Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really don't know what to do...*potentially triggering and slightly graphic*

13 replies

DishevelledandDistressed · 18/11/2018 13:48

I went out last night and ended up getting VERY drunk, way more than I expected, game home giggling at everything. DH was awake and "In the middle of something" so we had a quickie to deal with that so we could eat. Went to bed and DH was still good to go so thought sod it we'll go again but then he wanted to switch to anal and I was almost asleep by that point so I THINK I said just gimme my vibrator. It wasn't exactly pleasant and when he finished I just kinda collapsed feeling a bit shitty about it. This morning I'm seriously emotional and everything is SO sore. I can't look DH in the eye properly and I kinda just want to cry.

I don't know how to process this. I have never felt so off about sex in my life. I initiated it and went through all the motions, but I was SO drunk. Is this regret? I have said something to DH about the physical pain and how in hindsight it was clearly a bad idea, but I don't think he realises how bad I feel about it and I don't know how to tell him.

I have to go in the living room now and I just don't know how I can hide how I feel from my kids :( I feel so stupid. I don't even want him touching me, it doesn't feel right.

Where do I begin to deal with this?

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 18/11/2018 13:51

Sending you Flowers

If you’re that drunk your DH should be aware of it - is that something you’ve done before or would normally consent to? Do you feel like he was trying his luck because he knew you were drunk? If so that’s not okay at all. Are you injured if it’s so painful? Flowers

Shampaincharly · 18/11/2018 13:52

Was it just you that was out ? Was your husband sober?

NotTheFordType · 18/11/2018 13:53

Did your DH have a reasonable belief that you consented?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2018 13:58

Get yourself checked out at the GP or a clinic, you’re in a lot of pain and might have been really hurt.

You don’t have to answer but was it the first you’ve done it ie is it a normal mutually agreed part of your sex life or do you think he saw how drunk you were and tried his luck thinking you were too out of it to say no? I think that makes a bit of a difference though he shouldn’t have hurt you and if you either seemed distressed at the time, or barely conscious, he should obviously have stopped straight away and be a lot more bloody concerned about you today when you’ve told him you’re in pain.

Sethis · 18/11/2018 14:05

Where do I begin to deal with this?

By making sure the kids are able to be left to their own devices for 10-15 minutes, and ask your husband to come into the bedroom so you can have a chat about what happened.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him how much it hurts. Tell him how you don't want to touch him now. Tell him how much you regret the entire thing. See how he feels, and tell him how you feel.

Above all, don't start blaming him for anything right from the get-go. Don't start the conversation with things like "Why did you do anal? Why did you have sex with me when I was drunk?" or anything like that. Just get his opinion on what happened.

If he's a decent partner then he'll be shocked, upset for you, and he'll bend over backwards to fix it at much as he can. Consider a couple of ways he could make it up to you - e.g. he looks after the kids today while you rest. He doesn't ever push for sex, starting now, until you explicitly say you're ready for it. He continues to show affection with a little stroke of your shoulder in passing, or a kiss on your hand or a quick hug, if that makes you feel better. Likewise if it makes you feel worse then he does none of those.

If he's a not-so-great partner then he might be defensive and angry that (from his point of view) you were happy to do something last night that now you bitterly regret, yet you're now blaming him instead of taking responsibility for yourself. He'll resent that you expected him to be psychic about how you were feeling and how drunk you were. After all, you'd already had sex once, why not a second time? Etc etc etc. Try not to let it get to that level of blame-slinging if possible.

And definitely try to work out some way of avoiding it happening ever again. Sorry that this has happened, I hope you manage to sort it out.

Original poster
DishevelledandDistressed · 18/11/2018 14:15

We used to have anal sex quite a bit but not for a long time now, I had our 2nd baby in April and I tore and I can barely tolerate any sex atm (mentally not physically) let alone that. It's been at least 8 months since anything has happened in that department.

Saying that I did initiate this round of sex, he was still hard after his first orgasm so I was using my hands but this is where it starts to get a bit hazy. I know my arms were tired and I was starting to drift off. I can't remember the transition from that to penetrative sex at all but I do remember him touching me in a way that is our usual way of him asking for anal. I just wanted him to get it over with at that point so I did consent; but judging by how much it hurts he didn't do anything to make it easier for me and I think I'm hurt about that.

He was sober, didn't come out, was just me and a female friend

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 18/11/2018 14:22

So you haven’t had sex at all for 8 months following a perineal injury from birth and obvious birth trauma, and when you were drunk he used the opportunity to have anal sex with you without any lubricant? I would be fucking furious. You really need to talk to him.

Quartz2208 · 18/11/2018 14:24

Oh OP i am so sorry it sounds like he took advantage of your drunkeness to do something you would not have done sober and he did it so it hurt you

You need to tell him that and see from there

Shampaincharly · 18/11/2018 14:38

What @Sethis said

Original poster
DishevelledandDistressed · 18/11/2018 15:03

Thank you everyone especially Sethis I did as you said and he's absolutely mortified, can't apologise enough. He's doing everything around the house/dealing with kids whilst I sit on the sofa and have everything brought to me.

He's also promised that it will never happen again. He's giving me plenty of space and he'll be going to work in an hour anyway.

OP posts:
Sethis · 18/11/2018 15:37

@DishevelledandDistressed

I'm really really glad that this was his response - and I'm happy you're having a relatively peaceful rest of the day. Of course I'm very sorry that it happened in the first place, but hopefully it won't happen again.

Enjoy the pampering!

Russell19 · 18/11/2018 18:14

He seems like he didn't intend to hurt you.... hope you are feeling better xx

Quartz2208 · 18/11/2018 19:02

I have to say though any sober person should be able to figure out that doing anal sex without any preparation would hurt at that moment he puts he needs and wishes ahead of the person he is suppose to love

New posts on this thread. Refresh page