Manipulated into sex

[allupsidedown]

I got out of hospital with a long term condition 15 days ago. I was in hospital for 10 days. I am on a host of pills, feeling sore and exhausted. I'm still awaiting an MRI before they decide what to do next with me. I'm still off work and needing naps most days. My dh has been patchy in his support. Well actually, been very little support at all, left me alone on the day I got out of hospital with our two young kids. I had to make tea. (Couldn't just order a take away as I'm on a restricted diet) I also had to put them to bed. I was beyond tired but just about managed.
For the last 10 days, dh has been going on about how good I look. I suffered an extreme weight loss due to my condition. It was part of the reason for my hospital admission.
He has been moaning about me not going near him. It isn't that I don't want to but I'm just exhausted.
The steroids I'm on have messed up my sleeping. My pain meds wear off in the night and I'm basically surviving on about 5 broken up hours of sleep. The rest of the time I lie there listening to him sleep whilst I'm in pain.
I went to bed before him. He says that I waste the evenings but I can get some sleep from 9pm-midnight. I woke up and he had come to bed. He was moaning again about wanting sex, going on that I just don't go near him etc.
I relented and we had sex. I wasn't in pain and quite enjoyed it although part of me just wanted to go back to sleep. I basically did it to shut him up.
He then went straight to sleep and I am lying here in increasing pain from my disease, probably not helped by the sex, unable to sleep and pissed off.
Dh is again going into work all day tomorrow leaving me with the kids. I'm going to be shattered.
Im note even sure why I'm posting this. I know I should have just said no again but the whining and moaning gets a bit much. So much for sickness and in health. I feel like he gives no shits about me.
Hope I can get some sleep soon. I am going to try and sleep now.

I'm so sorry you are ill. Your husband sounds fucking awful.

It doesn't matter why he is like this, do you want to tolerate this?

My ex was similar in his total lack of support even after I had energency surgery, he put his needs first.
I did leave and now find that I have more support as people know I am single. Previously they assumed I had a decent husband.

I get that workplaces can be tough but if he hasn't tried to get leave or flexibility then he isn't the partner you deserve.

I am so sorry to read this op . Please believe that you deserve better. You need to put yourself and your health first. When that is back on an even keel, please consider your options re DH. He just sounds so cold and selfish. I wouldn't let a casual friend deal with this stuff alone, never mind my partner.

He’s a pig and you deserve better

I don't understand how he can behave like this. It isn't just towards me. I am furious about how little he has supported the kids. No Dh, buying another Xbox controller and a game doesn't really count. Both kids have been very worried about me and about me dying. I'm not dying but think that is just their big fear as usually I am strong and hold everything together. Dh has not a clue about what goes on in their lives. I think he could alleviated some of the concerns but chose to just ignore them. Dd1 is 7 and has started clinging to me at school drop off. She won't go anywhere (barely the loo) without me. Dd2 is 4, her sleep pattern is totally messed up which is very unusual. She has been falling out with her peers too.

Op, Focus on yourself and tell people what is happening. Don't minimise his lack of support.

Your priority is your health as that long-term is in the dc's interests. Let stuff slide in the house where possible as your rest is important.

My dc went through the same clingness as they feared I would die..the youngest thought I might die in my sleep which kept him awake so I made sure I did the night time and morning routines.Can you sleep when they are at school?
I have never understood Ex's behaviour, the mildest behaviour could be attributed to ASD as I knew he could not read situations however the extreme callous behaviour/self centredness was on the personality disordered spectrum and isn't typical of ASD.

Ultimately I realised the reasons behind his behaviour did not matter, if my partner did not have my back when I was at my lowest then he didn't deserve me.
Is your work understanding or is there pressure to return?

Work are very supportive but I'm at the stage where I'm desperate to go back...but still need lots of naps because I'm exhausted. I hope another week and I can go back.
He is very sheepish since Friday night and worried he hurt me. I don't think he hurt me but I was in pain and probably it was made worse by sex.
Oddly, when I was pregnant and horny, he didn't want to touch me in case he hurt me or the baby. I had had multiple miscarriages previous to the kids being born.
I don't have the energy to even consider leaving him just now. I have to get back to full strength before I can make any decisions. Certainly a discussion is needed about priorities. Dh thinks that going to work and providing is his main priority. He is good around the house, when he is here. The issue is he is just never here to help. Mostly, when he is here we are a very happy wee unit. However, he goes to work and it is as if we no longer exist to him.
I think marriage counselling might be the way forward but that is for after I'm back on my feet. I have a horrible feeling I've suffered a set back in my recovery. I think the tapered down steroids are not working as well after the last reduction. I'm going for a blood test later and will take it from there. X

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I would stop with the whole trying to put a gloss on things re life at home (all this about he's good around the house when he is here but then you write he is never there). Its not doing you any favours.

