Self esteem decimated by OLD

[lemonsouffle]

Long story short. I was married for 20 years, found out two years ago that he was shagging a colleague ( hired a PI and caught them in the act). Self esteem obviously battered by that betrayal (he even told me she had better boobs than me). Subsequently fell into a toxic relationship with a complete narcissist who found me at my most vulnerable and basically used me for sex for 18 months. I know, I should've put a stop to it immediately but he kept coming back into my life and I was lonely and wanted intimacy.

I finally blocked and deleted him from my life about 4 months ago. Since then met a seemingly lovely guy on Tinder. Respectful, polite, kind, generous. Always made the effort to drive to me.

Third date he opened up to me about the fact he had testicular cancer 10 years ago. It was obviously a horrendous time for him and after he told me I gave him a massive hug. We went back to my house, chatted more about it and ended up in bed. We didn't have full sex because I didn't have any condoms, but we had a good time (or I thought we did). I was very complimemtary about him, and reassuring, as I wanted him to know the cancer made no difference to me.

Next morning, tiny bit awkward and no affection from him whatsoever. Had a cuppa and a long chat. He talked about his ex a fair bit and how much she'd hurt him, and I talked about my ex. I really felt we'd been intimate emotionally and physically.

Since then, he's cooled right off. We'd made plans to go out tonight the last time we chatted (Monday). And I've heard nothing since....

The hardest part in all.of this is the continual rejection and thinking there's something inherently repellent about me. He was so keen and really didn't seem tje f*boy type. I feel like I just want to give up. Not sure I can take anymore male rejection. Thanks ladies.

I think you need to be single for a while. Take up a hobby, join a club, catch up with old friends. Learn to be happy in your own, you may well find the right man along the way, but if you don't, you'll be confident and happy and in the right frame of mind to meet someone.

Thanks @nomad86. But I have a very full social life, lots of friends, a good career, a gorgeous son and plenty of interests. I've been single for more than two years and would just like to meet someone nice to casually date. I think 2 years is long enough to be alone, personally. I do understand what you mean but i enjoy having someone in my bed every now and then. I'm a very sexual person and miss the closeness that brings. I'm beginning to think there's something physically wrong with me.

This is less about OLD being shit and more about this bloke being shit

Let's be honest - OLD is mostly shit. You've got to have a thick skin.

lemonsouffle - are you meeting men in real life at all? Any hobbies or groups you can join? Take the press off OLD, but that being said, keep going with it - while it is mostly junk, a rare gem may be found.

Hang in there x

He sounds like a bit of a chancer and like he's embarrassed to have shared that much

You definitely should take a break from dating, to go from a long relationship and betrayal to more bad relationships is just a recipe for pain

Why don't you spend some time alone? If you have a full life, why is it unfulfilling to be by yourself? Your esteem issues will always be there until you work on them

And being with someone to avoid being lonely means your picking finger is a lot less discerning. You'll put up with a lot of shit

Like this guy just sounds like he's decided for himself that he's not ready for or interested in this. Which is not your fault or even necessarily about you - other than that surely someone else is out there for you

I was you, low self esteem after a failed long term relatiinship. Threw myself into online dating as subconsciously wanted to reaffirm I was still attractive. Accepted a whole host of wrong guys. Realised this was making me feel worse not better and accepted life being single. You know what, I really started to appreciate life, my kids, the small stuff. Spent 6 years celibate ..... whilst I missed the intimacy, I'm not one who enjoys sex without emotion, so o.n.s weren't an option. I hadn't considered meeting anyone, it was totally off the radar. I'm 2 weeks into something new, met on a night out (although knew him from years ago). He's not at all my 'type' but it feels right. No idea if it will work out, but if it doesn't I'm not afraid of life alone, and that's a strong position to be in. What I'm trying to say is take time to just be you, it really does work.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to answer. I'm not sure why my life doesn't feel full, but it doesn't. I've been with someone my entire adult life and miss sex, intimacy and someone to share life with. Plus I'm 41 - feels like I'm wasting the last of my attractive years being single. I'm a very sexual person and the thought of being celibate for 6 years is pretty awful to me! This last guy was so keen and seemingly into me but completely changed after we slept together. He's now suggesting his cancer may have returned, saying he is facing a 'little battle' and just wants to hide himself away. If that's the case it's terrible but all seems a bit odd. I'm sure sleeping with someone when you've had testicular cancer must be a pretty big deal, maybe I was just absolutely rubbish!

