I've upset my mil

[Chipped28]

Help me please mil is upset but I'm not sure I'm entirely in the wrong.

Dh and I have a 2 year old dd who has just started pre school. Both my dad and mil get regular contact with dd atleast once a week and both dh and i have a good relationship with both of them.

We do allow both to babysit for a few hours when needed but if we go away overnight or for a weekend then we prefer to leave dd with other family memebers this is because both my dad and mil have health issues and we like to send dd where she will have other children for company.

Since dd has been in pre school we find we don't need babysitters that often and mil is currently awaiting an operation which I know she is feeling extremely nervous about. As I say we don't use babysitters a lot but do always keep regular contact with both grandparents as we enjoy seeing them I see my mil more then dh but then he spends a lot of time with my dad it just works for us.

A couple weeks ago dh and i went away for the weekend and left dd with some family who dh and i are extremely close to we help each other out and provide child care for their children overnight when needed. Dd is very close to the children and has a fantastic time with them.

Mil is now upset started crying and saying we should of left dd with her as it's her duty to have Dd while we go away while I feel terrible that she is upset because I love her I also felt a little cross with her aswell and I will admit the conversation got a little heated on my part and I reminded her that we can leave our Dd with who we choose and that babysitting is not a right my dad also expressed an interest in having dd over night but I had a open talk with him about how I'm just not comfortable with that and dh and i are happy with the current arrangements. Dad was fine with this but mil started crying to dh and said it feels like we don't trust her with dd both dh and i told her that ofcourse we trust her we just aren't yet comftable with overnight stays due to health reasons and it's not that we aren't using her for babysitting its that we aren't needing sitters as much due to dd being in pre school 5 days a week so during term time when she isn't at pre school dh and i want to enjoy our time with her.

Mil has now said she wants to take dd out for the day every weekend just her and her dp I said this would be fine some weekends but not every weekend as that only leaves dh and i with one full day with her ourselves and I dont want to enter into some weird custody arrangement with mil where she gets her every weekend it's not needed if my dad demanded the same dh and i wouldn't get a day at all with dd.

Last thing dh and i have ever wanted to do is hurt mil as we love her but we only ever do what we feel is in dds best interest and we have always made sure that both grandparents get equal time with Dd. Mil has said that time with Dd while dh and i are present isn't good enough and she wants her on her own on a regular basis she's also made it clear that every time we do need a sitter she expects to be asked before everyone else and only if she can't do it can we send her to my dad or elsewhere I think she said this in the heat of the moment but I hit back and said no she is our Dd and we will make our own choices and the more she acts this way the more likely dh and i will be to say no to her having alone time with dd. we have made up with mil and all apologised for the argument getting heated but this isn't the first time mil has lost it over alone time with dd and both dh and i are getting really fed up with it we try and give both grandparents enough time and alone time when needed but we have only ever done that if we wanted to now it's being demanded it all feels very different im also not happy that mil feels she has a right to alone time with our Dd I have said this possessivness needs to stop she's had her children and now it is our turn and we are the parents. I've made the effort to carry on as normal with mil and continue to see her on a regular basis both with dd and on my own as we have always done im also offering her a lot of support in the lead up to her op but the whole babysitting thing is now the elephant in the room. We haven't said no to her babysitting we have just said it won't be every time and for overnight we want to stick to our current arrangements for now.

Thanks for all of you who have got this far!

Is this a new aspect to her behaviour?

If so it could be a health issue. Maybe even anxiety about the operation and she is panicking.

Whatever it is, stick to your boundaries.

She has been very nervous about her upcoming surgery but I haven't noticed any other strange behaviour her health problem is physical. As I say it's not the first time she has gotten upset over having dd but we do ask her to babysit sometimes just not every time as we have other family who dd is close to aswell and likes going to so we try and ask everyone an equal amount problem is mil thinks the role of grandma trumps all.

I think you are doing right. A change of personality is an indication of dementia or tumour. But I am no expert.

At the very least she is pushing your boundaries to see how far she will get. Your boundaries sound fair based on the age of dd and everyone’s situation.

Keep the boundaries up and ignore the elephant in the room. If she brings it up, refuse to discuss. Let your dh reiterate your boundaries as she is his mother.

