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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Possible separation

6 replies

Bunnyhoppingmad · 18/11/2018 16:16

Me and DH have been having relationship problems for about 4 years. We’re no longer intimate at all and I honestly don’t think I love him anymore. We actually rarely argue it’s more the lack of interest and things in common that bothers me the most. We have 2DC 6&4 who we both adore and he is a great dad. We’ve just had a petty argument over the house being untidy but it escalated very quickly as he doesn’t talk pleasantly when we argue. He becomes condescending and just very unpleasant so I said I’d had enough and wanted to separate.

Sounds dramatic but every time something like this happens I remember I’m genuinely not happy and just plodding along. He then chirps up that he’ll kill himself. He’s said this a few times when I’ve said I’ve had enough and want to separate. Trouble is that he has no signs of depression that I’ve noticed and 3.5 years ago I was ill with PND and spent a night in resus following an overdose which was intended to end my life. I’ve flipped and told him how insensitive it is to say that knowing what I’ve been through and that he doesn’t mean it and he stormed off. I’ve come downstairs and he’s now busy cleaning but I know he won’t apologise and will act like nothings happened soon enough.

We both love our boys but I don’t know what to do now. I earn significantly less than him and we struggle financially as it is despite both earning a Decent wage.

OP posts:
nobodyreallyknowsme · 18/11/2018 18:15

Hey there so sorry to hear you having such issues... when I read it I thought how much it sounds like my situation...
it's a hard decision to stay or to leave esp when he is a good dad to your DC... how long have you been married? My DH has for the last 6 months had a mental breakdown when I told him is felt unhappy and he has tried / threatened to kill himself 3 times in that period and self harmed to get my attention... it's so hard OP I am sending you a big hug

Bunnyhoppingmad · 18/11/2018 18:30

Thanks, we’ve been together 13 years married for nearly 8. He is an amazing Dad. He’s so hands on and creative with them. I feel like we’ve just completely prioritised the children over us though which has left us without a relationship. I feel like it’s all too late for us now though.

I’ve spoken to him again and he said he does think about killing himself more than what he tells me (which is only when I threaten separation). I’ve told him to go to the GP if that’s true as it’s not normal to feel like that. I’ve also asked him to leave for a few days which he has done. Guess I now need to figure out what I want to do.

OP posts:
Bunnyhoppingmad · 19/11/2018 09:48

I’ve been reading through a lot of old threads on here and am really torn. My 6 year old has asked so many times for his dad as he hasn’t seen him since yesterday lunch now. They’re conspiring to ask him not to go to work in the dark so they see him every morning. It breaks my heart thinking I could be ending things and tearing their world apart. I know if we split he would want 50:50 and he’s an amazing Dad. How would I cope though.

I’m thinking of booking a session at relate to talk things through on my own. I don’t know whether I’m having a mid life crisis and expecting more from marriage and being unrealistic. He hasn’t done anything wrong, I’m just not attracted to him anymore (or anyone else). I noticed last night when I got into the empty bed that I wasn’t on the edge as I usually was, I think I must subconsciously position myself as far away as possible from him.

Does anybody have any advice?

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 19/11/2018 09:51

I would definitely want to try relationship counselling and both of you making an effort before you call it a day. What attracted you to each other in the first place?

Bunnyhoppingmad · 19/11/2018 10:00

What attracted me was how laid back he was, he was always wanting to go to gigs and nights out and we were just busy doing so many things and enjoying the world. Since we had children we obviously can’t do that the same and it has all stopped. We prioritise the children to the extent we have no money to do things for us. I’d love to do things like watch a show, go to the cinema more but we spend every penny on the children making sure they have opportunities. I think we’re both probably quite stressed by money which isn’t helping.

He also isn’t the laid back guy anymore and is very moody. He’s quite lonely also as he became much more introverted after only a few years together so he doesn’t have many friends at all. Only one actually within an hours drive. I feel a bit of resentment about this as I’m much more sociable but feel we don’t get invited to as many couple things due to him being so introverted and awkward. But he can’t change who he is.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 19/11/2018 13:48

He's manipulating you, I doubt he means suicide at all. Also don't put up with anyone speaking to you in a bad manner, husband or not, he's trying to keep the status quo but it sounds you are the one that suffers him, get on with it, he won't change.

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