I really don't know what to do

[Amibetteroffalone]

I've posted on here before under a different user name about my marriage. I'll go into as much detail as I can without giving myself away.

We have been together 10 years, married 6. We have a DC together with no plans for another. At one point during our engagement he worked away for a while. I have been cheated on in previous relationships and so I am quite insecure. Our sex life was also terrible at the time and so I searched his internet history and found some gay porn. I confronted him about it and he said he was led into through something else. This happened just before I was to send out the invitation for our wedding so about 6/8 weeks before the wedding. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We got married.

Our sex life never really made me weak at the knees. There have been times where by definition we have been living a sexless marriage. We both blame each other for it, we have sex, make up and it dwindles back to nothing again.

About 2 years ago we were going through another drought. There had been a huge row with some of his family members and it had a huge impact on us. I snooped again and found gay porn on his phone. Again I confronted him. He swore he isn't gay but that he can't explain the draw. That's it's the tabooness (if that is a word) of it. We went to a therapist together where he eventually admitted that he is a porn addict.
The sessions didn't last long as we moved twice and the cost of each session was prohibitive.
We've been kind of just coasting along through life together. I don't think we have very much closeness anymore. We talk and we are friends but I'm not sure I feel very much else for him anymore and I don't think he loves me either but he will not just say it.
I dislike discussing these issues with him because I tend to get very emotional which just pisses him off and I end up feeling like I'm insane.
The problem is... I need to make a decision soon (for reasons I don't want to get into). Splitting up will greatly affect our DC as DC is highly emotional and loves our little family unit. We don't really argue much but I am just not sure if I really want to stay in a relationship where I don't feel valued. I genuinely also feel like I just don't want to be with anyone else.
And tbh I really don't think he is gay but that his porn addiction has completely changed his attired to sex and relationships entirely. He also grew up in a very unloving, unsupported environment which has had a huge impact on him.

So what's your question?

Am I better off alone?

Also wanted to add that over the last 5 years he has become increasingly religious and as I'm an atheist it is really bothering me he was an non practising Catholic when we met but now he goes to mass every Sunday, reads bible passages and websites daily and wears religious jewellery.

Anyone?

Life is too short to be miserable. If you’re unhappy your child will be, so you should leave.

You’re not happy. You don’t seem to like him very much. Children need role models for adult relationships which are happy, healthy and functional. You aren’t providing that because you don’t love your husband and are bored of him and don’t trust him and he doesn’t sound much like he loves you.

You can end your marriage. You don’t have to be a certain amount miserable enough to walk away. You probably shouldn’t have got married. And your child will be fine. Unhappy detached parents are worse than divorced parents.

The religion would bother me more than the porn. It would sound a warning bell to me but then I'm very agnostic.

Fundamentally, it sounds like you're just not compatible. Don't settle! I wouldn't even bother exploring this with a view to fixing it. Just move on. (But I am very black & white and comfortable with absolutes. Might not suit you)

My oh got increasingly religious while he was covering up his previous cheating, but trying to convince ppl (and himself?) that he was a decent person. Funnily enough, now that the secret is out, he no longer goes to church. Don't know if that's a link worth thinking about?
But yes, if he has a porn addiction which he keeps on covering up, you're probably better off without him.

We only get one shot at life OP. Please don't spend a large chunk of this precious time living a celibate life with a porn-addicted, bible-reading bloke who doesn't value you. If the best thing that you can say about the relationship is that you don't argue much then it's really not worth saving.

I sometimes watch lesbian porn but I know I'm not gay. Most men would see watching gay porn as the man being gay or bi sexual. It boils down to your always going to wondering if he is watching gay porn and is he gay because of your lack of sex life. Like pp had posted why do you want to live the rest of your life being unhappy?

If he is gay then the suddenly religious dedication is 'understandable'. He's trying not to be gay and thinks god can 'save' him if he is devoted enough. I've seen this happen before to people who try to deny their sexuality. They convince themselves they can pray the gay away. But in actual fact it just makes them hate themselves more are they are convinced their sexuality makes them a sinner.

Is he addicted to straight porn too or just gay? He is at the least bisexual, but not prepared to admit it so porn addiction is his way of covering up his sexuality. He sees that as less 'shameful' than being gay.

But it's not just the sex that's a problem, it's also that he belittles you for wanting to discuss it and getting justifiably emotion about the fact your marraige is in name only. He is repressing himself and doesn't want to confront this himself so he sure as hell doesn't want you doing it either.

You both seem in denial about how bad this marraige is. Surely two happier separated parents is better for your child than a cloud of unhappiness and plodding along?

Thanks for the replies. I don't think he is using the religion to cover up his sexuality but I do think that he has replaced one addiction with another.
I've tried leaving before but I always stay. I am a sahm which is part of the reason. I own my own place but I couldn't afford the mortgage alone. I genuinely don't see myself ever wanting a relationship again after this.
One of the reasons I stay is I don't really like his family having too much access to our DC. The gp because they show DC no love or affection, dc is ignored in their company. The rest dislike me due to argument a couple of years back when I refused to accept their shitty treatment of me and DC anymore.

You don't suit each other anymore, or perhaps never did. Yes you probably would be better off with other people or alone.

Life is far too short to live it unhappy. You both deserve better.