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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband left a few day ago..

18 replies

Fsz3 · 18/11/2018 14:39

It was quite out of the blue Wednesday night he sat down and said he wasn't happy any more and was in a bad head space, which I was aware of as alot of things were going wrong for him in his job ect. And is now living else where. We have three children together. So far I saw him on friday because he wanted to take the dog for the weekend (its more his) but thats it, no mention of the kids or me. Im 9 weeks pregnant. I was wondering how long did you guys leave it until you asked if they will come to see the kids ect? It feels as though he's just dropped all responsibility. However I am understanding that he's not in a great place mentally. He has walked out on us a few times before when things get too much. This time he has actually found else where to live and told me its over though. Im pretty devastated. Just not how much time I should give him to cool off. Thanks for reading

OP posts:

Babymamamama · 18/11/2018 14:42

I don't have much experience but wanted to bump this for you hopefully others will give advice. Have you got a friend or relative who could support you while you work out what's going on? You must be in shock.

user1498854363 · 18/11/2018 14:47

Goodness, how are you doing? When he’s gone off b4 how long did he go? How old are kids? I would consider saying he is gone for a week to give yrself some breathing space.

Getting accommodation takes time/commitment and may mean he has gone for good. How would that be for you?

Do u have family/friends to be around you?

It’s rubbish that he can’t talk to you or talk about what’s going on, is he getting support?
Really important that you take care of you and little ones, have you something nice to do?

Original poster

Fsz3 · 18/11/2018 14:47

Hey cheers, I do two good friends nearby thankfully. Its difficult because hes in the army, so I am living in army accommodation. When he signs papers at welfare I will get an eviction notice. Cheers for the reply

OP posts:

pallisers · 18/11/2018 14:50

it feels as though he's just dropped all responsibility.

That's because he has. Text him and tell him you want to arrange a meeting to discuss maintenance, overnight access to the children at his new place and him taking the dog permanently (if that is what you want). Don't wait for him to decide what he wants. Do you own or rent? How will you be fixed financially?

He might be in a bad place mentally but he is well enough to move out, get a new place and prioritise the dog. You need to prioritise yourself and your children. good luck.

pallisers · 18/11/2018 14:51

Is there a family/spouse welfare officer in the army who you can go to? It seems awful that you and your children could be evicted without alternative accomodation just because he has upped and left. There must be some "pastoral care" type person in his unit who can advise you. really feel for you.

Josuk · 18/11/2018 14:51

OP - you shouldn’t be understanding, and rather be angry and mobilise to organise your and you kids life....

Can I ask - why would you decide to have a 4th child with a man who walks out on you when things get difficult?
Things in life will continue to be difficult. And this isn’t a partner anyone should stick by.
Unless you are wealthy and have a great family support - i’d really, really think about your 3 children and how their life will be affected if you have another baby on your own. As it doesn’t seem like he is there for any of you.

user1498854363 · 18/11/2018 14:55

Oh that changes things, being in the army he will be well aware that you will loose yr housing, knowing that and that he’s got new housing makes me think this is it for yr relationship, is you being pregnant a source of worry/disagreement?
You do need to plan for you n kids. Away from him. Go to where you have support. Go and don’t look back.
What do u want re him/relationship/him seeing kids etc?

eyeoresancerre · 18/11/2018 15:03

Ok so not to sound to hard hearted ( fellow army wife here) you will get 90 days notice when he tells Welfare you are officially separating. This buys you a little time. Please start making a plan b now in case he doesn't choose to come back.
Are you children in school locally? Do you want to keep them there? If so speak to Welfare and county council housing. If you want to return back to where you were originally from start making plans now.
Do not wait for him. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. The wives that leave it until eviction day - well it's dreadful. I know I sound hard but leave him to his headspace, you now need to get a contingency plan organised.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you though.

Original poster

Fsz3 · 18/11/2018 15:32

Thankyou all for the advice. Ive decided I will be contacting the council tomorrow to get the ball rolling, you are very right I cannot wait for him. I want to move back to where my family are so I can get the support I need. And yes I was foolish to stay with him when he has these moments and very much realise it will be tough with a possible new addition but I am happy to be expecting. I love my children and will do my best. I would like him to see the children on a regular basis if possible so I shall contact him with a plan of what I would like. Cheers again

OP posts:

Wonkypalmtree · 18/11/2018 15:48

You sound really strong and a great Mum, I am pleased that in your update you are making plans. Best wishes to you and your DC

SandyY2K · 18/11/2018 15:53

Wishing you all the best. I'd have no respect for a man who did this tbh.

He has a responsibility to his DC...but he just walks away.

eyeoresancerre · 18/11/2018 17:22

You sound blooming amazing. Your children are lucky to have a strong mother like you.
I hope things turn out for the best. You know there is an army wives Facebook page. There are thousands of uk army wives on it. Many experiencing the same crap as you. May be worth joining as it offers lots of practical advice and support as well as here. X

eyeoresancerre · 18/11/2018 17:23

It's UKforcedWAGs.

eyeoresancerre · 18/11/2018 17:23

Forces not forced - sorry

Bekabeech · 18/11/2018 17:38

I don't believe he can just get you evicted that easily- there is a section here called Forces Sweethearts and it has a lot of advice on getting support.
But don't take him back. And if he doesn't ask to see the kids then he can't complain when you move.

DeadCertain · 18/11/2018 18:21

Bekabeech the serving soldier has to change their Personal Status Category having decided to separate. Once this has been done the spouse is given 93 days in which to vacate the SFA.

Original poster

Fsz3 · 18/11/2018 18:49

Fab cheers for the information. He has said to me that for now he hasn't signed anything just yet to give some more time. At least I can get things moving before I get a notice.

OP posts:

DeadCertain · 18/11/2018 19:04

At his local commander's discretion he can also have a "cooling off" period before he changes his PStat category and things are finalised. 3 months from memory. You could ask him if he has requested this so that you have more of an idea of timescale? The serving soldier still has to pay for the SFA during the cooling off period and the 93 days obviously.

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