Rebuilding confidence after weird work situation

[buttheydo]

I had an amazingly helpful response here a few months back when I was trying to figure out how to exit a toxic work situation gracefully. Due to helpful advice I ended up resigning to do a great volunteering gig, and am now doing some really interesting and enjoyable contact work before starting a job at a new firm in January. (I'm in the legal field.)

I am realising, with distance, how much it has affected me. It was a chaotic environment with too much work taken on and then shouting (literally) and blaming if things went wrong. Now the organisation is paying the price because we've all left and they haven't been able to hire replacements. (Ha ha.)

But honestly I can feel a difference in myself in terms of the lack of trust I now have at work. I can recognise new thought patterns that I didn't use to have like: 'Oh, they're assigning a case last minute, here we go again, I won't have the resources to complete a bundle in time and then they'll make a big deal of apologising to counsel for my incompetence... I need to print out all my emails and cover my back for when that happens.'

I mean, of course we need to be sensible at work and protect our interests. But when your back is up that much, it's really not a good headspace for doing your best work.

It may or may not be relevant but I am the first person in my family to have this kind of professional job. I know I am good at what I do, so I have a certain confidence with that, but I definitely lack a sort of... I don't know, a self-assuredness, instinctual security? For instance if something goes wrong, I immediately blurt out, `Oh no, did I forget to... ' Rather than assuming my work was good as always and waiting to see what actually happened before apologising. Most of the time this isn't a huge problem and people have said they appreciate my humility and willingness to listen. However I fear that this same quality might make me a bit of an easy target when I encounter the odd work psycho.

I have spoken to my counsellor who tried to help but with all respect to her I don't think she quite got it. There's a certain kind of power politics in professional jobs. I love what I do but I need to learn to deflect weirdness better. Or maybe learn to just walk away sooner when it's clear there's a lack of respect?

Is there anyone else who's dealt with this?

TL/DR: I sometimes act like an abused shelter dog at work.

Tough one this. I can assure you that almost everyone has occasional moments of panic at work no matter how experienced, we just learn to cope which comes with experience and self awareness/confidence.

There are some good assertiveness for women courses around. Also consider enhancing your self awareness through general management type courses, learning about personality types (eg Myers-Briggs, Transactional Analysis etc). You can Google the basics on these but definitely do a course if you haven't already. Most HR departments will be happy to find these for you.

It does sound a bit like you may be slipping into Child mode (transactional analysis) under pressure and self awareness can help with coping.

In this kind of situation there’s a lot to be said for masculine bluster and unrepentence and a stubborn refusal to accept you’re at fault until you’ve been proved to be.

Just stop apologising. I don’t think it’s to do with your family. Women do this all the time in business.

Don’t take the blame un-necessarily, and don’t fear confrontation.

I recently left a similar toxic work situation where I was basically told I was shit, despite doing an apparently amazing job across several different workplaces for years. My confidence is shot. I'm not happy in my current job but now lack the confidence to apply elsewhere. I have huge self doubt, it's awful, so I sympathise, OP.

Thanks for the helpful responses. I have never really looked at TA before, that's interesting.

I did in fact make a conscious effort of countering everything with a rational approach, like, 'Let's look at capacity/How about we work out a time line and a flowchart for cases like this/see if you look at the caseworkers' diaries.. .'

But management took this as 'being rude' and 'refusing' to do work. A bit like the Parental mode if you look at the Transactional Analysis you mentioned.

I think the mistake comes in trying to pick sense out of nonsense. For a long time, because there were other good elements of the job, I was trying to 'manage' the situation. But honestly sometimes things are so dysfunctional you have to walk away.

I guess that's the classic effect of bullying, it makes you doubt yourself.

The good news is that walking away has turned out great. :)

Oh and did I mention that they haven't been able to fill the two vacant senior positions despite me and my colleague both giving notice in September? If I weren't so busy enjoying life I would ride by the office on my bicycle and say, 'Ha ha!'

I dont know the answer but I do think that a bullying work environment leaves scars. Even if it is dealt with in-house the scars still remain and events which remind you of that bullying can pull the wounds open again.

The people who werent victims of it dont see that. To them the bullying has stopped so everything is fine again.

I had pretty much this conversation (in private) with the line manager of a colleague who had been bullied fairly badly by his three previous line managers. Eventually the colleague went on to have a breakdown. It wasnt anything the new (and very nice) line manager had done. The damage had been done by the previous line managers.

Ultimately I think walking away as you have done is the best thing. Watch out for 'imposter syndrome' when you start your new role.

Best wishes for your new role.

I think based on this

But honestly I can feel a difference in myself in terms of the lack of trust I now have at work. I can recognise new thought patterns that I didn't use to have like: 'Oh, they're assigning a case last minute, here we go again, I won't have the resources to complete a bundle in time and then they'll make a big deal of apologising to counsel for my incompetence... I need to print out all my emails and cover my back for when that happens.'

That CBT rather than counselling would be much more helpful for you. You’ve developed anxious negative automatic thoughts, they worked for your last work experience sadly but won’t necessarily serve you well in your new role and it’d be great to spend the time between now and January learning about the way your thoughts affect your emotions and specific techniques to identifying and challenging the thoughts that are shooting you in the foot. Your counsellor, unless she’s trained in CBT (and actually qualified from a year long postgrad course, not just done a short weekend course) doesn’t have the skills to teach you what you need right now. Check out the BABCP register for a CBT therapist nearby if you can afford it, ring a few and tell them your situation and ask what they’d recommend doing with you to get the most out of sessions ASAP.

Or failing that I can recommend some self help resources instead.

I had a rough time in my probationary year of teaching, and ended up having the period extended, plus being moved to another school to try again. Apparently, it was All My Fault and I had particular problems with discipline. In retrospect, I can see that totally unreasonable expectations, poor management and lack of support were the issues.
I got lucky; within two weeks of my arrival, my lovely new headmaster was phoning divisional office to ask what all this nonsense about extended probation was about, he considered me headship material! I received my letter telling my the probationary period was successfully completed, in the same week as my friend about whom there had never been any doubt.It was that early in the school year. What I didn't know then was, the powers that be were beginning to feel alarmed at the rapid turnover of teachers in that school, and spot the common denominator...
I also appreciate that "pioneer" feeling; my parents were lovely, but were out to work at fourteen years old, so couldn't really offer advice, just great support.
But my confidence took a battering, and I took a long time to recover from the "impostor syndrome", half expecting it all to fall around my ears again. I did the "fake it 'til you make it" routine until I got my breath back, (applying lippy felt like donning warpaint every morning!) and found some comfort in supporting friends going through similar, including mentoring younger colleagues, with my first head as a Terrible Warning, and the second as a Great Example.
Many years have passed, but I still take a childish pleasure in blowing a long raspberry and making rude signs when passing the building, despite it having passed under new management many years ago.
It's early days for you. Hang on in there; it does get better!

trying to make sense out of nonsense I've done this. It messes with your head and becomes part of your subconsious thought process.
Any sort of bullying has long lasting impact. Whether as a child or adult. Your thoughts become distorted. When I was in that 'pit', I couldn't see it and it takes alot of work to regain yourself.
Hopefully your councellor will help you get back to your old self! And help you spot the signs of toxic behaviour in others.

< misses point > love the thought of you and your friend riding past office on bicycle, ringing handlebar bell, in the style of Butch and Sundance.