Help me see.if my MH is being worsened by a strained marriage.Really struggling today :(

[whatisforteamum]

Posted on here loads.Been with other half almost 32 years.We.had very little money but we were happy.After ten years Dd was born closely followed by ds.The loss of my income put us on the poverty line pretty much.We had no family support .17 years in I had an affair.I was so unhappy at home isolated and broke.I came to my senses and thought of the dcs so dh and I just worked hard and kept the family together.He did holidays with them.
Fast forward to now when we had left home and DS is a grown man.
I have been diagnosed with panic disorder so haven't Driven I am for 18 months.Also mild depression.
So I wonder if my dh has helped cause this.We sleep separately have done 20 plus years.
We ha e separate days off due to my job being shift work.
He shows me no affection at.all.
We were due to visit dd
this week end but it is 4 hours away and I struggle to travel far and awaiting CBT.
Despite this it.has made.him angry.I have no DO support as although work colleagues say I'm lovely and chatty I struggle to socialize and I'm not off on a regular days to join anything anyway.
I feel like I am sinking......my popping out to the shops or for a.coffee with DH is so few and far between.
He has a n ok job but his travel costs him his spending money and will never even look for another job.....I've had several and don't understand this.
He is obese and had a heart attack.a major one and won't lose.weight.
I struggle to understand him so bury myself in work.
My Ds.and.work colleagues show me a lighter side.of life.What can I do when DH lives his own life golfing etc.and practically ignores that I am struggling.Is it normal to feel rained by your marriage sometimes.

Didn't want to read and run.

I really feel for you. Is it a sense of independence that you feel your missing for when DH is off doing his thing? Do you have any hobbies? Any interests? Are there any local groups you could join? Book club? Walking club? Anything that could get you out and about with other people?

I can imagine that your marriage being so awful isn't helping you.

But it sounds like you are both equally yo blame for the mess.

Nothing is going to change until you force it.

I agree two people in unhelpful circumstances isn't fair on either.I can't join any groups due to my changing week for week rota.I love my job normally and it gives me.distraction and much needed company and money.The downside is everyone is MUCH younger and mostly single so little in common.and some stress through workload for us all which has affected moral.Normally I would just look elsewhere but struggle with public transport.
I do feel like I have lost my independance.
My dh has used a lot of his annual leave on himself and his friends.
More than likely I feel lonely since Dd left home and DF died last year .

You have stayed together because of the kids - now they are gone there is a huge hole in your life and your marriage isn't filling it.

Your recent bereavement is showing you how short life is.

You know you can be happy with work colleagues, DS and DD.

Don't BLAME your DH for your sadness - he stuck around for the DCs when YOU had the affair. He has made many sacrifices.

But this marriage brings you nothing. Find the energy to release both of your from this misery and find peace elsewhere.

Fair enough.Well said.Sound advice.

Have you actually sat down and talked to him about what you both want in life, you had an affair and decided to stay, but it seems you decided to stay in misery, separate rooms, no rekindling of love.

So you both made a choice to have low expectations of each other and not expect anything of life?

I would sit down and seriously talk, your mental health has a huge amount to do with the way you live your life.

It’s easy to point the finger and to blame someone else but given the separate lives you lead it wouldn’t be difficult to see that your H is probably lonely in your marriage too. Your affair, MH issues etc would have impacted on him greatly and where ‘living a separate life’ to you was his way to stay in your marriage.

Given what you’ve written there isn’t much to suggest your H is ‘the cause’ of your MH problems but the lack of companionship would have an impact on you. He can’t ‘fix’ you and do you really want to rekindle your relationship with him or do you want him to fill the voids your deteriorating MH have exposed?

I do not know if you can rekindle what you once had but pointing the finger isn’t the most constructive way to go about it.

I don't blame dh.In fact in the summer we got on well on the rare occasions we saw each other.The gp said I have SAD which would tie in with me being a larger than life energetic person in the spring summer to how I feel now.I am also 52 so probably at menopause too.p
I do struggle with his lack of ambition and making no attempts to lose weight.His own dm died of a heart attack at 44 so I would be thought having one himself he would not want make his dcs go through what he went through.....looking a.parent.
I don't blame him I just wonder if complete opposites drain each other.

I have.spoken to him and he just.becomes defensive and says shall we split up is that what you want.I guess it only becomes apparent how little we.have to do with each other when we are both off.some of this is my fault with my profession some his for being t umed out anyway.We have no mortgage and currently live in an expensive area.u
I have no idea how much happier either of us would be alone.IYSWIM