People sometimes just don't feel the spark during sex. It's happened to me, with guys who were truly lovely and objectively attractive. That might be what happened here and he might feel absolutely shit about it. Hence being weird and making excuses.

I'm sorry it's knocked your confidence though.

Would it be better to just look for sexual partners, without looking for an actual relationship? Take the pressure off a bit?

While you may have been single for two years if you were invested in the narc bloke for 18 months it’s not the same as being properly single?

Maybe instead of thinking in terms of relationships you need to aim for a period of at least six months when there is no man in your head if that makes sense? Or a period when you’re not invested in a man which you can still be while technically single

Also I wonder if it moved too quickly for this guy into intimacy? Not so much physical intimacy but emotional intimacy which does scare some men more

I too think it's important to fill that gap yourself and not with a man.

You've actually had no time to face everything that you've been through with your awful relationship fallout.

Take a long time out. By having space you face yourself. You are feeling pretty battered from what you say, and that will only get worse with experiences of unknown partners.
Build yourself up, be selfish, and enjoy that.
Actively avoid any male company on that level.

I'm not sure if you're interested in another long term relationship or some good shagging?

How do you know testicle guy was being truthful? It may be his thing to get women into bed.

If you want another ltr, stay out of bed with guys until you know they are smitten, really smitten by you. Any guy can pretend for a few dates.

If you want to shag, do so when you feel like it (just be smart with protection, birth control etc,) but don't expect anything else from it. Just enjoy and don't worry about hearing from them. Plus, I imagine there might be some you wouldn't want to hear from again. :)

Maybe go the opposite direction with OLD - don't quit it, but have multiple men on the go so if one or two or three fade in and out, it's no big deal because man 4 and 5 are still around and 6 through 10 are on the horizon. You can't get bogged down on 1 man.

I'm related to several women who refuse to be single, so when one relationship or marriage ends, they Power Date with OLD - filter through loads of men on OLD at once, they keep it on a spreadsheet - they are looking for marriage only and toss men at the 1st red flag. Yes, it's clinical, but it works for them.

You weren't really single for 2 years. You spent 18 months involved with man who used you.

That And your marriage takes time to recover from.

Old wasn't my bag either. The thought of meeting up with someone filled me with dread.

It may not be for you. But I think you need time to learn to be on your own. I took it and it's made me much better. I feel much stronger in a relationship must more secure.

I agree with others that you don't seem to have had much if any time of being single if your marriage ended two years ago but you've had an 18 month relationship since plus some time with the new guy? It sounds like you're not really happy being single and I think you need to take some time to get into that headspace before dating again as then you'll probably make better choices.

I think you need to put this is perspective. You have been in relationships with two men that treated you badly.

You slept with another who cooled off after you fooled around and you are saying it's about you?

Be rational here. The most likely scenario is that he was only after one thing and doesn't want you thinking about a relationship or dating with him.

A lot of men use online dating vfor sex (and yes, women too).

He wasn't repulsed by you because he got naked with you and didnt leap out of the bed in horror when he saw all your bits!

It sounds like you could do with some counselling to work out why you stayed with the middle guy for as long as you did. Likely you were finding it difficult to accept the betrayal of your ex husband and the loneliness that can come from a separation.

Your sadness and neediness isn't unusual given what you've been through. But talking it out will help you heal so you don't stay with idiots to fill a void.

The last guy sounds very rude. I bet you aren't the first he's sweet-talked into bed and ignored after. That is no reflection on you as a person!

You sound lovely and deserve a decent companion. Sometimes that takes time. You need a thick skin for OLD. Look at the online dating thread on here to see what I mean

OP you have my sympathies. I was dumped by OLD bloke who I'd been seeing since Sept yesterday. He'd also been open and honest about many aspects of his life and yesterday I felt shit and taken for a mug when he said he just wanted to be friends but after some reflection I've realised I was just wanting the relationship to work mainly for the company/life share aspect EVEN though I've a very busy life with sport, kids, friends etc and gave him waay too much leeway in my head when I should have asserted my on needs. I'm going to see it as a learning experience and follow those rules on the dating thread hard!

You sound like you have a lot going for you so I’m sure it’s not you at all. OLD is a lot like that. I would say take some time out and look after yourself.

Being with a narc is a massive blow to anyone‘s system. I have been and I think I suffer from PTSD because of it. I think being single for a while for real will do you a world of good.