Ideas on dealing with IL's please

[TheOutlawsAgain]

NC'ed because I'm paranoid.

There's a long history with the IL's, but the essence is my SIL and BIL (DH's sister and her DH) like to come round a visit. Problem is that when they do come, they're often really grumpy and a bit aggressive. They won't smile, no manners, and are just generally low level unpleasant, or ungracious as my DH would say. This sets my anxiety off, so even if I know they're visiting MIL I will start worrying that they may drop by. There are exceptions when they're lovely. It's like a switch.

My SIL is very secretive and won't talk to me about anything. She will exclude me in family discussions about her elderly parents care, which is fine. I respect that. So I have no idea what's going on with her or what she might be dealing with, I just get the grumpiness. MIL will try to explain, but obvs she will also be respecting confidences.

My DH is great, and mostly he will go and see them at MIL's house, but she's elderly and I don't want him to feel like his family can't come round.

The question is: how do I handle this? It impacts on my family life because I get tense, the kids pick up on it, and generally the atmosphere is pretty awful. Christmas is looming. I feel like telling them to snap out of it or go somewhere else but that would cause WW3.

How would you handle it?

Is it new or sudden change or have they always been like this?
Can you just ask them what's up?

OP - presumably the visit isn’t for days on end.
Take a glass of wine and think of England?
Why does it matter that they are grumpy? Why does it bother YOU? It only makes their life less pleasant, and yours only for a few hours.
We all have to put up with difficult people at different points of our lives - and it’s possible.
Think if that as something you are doing for your H - giving him time with his sister.
Make food, be busy with arrangements and kids. Make chit-chat.
Stop expecting them to change and become ‘friendly’ with you. They are adults and won’t change.

It’s not the end of the world. Just a few hours where you have a small talk. Ignore their grumpiness, and then they’ll leave.
🤷🏻‍♀️

What does your husband think about this from his sister and her husband?.

You are under no obligation here to see them and it’s not your fault they are like this, you did not make them this way.

It's become worse over the years. In the first couple of years they were fine.

TBH I find confrontation extremely difficult, whereas they love it. Sometimes it feels like they are just looking for an argument. I imagine their reaction would be 'What do you mean? What are you saying? Are you saying we're GRUMPY?!!!' and then there's an argument.

In the past arguments have got so heated that my DH, SIL and BIL start shouting. SIL used to storm off for a walk and we'd be stuck at home waiting for her to come back. They haven't done that recently tho, it has to be said.

But this scenario for me is a nightmare. I like a calm and peaceful home. It's not great.

Why should op have these unpleasant people in her home at all particularly as they also affect her own family unit?. Why should people tolerate grumpy and or otherwise difficult relatives?

What I do not understand is why your sil is so secretive re her parents, they are your husbands parents too.

My DH doesn't get very emotional at all. He doesn't get easily stressed and I've seen people shout at him and get very cross, he just stays calm. It just doesn't seem to affect him at all. I guess he's used to it, having grown up with her!

They know you do not like confrontation but they thrive on it.

I would not have them in your home at all. You would not tolerate this from a friend.

I think his sister,s behaviour does affect him but he has learnt to manage her by tuning it out. He has indeed grown up in all likelihood seeing this from her, it’s a dynamic that certainly predates you.

What I don't understand is why they have to visit at all, if they're grumpy and bad tempered. Clearly they don't enjoy the visits any more than you do. Is it "duty"? Do they feel they have to visit? Just tell them no, sorry you have "plans"! ClassicMN!

I could tell DH they can't come around, but that's not very nice for him. And he'd have to go to his mum's and we'd miss out on seeing him. As it is he's spent half his leave helping his family.

I don't think they're mean or abusive, I think they're struggling. If we were able to somehow communicate better I could be more supportive. I don't know if that's possible. I think they genuinely don't realise how badly they come across. That when I open the door to them and they don't smile for example, it's upsetting. But I get that they don't know, because I don't say anything.

So I guess what I'm asking is, how do I manage to get my feelings across non-confrontationally and calmly, when my palms are sweating, my hearts hammering and I'm stuttering.

If there is shouting, I’d remove my children and speak to the relatives after the incident about not shouting/arguing aggressively around my children. Ask them to take the argument outside or ideally have it in the car on their way home!

What about his own family here, why is it he has spent half his leave helping his family?. What do they need help with?

You are not his sisters and your brother in laws emotional punchbag here. Abuse also is primarily about power and control, it’s not about communication or a perceived lack thereof.

Define mean and abusive, how would you describe these people’s behaviors towards you and in turn your whole family unit.?

OP - part of the issue is your expectations of them.
You open the door, they aren’t smiling - and your are upset????

Not everyone is like you. Not everyone is smiley.
You seem to want something from the interactions with them that they do not want.

You say - they might be struggling and you’d be supportive if they opened up.
Clearly - they don’t need you to be supportive.
Just let them be and stop expecting something, some closer relationship.
‘Getting your feelings about them across’ isn’t the focus here. You aren’t the focus here - it’s NOT about you. It’s your H’s sister and his relationship.
Will be easy if you worry less about them.

Let our H interact with them and engage in discussions that get heated. Walk away if it’s too much for you.
It’s his family.

Your reaction - with palms sweating and heart jumping - it really something you need to work with.
You can only change yourself and your reaction to the situation. It’s over-involved and unhealthy.
Don’t try to change them, work in dealing with it from your side.

Just wondering if you have inadvertently something to upset them?

My DH told them to stop shouting, and tbf they mostly have.

Attila, his dad has Alzheimers, so DH helps out with hospital appointments and that sort of thing. SIL doesn't live in our town, she's a couple of hours away so isn't always available.

Josuk, you're right. Our expectations and needs are clearly very different.

Purple, I know SIL feels jealous of what she perceives my life to be. I think that's the root of where this all comes from.

Actually talking it through with you lovely people has helped me get perspective. They're not my family, not my monkeys. DH is quite happy to deal with them.

I will try mentally checking out and not taking it so personally.

Thanks all.