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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First day of going completely NC with ex!

21 replies

CandiedPeach · 18/11/2018 16:23

We have a dd together so it’s not been possible although numerous times I’ve set boundaries in place only to end up back to us general texting/calling.
I’m in a new relationship and pregnant (not planned) and my ex hates this. Because of this he now hasn’t seen dd for over a month, his choice I’ve tried to facilitate contact, dropped her at his mums etc.

But he’s still engaging me in text arguments, I try to ignore him but he knows just what buttons to press and how to wind me up. I can’t keep doing it, it’s making me stressed and upset and effecting my relationship. My new partner is so understanding but even he’s starting to get fed up, my phone will be going off all hours from him and although he’ll start with something innocent it always turns to him calling me names and saying horrible stuff.
So I’ve blocked his mobile and landline number on my landline and I’ve blocked him on everything on my mobile, phone, WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, snapchat.

Now I’m sat here feeling bloody guilty that he might genuinely want to know how his daughter is. I know it’s pathetic and I know if he really wants to know or see her, then his mum can find out for him. Still I’m considering unblocking him to tell him that! Someone please tell me I’m doing the right thing and that it gets easier!!

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RandomMess · 18/11/2018 16:32

Yes you are doing the right thing and yes it will get better Thanks

Google grey rock it is the only way forward. I would suggest you set up an email address just for your ex to discuss future child arrangements but don't get drawn in hence read up about grey rock.

maximumcarnage · 18/11/2018 16:33

To be fair as I was reading your post I was about to suggest the same thing. Leave him a message, either through a temporary unblock message or via a friend or family, leaving him the opportunity to see his child. But I think you have to keep him blocked on all channels. You can’t live in a situation where you’re being bombarded with angry and hurtful messages. Not good for you or your family. Perhaps when he acts more reasonably you can perhaps engage with him again.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/11/2018 16:41

We’ve tried the email address thing and I just get hundreds of the emails none actually relating to dd! He knows when he can see her and for now on his contact time she’ll be going to his mums so he can see her there.

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RandomMess · 18/11/2018 16:44

You just ignore he ones not about DD!

If you already have a fixed contact schedule and you have his Mum to be intermediate them just leave him too it and block all routes.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/11/2018 16:49

That what I try do @RandomMess but I have to read them to see what they’re about and honestly I can’t keep reading the stuff he’s putting anymore.

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Mary1935 · 18/11/2018 16:54

You just need to block him. He’s an adult and he has access if he wants it. Block block block every where you can.

RandomMess · 18/11/2018 16:57

Get someone else to read them for you Wink

He is giving you all the evidence you ever need if you need to stop contact, get a non-molestation order etc.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/11/2018 17:04

I think that would be worse Random he gets very personal! I can’t think of anyone I’d feel comfortable reading what he puts. I cringe letting my solicitor read it and that’s when I’ve deleted the more embarrassing stuff.

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Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/11/2018 17:06

He is Mary. I’m struggling with keeping him blocked without feeling guilty about it.

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RandomMess · 18/11/2018 17:11

Bin the guilt, he has had very many chances and abused them!

DD is seeing her grandma and he is still able to see her, you have nothing to feel guilty about Thanks

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/11/2018 18:04

That’s what I struggle with Random I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do. We got on well for a while and when we get on he’s a good dad to dd. Always takes her places, she’s well taken care of with him and everything. So right now she’s the one missing out.
I struggle because I’m sure he loves her (his can he not) and I know he’s struggling with me moving on and my bf becoming a bigger part of dds live. I also know that doesn’t excuse his behaviour, he’s a adult and a father and he needs to act like it. But I can’t help but think maybe if I explain or he gets it out of his system, things will be sorted and he’ll be back to be being a good dad.

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Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/11/2018 18:05

That’s how he always gets me engaged with him. It’s me hoping we can resolve things. Until I realise he’s just going to get angry or emotional!

