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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to respond to my friend - her DH is an arse

2 replies

WhatShoesCinders · 19/11/2018 09:02

I have a very, very good friend.

We share a lot. She helped me through a very difficult divorce and even more so in the aftermath of the emotional difficulties I've had since. Key point is that I am no longer with my abusive ex.

She tells me a great deal about her husband. Complaining about stuff, how she's 'in trouble' when she's late back from something, or how he expects her to be running the home/child when they both have full time jobs etc etc.

I don't think she's going to leave him, she shrugs and says it is what it is. I don't think she confronts him.

I don't know what to do to help, if anything.
I can simply listen. I can suggest things. I can tell her what I think of him, I could go Villanelle on him

But I've been there - telling others how awful my ex was but then doing nothing for years and years and years.

I don't want her to stop telling me stuff, it must help her in some way, but there is only so many times you can say "I'm sorry things are tough" without sounding like a cracked record.

I have told her before that I struggle to know how to respond, but then she backs off.

I don't know...maybe she should find someone other than me to off load to?

WWYD?

OP posts:
Umbongointhejungle · 19/11/2018 09:45

Well how did you realise that you needed to leave your dh?
Can you just say little things along those lines to her. I don’t think there is much point in being confrontational, but perhaps you could just say. You know that isn’t nice or normal.
And do still be there for her, you might not even realise how much you’re helping.

Joysmum · 19/11/2018 09:49

All you can do is listen and sympathise. You can have a few well chosen stock phrases like, ‘I could never imagine you treating him like that’ and ask her questions about her response and feelings on that in the hope it’ll get her to act sooner rather than later.

The worst thing you could do is make a pronouncement on the situation in case it alienates her before she’s ready. You know yourself how it takes a while for the penny to drop and any signs of disapproval could backfire.

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