I also doubt if he is anywhere on the ASD spectrum frankly (and that also shows me a poor understanding of what ASD is), he is your common or garden selfish and abusive man. Look at his family OP, they are the same as he is. Your H is a poor role model both as a husband and a father. He continues to serve his own self at yours and your kids expense.

If counselling is done here you need to go on your own. You need to be able to talk freely in both a calm and safe environment.

No you are not a happy wee unit when he is there and when is he ever there anyway?. Is he from the school of thought that thinks that because he provides money he can (and does) abdicate all other responsibilities?.

Please take care OP. With sex it really does take 2 to tango, not just one or one and a bit. Of course there's crap sex then there's the other. It may help to keep a diary or send yourself emails. Be very wary about couples counselling. It would probably be advisable to go alone for the first few.

My ex used everything he learned in couples counselling against me. Meanwhile he went round and round the same old same old like a mouse on a wheel.

The incident where you had sex seems like a bit of a red herring OP. Did you feel unable to say no? Were you afraid of something/anything happening if you declined? From the sounds of it he said he wanted it a few times, you did it and enjoyed it and as you’ve said, you’re not hurt from it.

The other stuff however... he sounds pretty useless! It gets to a certain point however where you are under no illusions, you know this is the husband you’ve got and you’re choosing to stay with him or leave. At this stage it sounds like the good outweighs the bad (hence wanting marriage counselling instead of planning to leave when you’ve recovered), but maybe you’ll feel better to start a bit of a plan now around what it’d look like to leave, where you’d go, how you’d afford it, who you could count on for support, what financial stuff is in whose name and so forth, just so you have that confidence knowing that if you do want to leave you know what will have to happen. Does that sound like a good idea?

Yes, I wasn't forced to have sex. I'm just a bit taken aback at him not realising how unwell I have been.
He asked me about test results yesterday...I haven't had the test. I told him this. He saw the letter. He just isn't engaged in anything to do with me. I am a bit invisible to him.
I think he believes I am invincible. I make a good attempt at appearing to be invincible but I've come to realise that this time I need help. He is still burying his head in the sand.

Do you act as though you’re invincible? As difficult as it may be, maybe you’re better off showing your vulnerability instead of trying to act like you’re invincible, if people see you as being strong and bulletproof that’s how they’ll treat you. Similarly, if you don’t show someone how unwell you are and just try to soldier on it’s difficult for them to know you’re poorly and that you need help. I think it’s time to let your guard down a bit and admit you’re not invincible and let him see things as they really are when you’re struggling.

I would find my life was much better without him in it.

You weren't manipulated into having sex. You were raped.

You relented, relenting isn't consenting.
You said you did it to shut him up. That isn't consent.
It's not consent if you are afraid to/cannot say no.

@FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine Op said, I relented and we had sex. I wasn't in pain and quite enjoyed it although part of me just wanted to go back to sleep. I basically did it to shut him up.

That is not consent. She relented to shut him up. She felt like she had no choice. Enjoying it or not, she didn't consent.

It's the "enjoyed it" that's the red herring here, nothing else.

I am trying to show my vulnerable side more but it is tricky as I don't want the kids thinking I'm an invalid. I want, at the moment, for them to think Mummy is fine. They have plenty of years ahead where they can be worrying about their old mum. I want them to be as carefree as possible at 7&4 though.
It is like my husband is very black and white. He can't see, even when I bloody tell him, that I am in a grey area just now. He has to experience things for himself or he doesn't appear to believe them. Ie he was very worried Sunday as I appeared more sore and he thought this was because of the sex.
As I say, departmentalising himself is his way of coping. He works hard but forgets about us whilst at work. I wondered about making him a sort of visual timetable to remind him why he is working so hard. It is for us but don't bloody forget us or think that is all he is needed for.

I think you are making excuses for him. Of course he knows that you are uncomfortable. You are telling him, he is just deciding not to hear it.

Regardless of how he sees the world, who on earth thinks it's OK to abandon his wife for over 24 hrs when she goes into hospital and puts football above looking after his children??

Then makes it impossible for you to refuse sex 15 days after leaving hospital for what was a pretty lengthy admission, when you are insisting you are sore and exhausted? Stop making excuses. See him for who he is, because he doesn't seem to care about what you need/want.

What I am really hearing from you, allupsidedown is that you are doing an awful lot of thinking on behalf of your husband. It sounds as though you are trying to second guess what he is thinking to keep the peace. I agree with the others who have said that being manipulated into sex isn't consent. It is the other.

If he is departmentalising as his way of coping and he is doing it at your expense, please take care. Relationships are about communication and it seems as though you are making loads of time to be understood or listened to. Your h either doesn't have ears or he doesn't care.

It may be worth a phone call to Women's Aid. They will listen and understand and absolutely will not tell you what to do, and you may feel more re-assured.