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RandomMess · 18/11/2018 18:22

He's not a good father is he? He uses DD to hurt you, they are not the actions of a kind and loving adult father.

Start seeing him for what he is, childish and manipulative.... he sounds very emotionally manipulative from what little you have wrote. It won't be that many years until he treats DD the same.

thisusernameisrubbish · 18/11/2018 18:39

I went NC with someone a few months ago and I was wracked with guilt. This guy lied to me, treated me awfully etc. The reason why I felt guilty was because I didn't feel in control. I didn't feel like I wanted to block him, it was like he had forced me to by constantly coming and going from my life and stressing me out.

However when I really thought about it, I realised I was in control. Me blocking him was setting a BOUNDARY - and I was guilty that I'd set a boundary?!!? Of course your ex won't like it, just like the guy I was dating won't. But it's a lesson that you will not put up with their behaviour any more.

When you feel like unblocking him or reaching out, write down why you are doing this e.g I am doing this to stop causing unnecessary stress to my unborn child. I am doing this so I don't upset my partner and cause a strain on my relationship. I am doing this so I don't feel stressed and anxious every time my phone goes off.

The best way to get him to change is to show him you will no longer tolerate his behaviour. If he wants to be in his daughters life that is HIS choice. Nothing you do can change that. All you can do is make sure you, your partner and dd are happy and well with no unnecessary stress.

Haffiana · 18/11/2018 19:43

But he’s still engaging me in text arguments, I try to ignore him but he knows just what buttons to press and how to wind me up

The problem here is that you are blaming him for your reaction. It is like all the posts on this board from women whose partners claim that they 'made him' hit them or be abusive...

So YOU need to learn how to not be wound up. You need to learn that you are not responsible for his struggles and his actions and that it is not your job to deal with how he feels and above all that you do not have to feel guilty for his bad choices/pain/life.

Otherwise he will always have control over you, won't he? YOU need to learn the boundary between what is him and what is you, and you need to keep that boundary well guarded. Otherwise every single tomorrow will be just the same as yesterday.

The Freedom Program (you can do it online) will help with this. Grey Rock will help.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/11/2018 19:46

I know Random and I do see it. That’s why he’s blocked. It’s just really hard, dd misses him and asks for him and he’s different to what he used to be like. I struggle to get the new him straight in my mind with the him I knew before. (If that makes sense).

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Original poster
CandiedPeach · 18/11/2018 19:53

That’s what I feel like @thisusernameisrubbish I never wanted to block him. I want a nice easy co-parenting relationship where we get on and can spend time together for dds benefit. I want us to be friends and we did manage it for a while or I thought we did. I think he saw it as a way to get back together though.
I know he can be a decent guy though, I do think he’s struggling but it’s not for me to help him he needs to sort himself out.

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Original poster
CandiedPeach · 20/11/2018 20:41

Few days in and he’s still blocked! He messaged from I’m presuming a friends phone but I blocked that number too.
Feeling a little tense about tomorrow, it’s his day to collect from nursery and usually he’dmessage when he’s collected her. His mums collecting her though and I’ve asked nursery to phone me if he turns up for her before his mum so I’ll know if he’s got her or not.

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Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/11/2018 21:46

And yay! He’s finally seen his daughter. He collected her from nursery today and took her out for dinner. He’d text his mum who text me.
He brought her home a little late and I was starting to panic that he might not bring her back. I’m probably going to have to unblock him when he has her, because I feel too weird him not being able to contact me directly if he’s got dd with him. But I’ll see if he actually sticks to having her first before I decided on that.

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RandomMess · 21/11/2018 21:48

Small win!

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/11/2018 22:11

I know I shouldn’t feel so pleased he’s seeing his own child @RandomMess. But dd came home so happy. He’s a idiot but she loves him.
His mum and apparently also his grandma have given him a bit of telling off, so I’m hoping he’s seen sense and is going to focus on dd. He mumbled something about me sending him Christmas holiday contact when I get chance and then off he went.

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