Just getting this down on paper........

[autumnleaves2018]

Hi
As the title of the thread suggests I'm not really sure what I’m after I'm just hoping that if I get it all down on paper I might get my head around how exactly I feel!

I've posted a thread before about my boyfriend being reluctant to take our relationship further by moving in together and another of how he seemed to want the best of both worlds.
Sorry I’m not sure how to link to both!

Anyway, at the weekend I took the bull by the horns and initiated a conversation of where we were going as I wasn't sure we had the same relationship goals.

To cut a long story short he said he couldn’t envisage moving in together for the foreseeable future (think at least 5+years). He said he did love me, wanted a future with me, and wanted to grow old with me but because he had moved too quickly with his ex-wife he wanted to take things really slow. He also enjoys having his own space where he can disappear to as he felt he had to compromise too much in that relationship too. He cannot say when, or indeed if, he will ever be “ready”.

I'm gutted but at the same time I respect his views.

BUT the fact remains I’m extremely disappointed, this along with being told just before summer that there was no point in my applying for promotion at my work I now feel that in both my work and personal life I’m not considered good to move forward with. I know that is maybe unreasonable but it’s how I feel.
I did tell him if he wanted independence, I would no longer be funding it! When he stays, I would now expect him to contribute to 50% provision and cooking of meals AND no more washing!!

I have not done anything rash, as I’m the type of person who takes a long time to process information but I’m considering ending it as this whole situation just makes me sad. I’ve always wanted to get married again but if I stay with my boyfriend that is never going to happen and I’m not sure I like my new reality.

Thanks if you’ve read all this.

Don't just consider ending this so called relationship with him, end it with him now. He is just stringing you along and there are better men than he out there. You're unhappy in all this and you only need to give your own self permission to finish the relationship.

As hard as it will be for you - in your position I would leave and find someone who is on the same page. You say you want to get married but this man will never be the one by the sounds of it.

How long have you been together?

You need to take back the control.

Someone says they are not ready, sack them offand find someone who isnexcited about being in a relationshipnwith you.

Someine says it isn't worth going for promotion? Go anyway, request feedback, make the changes needed and take yourself off to a company who is worthy of you.

Don't let other people stop you from doing what you actually want to do. Fuck em.

Far too many ifs and maybes.
You could have a man who felt excited about being with you and spending the future with you.
I’m not trying to dis your (stb ex?) bf s feelings, but we’ve all been burned, and some people can bounce back and love open heartedly.
You can have that op.

Thank you for all your replies, they are what I expected.

I'm currently looking for a new job as, having been told I'm never going to move forward, my heart just went out of doing it.

That's also how I feel about my relationship.

Sounds to me like you could do with shaking things up a bit! Start with the job hunting, I bet you are worth more and could actually get an even better promotion elsewhere. Sadly I feel like your partner is fringing you along, he's quite happy with the half hearted arrangement you currently have and I don't see that changing. It's time to take control and move on with YOUR life. 💐

New job

New boyfriend

Happy life

Thank you all for your very kind replies.

I know are are all right.
I need to make changes.

I agree with everyone on here OP, He really doesn't want a future with you, he wants his laundry done is all. End this

There are so, so many cases where the man says this, then lo and behold he meets someone else and is married to them within months.maybe not so dramatic as that, but you catch my drift.

OP, he's just striking you along and saying what you want to hear, in order to keep someone there for his convenience.

He just all that bothered by/ isn't that into you.

You deserve to be treasured and loved by someone who would commit to you in a heartbeat if it meant being able to be by your side forever.

*stringing

*not all bothered. Sorry, stupid phone.

I did tell him if he wanted independence, I would no longer be funding it! When he stays, I would now expect him to contribute to 50% provision and cooking of meals AND no more washing!!

This the guy that wants to keep his independence but stays at your gaff five nights a week sponging off you?

Get rid of him, he is shouting from the rooftops he doesn't value you enough to even commit to a future with you.

I've got to admit, I think some of the replies about him 'stringing you along' are a bit harsh - he's explained WHY he feels like he does. It's just that you seem to want different things.

I would quite happily never live with a partner again. I like my own space. But I very much like the guy I'm seeing. I just like having my own house! Or does this mean I'm stringing him along?

I would quite happily never live with a partner again. I like my own space. But I very much like the guy I'm seeing. I just like having my own house! Or does this mean I'm stringing him along?

are you feeding him 5 nights a week, and doing all his laundry though? I totally get the 'own space' I'm like this too, but I think OP is providing for him too

FFS you're doing his LAUNDRY! and funding and cooking his meals? no no no. Stop it at once. Fuck it - bin him.

And yeah look for another job. Soon be the end of the year. New year - new you!

My cooking/doing his washing evolved over a period of time.

For instance if he was arriving at my house just as I was cooking supper it seemed rude not to give him some too, or if I was putting on a load of washing and he had some I would offer to include his stuff too.

The resentment stated to build when the above seemed to be accepted as the norm and perhaps even expected and not me doing a nice thing for him.

No what is rude OP is him not even offering to pay for using your utilities, never mind your time and energy. He's using you!

Yes I understand how this can have happened over time - and of course he wasn't going to say no, was he? Just stop. Take control of your life from now on.

are you feeding him 5 nights a week, and doing all his laundry though? I totally get the 'own space' I'm like this too, but I think OP is providing for him too

@BumbleBeee69 No I'm not. Fair point!!!

did you end this OP