DH being horrible - am I overreacting?

[cavewoman]

I'd really appreciate some perspective please. For context DD (11) is having counselling for low self-esteem and intrusive thoughts, but a key thing for her is worry about being abandoned and feeling like she has worth and value (I work with her an awful lot on this and she gets huge support from me).

DH is in many respects great, works hard, provides, does his fair share in the house, shopping cleaning etc. We are pretty equal in work/home life balance although I do all the wife work thinking. He has high anxiety at the moment which can make life pretty miserable at times for all of us.

He wanted to go for a walk today with us all, but the kids are tired after school and busy day yesterday so I wasn't sure it was a great idea. I said I want to stay at home and plan our new kitchen (which he finds too stressful to do and is being rubbish about - that's another thread).

So, he's getting all stressed and stompy round the house as he's trying to get the kids to leave the house on this walk. DD comes in to me to help brush her hair and tie it up before they go out, but while she's in with me DH takes DS, leaves the house and locks the door behind him, making a point that my DD is taking too long. None of us have ever done this - it felt a bit like a slap! My DD just stood in the hallway looking at the door shocked. On top of an already tetchy atmosphere this is the worst thing for my DD to feel - she feels unloved by him sometimes and he can be a bit cold on occasion (most of the time he's fine), but it's horrible and confusing for her when he is cold.

I opened the door and asked him what he was doing and he just acted totally justified as she was taking so long - I tore a strip off him for being mean (which it was - totally mean spirited) and off they went with my DD in tears. I'm sitting here fuming and sad for my DD as whenever something like that happens I can almost see it fuelling her low self esteem.

BUT, I've had loads of counselling myself for a dysfunctional upbringing with narcissistic parents so am very sensitive to how we parent, so don't know whether I'm projecting and over-dramatising. My DD has always been incredibly sensitive and finds things that other kids brush off more difficult, so is this something that would upset your children, and would it upset you?? For me I actually feel like I could end it right now with him as he just doesn't 'get' DD and her feelings, and does something shitty like that.

I want people to tell me I'm being overdramatic so I can forget about it and move on - am I?

Thanks :-(

So he didn't tell her too get a move on, he just left?
If so I think that's shitty, I understand why you would be upset given the circumstances you have described.

No you’re not being over dramatic. Your poor daughter. Even if it weren’t for her issues that’s a very cruel way to behave towards a child!

*to (before someone gets sniffy)

I see from your post you seem to think that your anxiety has affected your DD but then detail something mean he did to your DD knowing full well it was likely to upset her. If this is a common type or behaviour from him along with being ‘cold’ then I think that he is a huge contributing factor to your child’s anxiety. He sounds thoughtless - and that is me being generous if this is a one off, and mean and selfish twat if this is something your regularly have to monitor and intervene in (which I suspect is the case)

Perhaps more context of his coldness towards DD and his behaviour around getting his own way, done to his specification will enlighten all of us including you as to whether he’s actually a nice person?

She is a child, she cannot rationalise things in the same way you have. To her, it would 'dad is angry and leaving without me, it must be my fault and he doesn't want me'

He has high anxiety at the moment which can make life pretty miserable at times for all of us.
Why is he letting his anxiety affect everyone else?

DD (11) is having counselling for low self-esteem and intrusive thoughts
Right so she's having counselling. Is the person making home life miserable having counselling to stop making home life miserable for everyone else?

Sounds like you all have issues (in the nicest possible way). The only way to really survive as a family is to respect each others issues and try not to behave in ways that exacerbate them. Your DH needs to understand that it's okay for him to be stressed and frustrated, but it's not okay to behave in a way that makes your DDs problems worse than they already are.

He's a bastard.

I'm gutted for her. Poor little thing.

Can you and your daughter make dinner for everyone tonight except him? He doesn't deserve to be treated nicely after intentionally being an arsehole