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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online Dating - A non-comprehensive guide from someone who has learned the hard way

17 replies

AFistfulofDolores1 · 18/11/2018 19:00

I know that this has been done to death written about rather a lot, but I think sometimes things are worth repeating; and it may just be that there’s something here that’s new, or approaches things from a different angle.

So, for what it’s worth, as a seasoned OD’er (Bumble, Guardian Soulmates, Match, among others) this is what I’ve learned about ‘reading’ people’s profiles and getting a clearer idea of the reality that you’ll be dealing with, rather than the image they want to project.

NOTE: This guide is by no means exhaustive: books have been written on the subject, and even they don’t cover it all. But I’m hoping some of it is at least useful.

Also, a distinction: these are pointers to help avoid pitfalls, not to find an ideal match. But on the way to finding who really suits you, these pointers may help save you some time by sifting some of the non-matches out.

Usernames

These are rarely, if ever, randomly chosen – not unless someone has used a random name generator (and there’ll be a reason they’re using that). Usernames are not random because we humans are rather awful at selecting anything randomly. What we think is random is usually a result of underlying patterns of behaviour and thought – often deeply ingrained – that we are not aware of.

In other words, our OD handles are often a kind of Freudian slip where we betray something about ourselves that we might not otherwise share. It is the place where we hide in plain sight.

Even ones that are someone’s name or a combination of name/numbers tells you something about them that’s worth knowing.

Tagline

Taken in combination with a person’s username, and you have already got a significant piece of insight into an aspect of their personality, or more. Don’t believe me? Think back to someone you’ve dated and tell me if their name/tagline didn’t offer something that you later learned was true. I’ll stake my anonymous reputation on it Wink

Profile picture

We all know which pics to avoid by looking at them – and many of them thankfully are so blatant that we can discount them immediately (e.g. torso pics/bathroom pics/bed pics, etc.). It’s also worth paying attention to how a photograph makes you feel, too. Notice the person's expression; where they’re looking. If they're smiling/laughing, does it reach their eyes? Cover everything else and look at their eyes; sometimes you’ll see a different expression entirely – one that perhaps runs counter to the rest of their face/other elements in the photograph. That's the one to pay the most attention to.

Potential red flags

I never go near anyone who says the following:

  • I’m easygoing
  • I’m honest/trustworthy
  • I’m not a player
  • I have no baggage/don’t want someone with baggage
  • I'm looking for something/someone uncomplicated

Basically anyone who pleads their case either for/against a particular quality.

Why? Because, similar to projection, people confess their less savoury character traits and behaviours by stating their opposite. In other words, they have elements of the very thing they say that they are not, or that they do not want.

I also avoid people who:

  • Call women “girls”
  • Say they’re looking for “the one”, “mr/ms right”, “my other half”, etc. – anything that suggests a prospective partner is somehow there to save or complete them. They’re the first people to check out when reality hits the fan.

For the most part, this is all unconscious. So if you equip yourself with this knowledge, you have the upper hand.

Finally

I’ve found a “one strike and you’re out” policy works best when meeting up. Yes, there are rare cases where someone is ill and cancels last-minute, or a bus doesn’t show up; and, yes, perhaps my tolerance levels are a little jaded. But that’s what OD does – it jades you, and for good reason: in an age where these sites are a dime a dozen, and our culture has adopted a Poundland mentality towards cultivating relationships, then I’m afraid that giving second chances are often a declaration of one’s self-worth, or lack of it.

I remember only too clearly standing outside a tube station, middle of winter, waiting for a date who never showed, and who in truth I knew wasn’t going to turn up (I didn’t pay attention to the signs – or didn’t want to). When he texted back “Sorry! I totally forgot and I’m out of town. Let’s meet up when I’m back?”, the only sane reply was one I have never regretted: “All the best.”

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 18/11/2018 19:00

@Umbongointhejungle
@Mimals

OP posts:
Mimals · 18/11/2018 19:50

I can see all of this makes sense and I am going to re-read now. Thank you!!!!!! Xx

AFistfulofDolores1 · 18/11/2018 19:53
Smile
OP posts:
StrippedOfDeposit · 18/11/2018 21:41

These are good tips.

I’m also rather proud of this response, to someone who told me he’d realised he couldn’t make our date (a few hours before we were due to meet), because he “had something”. He didn’t give any further details or offer to rearrange. I replied: “I hope it’s not too contagious” and blocked him 😂

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 18/11/2018 22:18

Stripped- love that reply!

Azzizam · 18/11/2018 23:16

Haha also looking "for my partner in crime" and even worse " my queen". Envy vomit

MysticFlyTrap · 18/11/2018 23:20

Definetely all makes sense

TooOldForThis67 · 19/11/2018 07:51

Defo 'the eyes', I've got to see their eyes! Windows to the soul, as corny as it sounds, it's true.

ShatnersWig · 19/11/2018 08:16

Alternatively, you could just read the "rules" which are always posted at the top of each new Dating thread. Much quicker bullet points

tabularasa35 · 19/11/2018 08:21

I don't reply to "hi", "hey".

Definitely one strike. I learnt that the hard way too. Guy shows up 40 min late for first date (hospital emergency- he is a surgeon). Wants to make it up to me, so he books a restaurant for a second date. Guess what, another hospital emergency 30min before the date.

I also hate bathroom selfies or photos with more skin than I should see when meeting in person.

I have learnt to ask if they read I have kids since it has happened more than once now that I talk to someone for days and they didn't read that part!

NotTheFordType · 19/11/2018 08:32

Bathroom selfie = married, or live with parent(s)

I would be a bit more forgiving about photos in general though. Lots of people HATE having their photo taken

...although thinking about it, this hatred of photos seems to have got remarkably smaller since social media dawned...

Mk1234 · 19/11/2018 08:49

Bathroom selfies...seriously though lol

MargoLovebutter · 19/11/2018 13:45

Excellent tips - spot on.

I would add this:

Long lists of negatives
Anyone who says "No one wants to look at grown women with cat ears" or "No one who can't spell" or "No head shots only" or "No gold-diggers" or any other negative requirements!!!! These guys are are miserable fuckers, who clearly like moaning and are unwittingly announcing that they've picked badly in the past.

Also anyone who puts in their profile "my kids always come first". Firstly, duh, of course they do and secondly you've just told us that they probably don't, except when it suits you, because for genuinely committed and engaged parents that goes without saying!

Lastly, anyone who posts a photo of themselves posing with a dead fish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Find me a woman who likes a dead fish photo and I will eat every single dead fish in those photos and it will feed me for years! Just why?!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 19/11/2018 19:47

Totally agree with the negatives, Margo - miserable fuckerdom is inevitable; and frequently you get a rant if you put as much as a foot wrong. (Which was the point all along, I feel.)

Shatner - Thank you so much for wading through that non-bulleted list of mine. Must've been a chore Wink

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 19/11/2018 19:47

Great response, Stripped :)

OP posts:
Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 19/11/2018 22:32

Shame there's no stipulation on having date stamps on profile pics. That way there's no surprises if you meet up.

WellDoneTiger · 20/11/2018 09:00

There are also the pics of pets and cars, and people who say they're directors. I wouldn't want them to run a bath. And there are the 'portrait' photos. Bleugh. I'm sure there are good people out there, but wow! there are some really strange ones!

On the other hand I am not going to list all my bad habits!

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