You are quite right in the way you're dealing with this. As grandparents, we are here to help out when needed, not to impose our own wants and needs on our adc and their babies. She is a very lucky woman if she gets that much time with you all. Maybe she is particularly emotional because she isn't well atm. I'm sure she will see sense.

I don't think you've upset your MIL as such, I think she has totally unrealistic expectations.

Things like wanting 1 to 1 with your dd on a weekend is not on because it is your family time for you your partner and your dd. Agree with you that if you "made it fair" with your Dad, you'd never see your own child much at all over every weekend.
I have said this possessivness needs to stop she's had her children and now it is our turn and we are the parents
Rinse and repeat.

Entitled and grabby doesn't mean illness /dementia.
It means bratty!!
She is pushing the boundaries imo. No dgm has the right to unsupervised time /overnights /anything other than bloody offered!
Step back and leave her to sulk. Pander to her and she will continue.

She is an emotional person and for the most part absolutely lovely we have a great laugh together and enjoy each other's company she says I'm the daughter she never had which is lovely I think she's under a bit of stress but I'm not concerned that she is mentally ill or anything like that. I guess the last few years have been a big change for her both some married one with a child and dh and i are expecting our 2nd baby Maybe she's struggling with her new role as a mil and grandmother she's been used to playing mum and she's always done a lot for her son's. I do try and have some understanding there and some sympathy but it is very hard to put myself in her shoes. I will continue to support her regardless as her upcoming op is more important then any argument but I just do f want to keep having the same arguments and feeling railroaded into doing something I'm not happy with.

I’m normally on the side of GPs on here but I think you were completely in the right on this occasion. I wonder whether she is panicking that she won’t be able to have her after the op/worrying she might not be around long term if she’s really anxious about the op? Not that that excuses her behaviour but it might explain it a little.
Could your MIL collect your DD from preschool once a week and give her dinner or something? It would give her some time alone without impacting weekends and would allow you to work late or have a free couple of hours.

You are not in the wrong. She clearly means well, but I don't like the manipulative crying. And the suggestion that she has your DD every weekend is ridiculous.

I suggest you let her have your DD for a couple of hours next weekend. Once she remembers how much hard work small children can be, maybe she will stop being so demanding!

What do you mean by the words "emotional person", you mean highly strung?.

What does your DH think of his mother's behaviours?. He is also key here and he should be speaking to her. Are you and he on the same page here with regards to his mother?.

You did not cause any argument either; she was the cause of all this because of what she did.

You can support her but you need to maintain and reaffirm your boundaries as and when necessary. Your child, your rules and I think she is acting like this precisely because she has had her nose put out of joint. Her tears were a further giveaway to her intent as well, they were emotional manipulation. This is who she really is. Do not pander to her, such bad behaviour from his mother should not ever be rewarded.

Unfortunately dds preschool is a little out the way and she doesn't drive to can't get there during the week if mil is going to come over she pops in with her dp around 6.30pm as during the day she's either out with her dp or running errands for her own mother I usually go to her with dd as it's easier for mil esp right now with getting around. Mils op isn't life threatening she will be off her feet for a couple months.

Stuck to your guns and good for you for standing up to her. She is being completely ridiculous and way overstepping her bounds. Let her have her tantrum.

I wouldn't say she's highly strung as such but she does over think things and gets upset easily. Me and dh are totally in agreement he got cross with her and told her to grow up which only made the tears worse.

So she cried some more when her son told her to grow up. He was right to do so.

His mother is one to push boundaries and keep pushing at them as well.

She is not a nice person at all to be around and also has unrealistic expectations. And she can continue making her own way over with her partner also to see her grandchild if this is how you both, as this child's parents, are treated. I would certainly not be taking myself and my child over to her now during the day at all if this is how she behaves. You would not have tolerated this from a friend either.

Admittedly she didn't come off well when she started the tears it all got a bit silly and ended up with me shouting at them both to stop arguing and saying that dd isn't some toy to be passed around. I'm pregnant so I think my hormones got the best of me and recently I've been hearing more and more comments about how when dc2 arrives she will be taking dd off of us which I dont want anyway. We have had a couple issues in the past with mil but always been resolved the last one was a comment mil made about turning her spare room into dds bedroom at her house incase dd wanted to go and live with her that upset me but dh flipped and went berserk she calmed down a lot after that and it's been just recently it's all started back up again. I just dont want the arguing anymore over dd it gets me down.

