Has anyone got their H to confess to an affair based on defensible evidence?

[cloudbusting42]

Namechanged for this. Long story short, my H gave me the script (I’m suddenly unhappy and it’s all your fault) and left the family home. I then found romantic messages between him and an ow and have been sitting on this information for a couple of weeks.

The knowledge that he’s continuing to lie through his sorry teeth is eating me up. We’re in frequent contact because of shared residency of our kids. I’ve given him the chance to confess a couple of times since my discovery but the bullshit script continues.

I’m reluctant to let him know that I know for a few reasons:

1. The messages are not explicit but clearly show him pursuing a new relationship with this woman (who he met a few weeks before our split). I’m guessing nothing physical has happened yet, allowing him (in his weird world) to claim to everyone that there’s no-one else.
2. It gives him the chance to cover his tracks.
3. It might risk financial negotiations to come – he’s being pretty reasonable about that at the moment, and there’s quite a bit at stake.

I’m just bursting for him to confess. I realise this probably won’t happen as it would require him to admit to being a massive lying wanker, but it’s driving me to distraction. Would love to hear any advice on either eliciting a confession or getting this out of my head and focusing on other things?

I hope this makes sense - my head is done in!

At the moment he feels guilty and is being financially generous. I wouldn't rock that boat myself. What will you gain? A few moments of satisfaction until he denies it and things turn nasty? Keep your powder dry until it's the right time.

OP - take a breath and think about your/your kids best interest at this point.
And that IS to get the best financial settlement you can do.

Not sure what admission you really are after....
It unlikely he left because he started chatting to someone.
More likely - he WAS unhappy - (because of whatever your relationship was - NOT you, obviously)
And having made up his mind to leave - chatting with someone just followed...

You need a safe space to vent this anger - maybe counselling - otherwise you risk shooting yourself in the foot. But a settlement might take 1-2 years to agree - who will remember (or care) by then if he was seeing someone a week before or a week after your split?

Remember why you split - focus on that - if he has someone else now - feel the rage but dont let it blow up in your face.

Wait til everything is in writing and done and dusted.

When he tells you he has a new girlfriend just say ‘oh (her name) I know all about that’

I see you want to confront him, understandably to vent and to show him you're well aware but in the end, I don't think it can make you any happier (both the financial risk and the almost zero likelihood of anything positive coming from it) make it seem not worth it, as it's not like what he says in response will determine whether you halt your divorce I imagine. Maybe spend more energy on getting the split finalised e.g. financially and then leave the confession as a desert lol,winning the war rather than the battle :)

I'm in a somewhat similar position. Ex is denying she's seeing the guy she had an emotional affair with (which led to us separating). She's claiming she's single. Even without the two huge smoking guns I stumbled across, simple psychology just shouts "balls" to it in my head. She's divorced, he's been chucked out, they both became single at the same time, stayed in touch and they were both utterly infatuated with each other for a whole year before we split. So I'm supposed to believe that when the separations happened they both suddenly went "oh okay, yeah, let's stop all the teenage mooning and just be friends"?

Uh... right...

But the truth is we are separated now and she's the right to date whoever she wants and has no requirement to tell me. It's probably better for my mental health I don't know too much too. But, yeah, it's more that gnawing sense of being taken for a fool. It's the gossip of the village for Chrissakes. You just wish they'd just own up instead of feel the need to lie, though I understand she might be trying to not rock the boat.

So I understand completely. But I also agree with others that there's not much you can do about it - and probably, in the wider scheme of things, that's probably for the best.

When it does come out - and, if it survives, it will have to at some point, no doubt presented as "oh we got together after we'd been single for a while - all perfectly above board" - I've already resolved to simply state "what a relief, that's [our village's] worst kept secret finally out in the open then."

💐 I am sorry

I struggled with this when my ex and I split and ultimately I decided it didn’t matter and let it go. There were good reasons. Either way it’s over - you need to put the kids at the centre of everything you do. By remaining pleasant you reduce anxiety for the kids, arrangements can be made more easily, and you both are more inclined to be flexible when need be. And yes, the money is important, and he will be more inclined to be fair when you aren’t playing the ‘Hah, I told you so’ game. It was tricky biting my tongue to start with, but we’ve ended up as friends who are successfully coparenting well adjusted kids. When an issue arose with one of the kids recently my ex and I we able to meet up and discuss how to deal with it over a coffee. If I have to work late or vice versa we are happy to swap pick up or school run duties (it helps that we live fairly close to each other). That’s worth way more to me than getting one over on him. Play the long game - it’ll be worth it for the sake of the kids, and your own sanity.

I think Lelly has given some good advice here. Primarily this will be for the sake of your children.

TBH It will make marginal difference to the financial settlement so don’t expect too much credit here. The parameters for what you get ar fairly well set and aren’t based on blame or guilt. Being amicable means you can reach agreement without expensive legal and court costs.

So if you decide to bury it, then do this. Don’t mentally hold it over him, because it will undo whatever good foundations you achieved for coparenting.

It sounds like you know the truth and want a confession for “closure”. But you just might open up more angst for yourself. He will either lie for whatever reasons or perhaps say things you don’t want to hear.

Sort of yes. Ex came with he was unhappy at Christmas (a few years ago) and that he wanted to end the marriage. Later on (I think February) he went to a local health spa and he came home with not only his welcome pack but that of two other women. I hid them and kept quiet. Fast forward to April that year and I caught him on the phone - although at the time I had no idea who he was talking to. He upgraded his phone so "I borrowed the old one," along with the family ipad. I came across plenty of evidence of his sustained cheating. I confronted him and he denied it. He eventually admitted to some but not all. It took me a while to track down the OW he had been talking to on the phone. She was one of the names who went to the spa with ex. She even posted pictures on her facebook account. She knew about me and our DC. She also had a DC went she started seeing ex. (Her DC was just 1). He has cheated on OW as well. He is such a catch! Anyway OW was a colleague - not even the first colleague either. She has at least one predecessor in her workplace.

Ex (and I am sure this goes for most cheats) only ever to admit to the evidence in front of them. They don't admit to anything if they don't have to. I suspect ex of much more (some of it very close to home) but can't say anything till I have evidence. (It is that close too home!).

I also know other stuff I have never confronted him about as I got it from a dubious source (ie another of his OW who didn't know about me / his DC) and didn't want ex to know we had talked. Ex has history of (very minor) domestic issues so I didn't want to put her in harms way.

My advice gather as much evidence as possible as once they know you know, they start covering their tracks.

You just don’t have enough to gain from forcing him to confess (assuming you can) to make the effort worthwhile.

Plus there’s too much risk you’ll turn a reasonably amicable split into a much more confrontational one. You don’t need that and nor do your DC. Biting your tongue’s the best option, IMO.