Find meeting family hard work

[GodolphianArabian]

I love my family and I know I'm lucky to have them but why does seeing them feel like such hard work?

Visited parents today, drove two hours there stayed for meal chat etc then two hours back. My brother (golden child, lives abroad) and mum doesn't stop gushing about him phoning making her day.

Eldest hates the food so won't eat. He has ASD and is extremely fussy and basically eats beige or sweet food. So he ends up eating cake for lunch as that's all there is that's acceptable to him. I get asked if I notice a link between the amount of sweet stuff and his behaviour. Feel so judged. I mean if I had insisted he ate what he doesn't like chances are he would have a melt down or vomit.

My eldest is then bored and will then entertain himself playing with his brother which usually means he hurts him because he plays too roughly. Cue comments from my sister about how well her children play together without ever fighting.

Every topic feels so loaded and as if people are keeping score.

I'm having to deal with my eldest a lot because if I don't manage his behaviour and redirect his energy then he'll either melt down or he'll accidentally hurt someone. He becomes very clingy to me in these sorts of situations.

When we leave lots of talk about what a lovely relaxing time everyone has had. While I leave feeling pissed off and tired.

Part of me wonders if it's me? But I don't feel like this after visiting my husband's family.

I've got Christmas coming up with all the family. In addition there will be old family friends there. I went to school with one of them and she wasn't that nice to me then. Everyone thinks she's lovely. But she always passes comments about my physical appearance. Nothing overtly mean but things like how white I am (she's always beautifully tanned). She's a jellyfisher although quite possibly it's unintentional.

My mum is desperate for us to sleep over so it's more 'relaxing' although that means me, DH and my 3 children all sharing a room!

I can't not go but also know it will be really hard work.

Do I just grit my teeth and hope it's not too bad?

I want to take a TV and xbox for DS1 so he can escape and chill. I can already hear the comments about that though....

Any tips? I don't drink so that's out unfortunately.

Just a thought - would it be better to take food for DS1 ? Things you know he'd eat ? At least that would avoid the comments when he can only eat cake.

And yes I'd take that TV and XBox - you have to put up with the comments from the family anyway so why not at least make DS1 happy and chilled.

And maybe ( this is lighthearted of course) get a session at a tanning salon so you can compare favourably with your old school friend .

And don't sleep over !

If you don't drink, why not drive home at Christmas? It might be more relaxing for your DM, but certainly not for you.

Honestly, I'd have to say to my DM that you feel like tiny digs are wheedled into conversation and you are stressed about it.

Mychildren take their own entertainment to my PIL as they have nothing there to keep them engaged and they just get bored and fed up. Take a TV and console if it helps your son, but take whatever all your children need to stop them being bored - don't single your eldest out.

I agree that taking food he will eat is also a better option for him.

Don't get a tan like PP has suggested unless you would do anyway. If you are pale and interesting (like me!), don't change just to fit an image, especially if this person isn't very nice. I'd ask her why she feels the need to make personal comments about things you are perfectly happy about.

I find Christmas with my PIL is more easily coped with by ensuring the children are suitably occupied and then pretending to doze off for a while - similar tactics may help with your family

Given you know how fussy your child is about food, why don't you plan ahead and bring food he likes? Wouldn't that make things so much easier?

I can't not go

Of course you can not go

What makes you think you cant

Don't go . Say ''we are planning a small family Christmas this year.''
It is actually very important that you do this so your immediate family will have a relaxing and enjoyable time.
I did this when my , now teens, were toddlers. My son has ASD and Christmas at my parents was hell...full of well meaning , interfering and judgemental behaviour from relatives. We never enjoyed it.
But now our Christmases are relaxed and fun.
Your children will thank you for it, believe me.
Good luck!

No fucking way would I be subjecting my asd ds to comments like that. Put his needs first. Christmas in your home. Extended family can visit on x date.

Make this the year you put dc before those awful relatives!!
Stay home for Christmas!
You don't owe any of them your 25 th December!