I possibly wouldn't have even mentioned why you didn't want her or your dad to have dd overnight. I would have said she loves going to xyzs as they have children and she gets to play with them more when she stays over.
I think MIL, unless having huge anxiety about the upcoming op, is being really unreasonable to expect her gd every weekend. Shes not her dd, shes your dd. Maybe say she can see her every weeekend, but it won't be on her own. She can come over for tea, or meet you out and about if you are in town, or join you on a visit to the park. She will be able to see you value her relationship with your dd, and that she might be able to see that she can still enjoy her whilst out with you.
Hope you find a way through OP.

I think you have been very fair and you have very reasonable reasons for arranging overnight care for in the way you do. I really don't get this instance bon 1:1 with someone else's baby.

Is this the only granddaughter? And did she have a daughter of her own?

My friends mil had 4 boys and my friend wondered why her sils kept her at a distance. That was until the mil started babysitting her daughter and the mil tried to take over the mother role. Kind of saw it as her chance to have a daughter.

This sounds very familiar. I had similar problems with my mil. It started with her asking me to sign a contract when I was pregnant with dc1, which would give her rights to see her grandchild if my relationship with her son fell apart! We had lots of demands for 1-1 time and she lived a 2.5 hour drive away - how she needed time without us being there. It was all very difficult with dh not really standing up to her. She didn't get the contract or the 1-1 time, but it was hard. She announced on dc1's first birthday that it had been the most miserable year of her life

It culminated in her not speaking to us for 6months just after the birth of dc4. By that point, I was relieved of the silence. Dc4 is now 12 and we only see mil in school holidays and half terms - she's now a 4 hour drive away. Things are better, but still tense.

Hold firm and don't let tears sway you. Dh and I always agreed we would do what we wanted - we never stopped her from seeing the dc, but not on the terms she demanded.

Chipped,

re your comment:-

"We have had a couple issues in the past with mil but always been resolved the last one was a comment mil made about turning her spare room into dds bedroom at her house incase dd wanted to go and live with her that upset me but dh flipped and went berserk she calmed down a lot after that and it's been just recently it's all started back up again. I just dont want the arguing anymore over dd it gets me down".

I was not at all surprised to see that you have had previous issues with her. This is not arguing in the usual sense; this is his mother wanting her own way all the time. Its her demanding and throwing a wobbly and tears every time she does not get her own way.

I think you and DH sound very fair. I've heard of some women treating their MILs atrociously so she should count herself lucky!

I could never treat her badly she's dh mum no matter what I get cross same as anyone else but I dont like arguments or conflict. I have learnt to stand my ground especially when it comes to dd. I hope it's just the stress of everything and things calm down again.

I've got a bedroom in my house where my dgs5 sleeps when he comes to visit. It's gradually turned in to "my bedroom" as far as he's concerned! (And he calls this his second home and often says he wants to come and live with us! Tbh I'm a lot softer with him than my ddil is, and he needs the discipline!) It's fun to have him stay for the weekend but I couldn't cope full time! Your mil might find the same!

Why is it important to her to have your DD without get parents present? Does she want to pretend that it's her DC or do something that you would not agree too?

My mother is over the heels in love with my DD and they get along fantastically when I'm not there to interrupt them but that's more of how things work out and not because she demanded 1-2-1.

I'm not sure on why mil is so set on the alone time as it's not as though dh and i are strict or hover around I carry on as normal at home when she comes over I'm often popping out the room to make drinks or load washing the only thing I'm a little strict with is surgery snacks but I have to be as dd has some digestive problems made worse by sugar and sugar substitutes but mil doesn't really push the junk food anyway the only thing mil does which dh and i don't always agree with is pulling dd around to sit on her lap and force cuddles and kisses as dd doesn't really like it she's quite independent and likes to be left to play dh has told her a couple times to give dd space and let her go to mil on her own but it's always said gently.