OP- don't be too scared about the future. Actually you DO have options. You can work on your marriage, and/or you can work on ending your marriage. Neither is easy, but both can eventually have good outcomes.
Since you are most unsure about post-divorce here is a sense of what it can be like..... It is very challenging, but lots of us manage it and it will be OK!
[of course you should get RL legal advice ]
The Unpleasant Difficult part....
- you will go through a horrible period when you ask a solicitor to announce separation/divorce and you and STBXH (soon to be ex husband) live separated under the same roof while the child arrangements and finances get agreed. (Neither of you can force the other to move out, and until you have an agreement on parenting arrangements it would be practically impossible for you to move with your child). There is a horrible atmosphere 24/7. You take steps to ring fence time with DC and financial risk. e.g. make sure you are around approx 50% of the time for your DC, don't let DH claim all the weekends or force you to work later or longer in order to call into question your ability to be home for DC. Cut back your work hours to what is manageable with the stress of divorce, and which enables you to be 'present' for DC. Take a mortgage 'holiday' if you can and need, or switch to interest free mortgage. End any joint accounts and provide STBXH with money each month --- ask a solicitor how much you should be giving him and get the solicitor to write a letter explaining the basis on which the money is being paid (e.g. only until a financial split is agree/decided)
- you will probably get 50:50 care of your child if you do decide to split (and that will be 50:50 during the week and 50:50 weekends). Hopefully your STBXH will see the writing on the wall, and you can agree a pattern of 50:50 care relatively quickly. To do this, you or your solicitor will point out that your child will be at school 5 days a week relatively soon, and it is in your child's best interest to spend at least 50% of time with mum, especially as (hopefully) you will be able to set up your work so that you can be around for DC not too late in the afternoon on the days that your DC spends with you. e.g. no later than 4.30/5/5.30pm on the days with you. It would be best for this to be as early as humanly possible for your child; you can extend your work hours when they are a bit older and/or the divorce arrangements are firmly in place).
- one of the points of conflict could be which school your DC commences with. Presumably you will be applying in January 2019? Think about whether you want to discuss preferred schools with 'D'H before or after you announce the marriage is over,
- if there is no proof of adultery, another point of conflict is whether you seek a divorce based on 'unreasonable' behaviour or wait for the time to pass after which you both 'consent' to divorce. Talk to a solicitor about this.
- your current asset and debts will probably be split 50:50. This might not be the case if your marriage has been short and you had significantly different finances prior to the marriage
- each of you will have less money after you split, and so perhaps you will have to make do with a smaller not-so-nice house, and less cash for holidays etc. (Spend time browsing website about how to decorate and organise small family houses/apartments - it will make you feel better ; )
- If you've been married quite a long time, he might get a solicitor who argues that you should give him part of your pension entitlements that you've earned to date, and/or pay him some spousal maintenance on top of the 50:50 split. Talk to your solicitor. Rather than fight to the death trying to oppose it - it might be easiest and simplest to offer a bit of a lump sum in lieu, making sure that your solicitor stipulates that the deal is a final once-and-for-all-order. Try to see it as buying your way to freedom and the cost of avoiding a long drawn out process. Both of these are very valuable for you, and since you have a good earning potential, you will get over the chagrin.
NOW the good bits - after you get the above out of the way:
8) you rent/buy a place for you and your DC to move into. Even something simple and run down can be a place where you can be happy when you are together and where you can potter happily when your DC is not with you. If finances are tight after you split - you might want to rent while you get your finances back in order, and figure out what you can afford if you buy
9) you decorate your new home with pictures, furniture, crockery, soft furnishings that make you feel happy (this is so liberating and not difficult)
10) you enjoy conflict days in your own home day-after-day, month-after-month. This is also wonderful.
11) you don't worry about what sort of housing/new life your exH organises. He might move into a small box because that's all he can afford or he might surprise you and move in with a wealthy woman or his parents. Don't let yourself get drawn into the drama of his new life. His life is his. You can't control it. Your DC will inevitably be part of it, but you still can't control it. His new woman might play happy families with your DC. Don't worry - DC will still love you and in a very special way. The new woman will be more like an auntie. Or the new woman may be unkind to your DC. Again don't worry. In time it might work out in your favour because you can offer to have DC more of the time, to give exH more time with new woman. Try to teach your DC the emotional skills to deal with whatever life throws up.
12) you stick to the agreed pattern of care for DC. You do simple homely things together while DC gets used to the new arrangements and finds their feet at school. Watch TV together, play cards, read books, go to the park, go to the movies, cook, shop for clothes. You don't have to yield to another adult's demands. You just plan your day with your DC purely to suit the two of you. This is marvellous and you can have such happy times.
13) You keep contact with your DH absolutely minimal, unless it feels useful and conflict free to have more contact.
14) you find a therapist and talk a lot about what led to your first marriage, why it went wrong, who you are, and what you want for you and your DC. This is really positive and helpful for making you a better parent and a stronger, happier, person.
15) you hope to god that DC is happy when they are with their father. But you remember that whether they have been lucky or not in the father-stakes, there is nothing you can do to change the identity of their biological father, and unless he is abusive - there will be positives in your DC having a relationship with their father, and over the years, your DC will get the measure of the real him.
16) you start spending more time with existing friends, new friends, family, hobbies. Your feel stronger and more able to change the things you can control and accept the things you can't control.
17) and eventually you might try OLD. Who knows, you might meet a new and better love on your first date. (I did!)
In time, you realise that divorce was one of the the hardest but best things you did for you and your DC.