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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating at 40 something!!

22 replies

Mimals · 18/11/2018 10:23

Hey everyone!
I'm wondering if anyone can give me a opinion on this? I've been on 5 or 6 dates with the same guy (not gone beyond a kiss). It all seemed to be going ok, then a few days ago he pulled me up on the fact that I describe myself as vegetarian. In fairness I'm not veggie, I just choose not to eat meat. I eat fish now and again and if my son is home from uni and he orders a takeaway I might even eat chicken curry. Just on a daily basis I only tend to eat plant based food. I'm well aware of the differences between vegan, veggie and pescatarian but for ease of conversation I say I'm mostly veggie. So I said to him via text that I'd been "veggie" for months and that my daughter was mostly vegan (she wears leather items and has milk in her coffee twice a day if she doesn't feel like coconut milk). He came back with a massive rant which included "you can't be mostly vegan you either are or you aren't!" As well as calling me a muppet and ridiculous etc. Because I have a mad sense of humour I didnt think he was being off I took it as "banter" as they say! I said to him "what are you talking about?! Of course you can be vegan sometimes!" Teasing. But he kind of hit the roof and I really was joking and being light hearted. But he took huge offence to me saying what was he talking about and didn't believe me when I said I was teasing and laughing at myself, he was really offended. More ranting and I apologised for upsetting him. So then the next day was our date, he still didn't really believe I was joking and he said I say that now and that I always do it etc.... I was a bit shocked because it was really out of the blue this sudden change in him. Then he mentioned a suicide had happened in his family years ago, he knows the same has happened in mine. He asked me whos pain is worse the person who did it or the people left behind and I said I honestly just don't know. It's a really difficult one. I couldn't answer. So he jumped up and said I obviously thought the people left behind suffered more, said he'd had enough of me, he gives up on my stupidness, I never "get" anything, or understand anything and stormed out of the pub and just left me! Luckily I had my car and could get home. Then he was calling me and texting me straight away to apologise but I was still driving so then thinking I'd ignored him he texted me that I was just a muppet. I said I didn't want to throw insults around because it wasn't my thing and then the weirdest thing. He switched and texted me that he wanted to move on from our "row" because I was funny, caring, kind, sexy and he really values my opinions and loved spending time with me and would miss me. This was two days ago and I've been nice to him via text because I don't want him texting me being horrible. But I can't see him again obviously and right now I've blocked his number which feels really sheepish but I don't want to the hassle. It was just really confusing. Has anyone had this happen? And why suddenly switch to being nice? Thanks guys. X

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 18/11/2018 10:28

WTF

Mimals · 18/11/2018 10:48

WTF is where I'm at. I'm just trying to make sense of what happened. The shock only hit me last night and I blocked him.

OP posts:
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 18/11/2018 10:55

OP your title is misleading. This has nothing to do with dating at 40 and everything to do with dating a Muppet- and that's him not you. Block and move on.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 18/11/2018 10:57

There is no sense to be made of this. He's just a dick.

RaininSummer · 18/11/2018 11:02

I wouldn't waste any more time on him tbh. This will quickly become a pattern whenever you disagree. Sounds like you are only allowed opinions when they coincide with his.

Mimals · 18/11/2018 11:03

Thank you! I really appreciate the replies. I'm new here. I put dating at 40 because I'm 42 and dating again and it's hard! I'm pretty level headed but things happen and I'm left thinking what the hell happened there?!! Normally I can make sense of things but now and again I get baffled and it's so helpful to have other mums points of view. Thank you! I've moved on, I'm just a bit scared he'll somehow contact me and start ranting. I wanted to tell him I didn't want to see him again but I didn't want the argument. He really changed this week. He was always saying he was really laid back and chilled out which would have suited me but he's gone crazy! I'm relieved I found out now. X

OP posts:
BundyLancroft · 18/11/2018 11:32

dont give him any more headspace OP. Block and delete and find someone nicer to date. OLD is a very weird world!

GaraMedouar · 18/11/2018 11:44

Yep , block and delete. I'm 49 and would like to date but can't face it after so many stories like these of OLD weirdos! By the way I eat plant based and sometimes describe myself as vegan. Because that's what I choose to eat but occasionally I eat fish, or egg in something. I'd better be careful who i tell (don't want a rant of someone saying your not really vegan, which I know I'm not technically 😁)

AFistfulofDolores1 · 18/11/2018 11:46

Anyone who says they're laid-back/chilled, is not.

