want to see bad in anyone even if they are doing or have done things that were out of line.
This time he's asked but seems to want to blame the person who told me rather than accept someone has been stirring the pot yet again.
Imo people who talk crap about your partner and want to stir trouble aren't friends but he doesn't see it that way.
I have no idea why there seems to be such a problem with me, I've done nothing directly to anyone he's friends with.

The only outcome I want is for the gossipy stirring to stop

He's a Dick OP, why is he not supporting and defending you ? I'm sorry but that's just shit, he is failing you again and again and again, I couldn't live with a man who let me down every time somebody got bored and lied about me.

Have you considered the fact that maybe the gossips do it because they know it causes hell in your marriage and know he will not support you in any way, and the think it's entertaining for them all.

you deserve better than this lovely

I have thought maybe it's done because people like a drama and unfortunately I'm not the calm and collected type.
Maybe I need to think before I get annoyed? It's difficult not to react when it's gone on for a long time.
I am really hurt by dh, we had a situation where one of my friends whilst drunk had a row with him and called him a few nasty names. He was really upset and expected me to defend him as he was in the right, which I did, I didn't stop speaking to my friend but told her behaviour was unacceptable and if she did it again that would be it
Makes it even harder to understand why he can't do the same for me. If I try and talk about it he has a huff and turns it around on me.

You're absolutely right OP, he cannot expect from you the support which he does not give to you.

I feel awful for you living like this, no wonder you're short tempered.

The most obvious reason for the gossip is that they are threatened by you and the way you live. As long as you both live the way you do they will not stop it. You think they are pathetic and they think you are a ball breaker. Presumably your husband doesn’t agree with either opinion and it’s not his job to police their conversations or yours. Is there any reason why you don’t have it out with them ?

Anyway your choices, individually or jointly, is to ignore the gossip or ignore the people who are gossiping. That includes his family and friends. In a small community that is pretty much it socially for him. If they all drink in your place of work then it becomes more isolating for you both. Why don’t you move and create some distance.

I've asked several times what the problems are and confronted a few of the so called friends but then I've been classed as a psycho and aggressive or people have denied involvement.
I would love to move but we havent been in our house two years yet and cannot sell until there is some equity there.
I'm at uni and working part-time so money is a bit tight, if I was still working full time I would of suggested renting our house us moving and renting somewhere else until we can sell but sadly that isn't an option. I also don't think he wants to move.

If you are stuck there then I think you should try to build your resilience to the gossip and bitching. You can’t control these people but you have control over your response and influence over your husband. These are the areas you should focus on.

Why do you care about the opinions of these men who are pathetic and immature soaks. They want you to battle it out over your husband. They pitched for control before you were married and are trying it on again. Don’t play their game which includes making your husband the bone to fight over.

You need to remind yourself their opinion doesn’t matter and that it doesn’t bother you. Eventually it will be true. Visually imagine them dressed as mean girls and label them like that. If somebody comes telling tales of bitching, just laugh it off as the mean girls not liking you. Do the same with your husband so he starts to see it how it is. Then tell him he needs to join them for a pint before they start pining for his presence. Then sext him like crazy all night. Become the prize not the psycho. It is surprising how much this works.

Hmm thanks lemon that's a perspective I hadn't thought of before.
Defo food for thought!

Essentially by not letting this get to you or interfere with your relationship you are taking back control. Once you have that, they have no power over you or relationship. That is the win, and they will know it.

Don''t play their game which is to get you upset and then cause strife in your relationship. They are just a bunch of bitchy mean girl-boys trying to relive their teenage years. Give it a few years and they will all be officially old saddos with beer guts and ED issues.

Lol this made me chuckle totally agree