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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to convince DH that we need counselling....

21 replies

justilou1 · 18/11/2018 23:46

I have been unhappy for a long time. Like the good wife and mother I have been taking responsibility for this. I have been receiving counselling, etc. A lot of the reasons I am unhappy ARE logical and are from my own side of the relationship, BUT.... We are leading totally separate lives and I feel like a staff member. I couldn't tell you the last time he did anything romantic or spontaneous just for me. If you were to ask him what he does to make me happy, he would undoubtedly say "Laundry." (Which he does a couple of times a week.). Like a lot of middle-aged men I read about here, his hobby now takes up half the house and all of the weekends. This was organised without consultation. We moved 2000km (we live in Australia) for his job and he went ahead to find an appropriate house while I stayed while the kids finished their school term. He ignored the two things I requested - decent public transport between the two schools and decent kitchen storage. We now live in a shitty house, on a dangerous corner, with dangerous parking, no storage and public transport that takes 1.5 hours to take my daughters to school despite it being a 10-15 minute drive. He chose this house because it is around the corner from two of his closest friends. I am so unhappy here. When I have told him that we need counselling, he throws it back at me. While I am happy to admit that I have been dealing with my own shit, we need to look at our relationship, or I'm going to walk. He doesn't seem to take this seriously. Now I can't look at him, I don't want to be in the same room as him, and all communication with him is limited to functional dialogue so I don't scream in front of the kids. Something's got to give.

OP posts:

ScienceIsTruth · 18/11/2018 23:51

I get where you're coming from, OP, as I'm in a similar position, in that I think we need counselling, so although I can't offer any advice, I can sympathise and I didn't want to just read and run.

Singlenotsingle · 18/11/2018 23:54

If you can afford to leave him and go back to your original town, then do it. It sounds as though maybe you can't, though?

Butterymuffin · 18/11/2018 23:55

It sounds like it would be quicker and more effective to say you want a divorce and then if he tries to talk you round insist on counselling. As you said yourself, he's not taking it seriously. Get serious.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 23:59

LTB obviously!

It doesn't sound like he's in the least bit interested in your happiness. You may as well live on separate planets.

Shriek · 19/11/2018 00:01

I am so tired of hearing of women who turn themselves inside-out to try for things to work, but it doesn't work if the other one isn't doing that too.
It's such a shame. If he was bothered he'd be trying. He completely takes you for granted.
No-one will be more shocked when you leave though entitled twats

steppemum · 19/11/2018 00:02

sit down with him and tell him you want a divorce, and that you and kids will move back.

Either that will shock him into action, or it will be the catalyst to go together to counselling.

Original poster

justilou1 · 19/11/2018 03:25

I am sitting a university adult entry exam on Saturday. Thoroughly unprepared, but I figure it may give me some ideas about what I can do with my life, or what I need tuition for so I can re-sit it again in six months, and apply for something so that I can make a life for myself if I do leave. I’m 46 and have trailled after him, raising the kids while he’s led a glamorous life all around the world and I am really struggling to think about what he puts into the relationship side of our marriage. Functionally, it’s fine. If we’re talking romance and appreciation, etc.... it’s been dead in the water for years.

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FritzDonovan · 19/11/2018 03:44

You sound in an amazingly similar position to me, OP. Except you have started to make a life for yourself through the uni exam. So that's a good start. What info exactly is this going to give you? Do you have any sort of friend network atm which might help if you are not a native Aussie (you're not a forces wife, are you?)?

Original poster

justilou1 · 19/11/2018 05:24

I’m not a forced wife, but I sure as hell feel like one! I’m not sure what this exam is going to give me yet, but at the moment I’m hoping for options. My education has been put on hold so many times because we’ve had to move and I’ve had to settle the kids again and again, etc.... I’m fantasizing about telling him that he’d better pull out all stops to make Christmas special for the kids because I am moving out once school goes back after the summer vacation and leaving him with the kids. (Because his answer to everything is “It’ll work out...”)

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Original poster

justilou1 · 19/11/2018 05:24

Currently getting my rings and my late mother’s values to sell.

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Sally2791 · 19/11/2018 05:41

I think you need to tell him how bad it is for you, and that if he wants to remain married then xyz has to happen. Be prepared for him to do nothing. Get your financial information in order.

LadyLapsang · 19/11/2018 07:50

What is the financial outlook if you divorce in Australia? Presumably you would be expected to work unless your children are very young. Is the house rented or did you buy it? I would book yourself a holiday or a couple of weekends away. Let him peep through the window of what it will be like if you divorce.

trojanpony · 19/11/2018 08:08

Did you post about this already?