This applies universally, e.g.:

  • Anyone who says they're honest, is not
  • Anyone who says they don't mess around does,
  • Anyone who says they're not the jealous type, is

The truth doesn't declare itself, and generally people who are intrinsically laid back, for example, don't say that on internet dating sites.

A good rule of thumb, OP.

Oh - and he's abusive and has anger issues, so well done for blocking him,

HopelessWithNumbers · 18/11/2018 11:54

Totally agree with Fistful regarding people who say they are laid back.
So many mens’ OLD profile says they are laid back.
I think it means ‘don’t give me any shit about anything, ever, no matter what I do’.

maximumcarnage · 18/11/2018 11:55

Wow. He’s a keeper. In the better lock my doors and hire an armed escort sorta way. Sorry it didn’t work out for you. Although I’m sure he’s a cuddly guy with a warm and gooey centre I think you’re better off without him.

The problem everyone has with dating or even meeting new people in general is that we want to appear at our best, most awesome and most funny. We hide our flaws, bury our issues in the hope of giving the best possible impression. We are all good at that but eventually our true, hideous form is revealed. You got a glimpse of the real him and it wasn’t pretty. Hopefully the next guy is nicer and a little less...well, nuts.

Mimals · 18/11/2018 12:12

I did think he was potentially an abusive bloke. I think that's why I got a bit scared and my instincts told me to run. I haven't had a great experience OLD to be honest. I thought it would be a really great idea because you get to know the person a bit before meeting up etc and being a working mum I don't go out much at all. I also thought that by my age people might be more settled and grounded as in not playing the games the young people play etc.... I thought honesty and tolerance and a more mature approach I guess would be the vibe but it doesn't seem like it. I think this guy was just a bad one and at least I found out early on. I was just so shocked!! It was crazy! You hear of these things but when it's you it's super mad! I'm a bit scared to date now, but I also think there must be some nice guys out there too! It's a tough one. I'm annoyed now that he treated me like that but proud that I've gotten rid of him before it went any further! X

OP posts:
Mimals · 18/11/2018 12:15

So right about putting your best self forward while dating initially. I went out with him 5 or 6 times before I saw the real him. It was scary. I think women are more open and honest about themselves. Men seem to have a lot to hide!

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 18/11/2018 12:16

Don’t think it matters how old you are, in fact I’m willing to bet the older you get the bigger the chip on our shoulders gets. I wouldn’t suggest any woman date me. I have more issues than a mad hatter at an asylum. Still least you found out about this jerk now. Go forth and find a decent guy.

Shampaincharly · 18/11/2018 12:20

Maya Angelou
When someone shows you who they are , believe them .
You have done the right thing.

Rachelover40 · 18/11/2018 12:23

Why don't you just cool it for now and meet a few other chaps. Maybe not advertise your semi-veggie state because you are not a vegetarian, might be a deal breaker if you were but you're like me, eat meat/fish rarely.

There are plenty more fish in the sea and you can meet/meat them :-). It will be fun dating and the original one you mentioned can dangle from a line for a while.

More fun dating than getting hitched up and you've not done anything much so far so - be casual.

Good luck!

Umbongointhejungle · 18/11/2018 13:02

I mean I get really irritated with people who say they’re veggie or vegan when they’re not.
But then I wouldn’t rant at someone or get angry about it, I would just probably not date them as I find it irritating. It would just be on a list of things we aren’t compatible with.
He sounds fucking batshit, if he can get angry about that, WTAF will he be like when something really serious happens

NotTheFordType · 18/11/2018 13:37

@AFistfulofDolores1

you forgot:
I'm a genuine person
I'm a nice guy
You can definitely trust me

OP:
No idea why you'd pick this thread title and your belated explanation makes no sense.
Just dump the cunt and move on

AFistfulofDolores1 · 18/11/2018 14:08

NotTheFordType

I did! :)

I really need to write a guide, because most people give themselves away completely if you study a combination of their username (often a total Freudian slip); their catchphrase; their photo; their intro write-up.

Umbongointhejungle · 18/11/2018 17:44

@AFistfulofDolores1
I would read that!

SnowBrussels · 18/11/2018 17:46

As others have said, don’t waste any more time on him. Block, delete and next!

Mimals · 18/11/2018 17:56

If anyone writes a guide I want a copy!!! X

OP posts:
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