Can you go NC quietly?

[CartoonCat]

There's someone quite toxic in my life who I've tried to go NC about three times and always failed because our lives overlap so completely. I know without a shadow of a doubt my life will be better without him in it.

BUT - in the past, going NC and telling him so has caused dramas, and because he has narc tendencies the pattern was him essentially smoking me out of nc then hurting me.

I've been given a new chance to try though as he's moving to another city shortly. Because I know he'll be back I don't want the drama and hurt of being smoked out again though.

Does anyone have any tips of achieving my goal without him knowing that I've done so? IE is there a way of blocking someone on FB without removing them as a friend (it was defriending him last time that turned things bad). Has anyone else managed NC without actually drawing attention to it?

Yeh don't announce it.

whatever drama baits or boundary infringements you responded to with a strong defence in the past, now, wait a few hours or days (or just longer) to respond and make sure the response is short and cannot be argued with. Like ''ok right''. Just be a boring person whose responses do not provide 'supply'. Cease to be a source.
Telling them you're going NC can really ignite their indignation. THEY will decide when they're done communicating with you!

Obviously you can unfollow somebody on fb and they won't know.

Unfollow on Facebook. And don't say you are going NC. Just slowly fade away - take ages to reply if he contacts you. And then keep your replies short and inoffensive, like "great, yeah". Let the relationship die of boredom.

Going No Contact doesn't require telling the person, and true No Contact means no way to create drama, because you don't just stop contact with that person, you stop contact with anyone who has anything to do with them, and block all means of access to you - so email, text etc.

If this is impossible due to work or children, go 'low contact', and grey rock (you can google it) - it's basically as described above - no emotional response, and if he contacts you, only factual response that answers work questions. Ignore anything unrelated to work/children/whatever.

You can also exclude him from seeing your posts on Facebook. If you do that and unfollow him he'll still appear on your friends list but neither of you will see each other's posts.

Definitely don't announce it, just slowly step away back and back. His moving will help with that.

Only answer calls or texts generically and start leaving longer gaps between replies. Eventually you can just stop altogether. Unfollow on face book and then stop him seeing your posts and then eventually remove him from your friends. If there is anyone you are mutual friends with but are much closer to you, you could ask them to stop mentioning you or answer questions with a generic "Oh I don't know" or similar (only if you're absolutely sure they're not going to sell you out though)

Eventually it will be so low contact he won't notice the stop and then you can truly purge by blocking his number, email and social media (Although as mentioned above you can't always control social interactions where he talks about you). It could take a while to get there, but think of it as a carefully planned retreat.

I've been doing this for years with my step dad and this year have gone nc. He did notice unfortunately and has tried to call me a few times but I've now blocked his number and my sisters know to tell him nothing about me. It's liberating!

Think grey rock technique
mute yourself
Grey yourself out

You can build and maintain bridges between you and other people
You can destroy them but that tends to create heat and drama and a reaction
Alternatively you can stop maintaining them, just let them wither and crumble

Thanks all! I’ll try my hardest to do as you suggest. It’s hard though isn’t it?

Be prepared because he will notice, even if it takes a while. And if he has narc tendencies, he'll revel in creating drama from it.

IT is hard yes, and it can take a lot of planning and careful thought. It will be worth it in the long run. You just have to remember not to get sucked into any drama.

Good Luck.

What kind of planning have others had to do?

It's mainly not rising to any bait - and recognising whatever it is as bait. It can feel like each communication from them is different, especially if they have a reason for getting in touch. But really it's all one, long continuum of one thing after another to draw you back in.