He chose this house because it is around the corner from two of his closest friends. I am so unhappy here. When I have told him that we need counselling, he throws it back at me.

It sounds very familiar?

I would be taking steps to find a solicitor and get a divorce because I don’t think you can fix what he’s got...
Irrespective of where the kids are in terms of schooling there is no best time (just don’t do it literally before/during their exam period)

Original poster

justilou1 · 19/11/2018 08:08

He's got me nicely snookered because he works an hour's (more with unpredictable traffic.) drive away from here, which means that I have to do all the bloody school trips - hence the agreement re. public transport that he conveniently forgot. This means yet again, no quality of life. I am going to try and talk to a counsellor and a solicitor about my options as soon as I can. Of course this is all happening just before Christmas, which is an insane time of year - everyone has summer holidays as well, so trying to get appointments is virtually impossible.

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BundyLancroft · 19/11/2018 08:16

OP, I suggest you learn to drive and get your own car too, as it will make so much difference to where you can move to with school runs etc. Keep empowering yourself. Good luck!

Original poster

justilou1 · 19/11/2018 09:03

I have my own car and drive. I want to study and work. He also expects me to work AND do the school runs. Somehow I have to do everything I always do AND work. But what is most disappointing is that when I tried to talk to him about how unhappy I was in our relationship, and thought that we needed counselling, he told me that it was all on ME. All of our problems were mine. So the way I see it, if I am all of the problems in this relationship, I had probably better go, right? I’m happy to own up to not being perfect. Totally prepared to work on myself. I am doing so. I am not prepared to be the fall guy for a relationship that’s dead in the water.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/11/2018 09:10

justilou

Your H does not care about you or his children for that matter, only his own self. Like practically all abusive men, he blames the woman and never his own self.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. You would not want this for them as adults would you?. Its not good enough for you either.

Make a life for yourself and your kids without him in it because all he is doing is dragging you and in turn them down with him into his pit.

nicenewdusters · 19/11/2018 09:18

Counselling only works if the individual wants to engage with it. Your husband won't even engage with you, on any level, so I think you're flogging a dead horse there.

If you're working on your own issues that should only be for your benefit. You don't have to turn yourself inside out to make a relationship work with someone who clearly doesn't care about you.

Reading your posts, I'm just wondering why you would stay? Leaving is hard, I know, but you get one life - don't let him ruin it.

Joysmum · 19/11/2018 09:43

we need to look at our relationship, or I'm going to walk

You’ve already looked at it, he doesn’t want to as he doesn’t value and respect you enough to want you to be happy and he’s ok so why would he need to change anything?

He doesn't seem to take this seriously

Yes he does, but only in so far as his needs are met. See my first answer.

Something's got to give

Something has been giving, or at least someone has, YOU! Actually you’re wanting to give less and hope he’ll give more so you are equal partners in your relationship and that’s not likely is it?

So you either accept this is the way it is or you stop saying you’ll walk and actually do it!

OneStepMoreFun · 19/11/2018 09:43

I'd start by looking at some houses that suit the family. Take a day to view a couple, then sit him down and explain in completely unemotional but very clear, direct words that this isn't working for anyone in the family except him. That it can only work if he honours the requests you made which he overlooked - a house with good public transport and plenty of storage. You've found some, and if he takes you seriously and respects you, he'll view them with you this weekend, and properly discuss moving.

Treat it like a business meeting. That's a method of communication he'll be more familiar with so you'll probably get better response from him that way. Be strategic. Start with the practical stuff, unemotionally pitched. He's likely to be more open to this than counselling.

And yes, build yourself a good life so that if you need to, you could leave him and have a good world to head towards.

Original poster

justilou1 · 19/11/2018 12:13

So he wanted to talk tonight..... I said that if that’s what he wanted, then I was going to lay down a few ground rules first. The moment this looked like it was going to be him telling me everything wrong with me again, I was out. He didn’t like that very much. I pointed out that when we went to counselling in 2012, the first thing she said was that 99% of people she sees start counselling too late to save their relationship. Him saying no to my request for counselling and telling me that it was all me made me feel that perhaps we were too late this time. I’m not sure how this will go, but I’ve told him that hearing how other people’s husband’s buy them earrings, or books, or things they know their wives would like - because these little gestures make them happy; make me feel worthless. He told me that he comes home early sometimes and does laundry. I said that reinforcing my role as the happy housewife doesn’t make me feel sexy or appreciated, it makes me feel jammed further into my box. He then pointed out that he has bought us tickets for a musical in April... I then told him that it would have been romantic if it had been inspired by me, and not by the fact that all his friends are going that night. Fuuuuuuuuuck! Clutching at straws!!!!

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