A shove

[lrh3891]

During an argument, my ex- who still spends a couple of nights a week at my place because of our dc- flew out of his seat, grabbed my upper arm and shoved me through the (open) doorway and slammed the door in my face. He hurt my arm and I was very frightened, but he didn't do anything else.

He told me I'm being ridiculous when I said he made me feel frightened in my own home. I wanted to sleep in dc's room with the door locked but he took the key so I couldn't.

I think this is on its way to violence, but he is completely rubbishing it and saying he just wanted me out of his space because i was being a bitch (i was, a bit, but so was he. It was a fight!).

Am I right to feel afraid? Or over reacting? I think I have lost sight of what's normal. :(

Hi was physically violent to you. Don't excuse that. Do not fave him in your home again. I'd also assess if he has the potential to be violent to your dc and monitor/change contact time appropriately. Hope you're ok.

Yep a shove or grabbing is how it starts,before you know it full on beatings and irl always be “your fault”.Take care sweetheart and don’t have him in the house

Ah. Oh dear. This wasn't a whoops situation, this was a delibrate act of aggression against you. Little wonder you were feeling frightened. I have an aweful temper, I mean it's terrifying. But I have the good sense not to turn it into anything physical. He did. And unfortunately this could well be the case of the dam being broken. If he carried out such an act without a hint of remorse then who's to say how much further he will go. Is a slap across the chops okay? Bruises fine as well? What about a fist?

Violence can easily begin by degrees, enough to excuse one act over and over. I can't tell you what you should do, nor would I. However in your shoes I would decline future stop overs and ensure that any future visitations include a third party or public place. Further, not that he would even entertain the idea, I would suggest he seek professional help. Best of luck.

It’s not on its way to violence, that is violence.

I would also contact Womens Aid in your particular circumstances. he showed violent behaviour towards you and that will also escalate.

Do not have him in your home again. If he wants to see his children then he can do so at a contact centre or other such place, not your home.

why does your ex stay over? thats my first question.

Why is he staying over?

Call police.
No more staying over: not sure why anyone would do that anyway.

Your home is not 'his space'. Do not allow him to stay again.

Thanks all, and sorry for the slow reply. Saturday with a small child!

It's interesting to see that there is no doubt in anyone's mind that this wasn't acceptable. He shoved me really hard but he didn't hit or anything, it feels almost insulting to people who have actually suffered from domestic violence to make a big deal of it. But you are of course right, it wasn't ok and it can not happen again. And it is an escalation from damage against my property in the summer.

To those asking why he stays over - our child is young and ex' place is very nice but isn't suitable for him to stay in. I work ft so sometimes need a night off, so ex sleeps over.

Also, he contributes to the rent since he moved out. And his condition for doing this is that he still has a room there and can stay over when he wants to see our child (we have no formal arrangement for contact!).

I guess it is all a bit of a mess. I am a mess.

I’d formalise the arrangements, tell him he no longer gets to stay and involve the police if he gets difficult. At the moment he’s getting things his own way too much

Shoving you really hard definitely is domestic violence I'm afraid. Please don't let him stay again. What were you arguing about, if you don't mind saying?
He shouldn't be staying at yours any more, it is blurring boundaries.

You have become a victim of domestic violence. This is how it starts. A shove becomes a slap and on you go.

One of the most troubling things is his total lack of remorse. He's not begging for your forgiveness, he's blaming you.

You say he is completely rubbishing it and saying he just wanted me out of his space because i was being a bitch.

This should be a turning point for you. He needs to see his DC elsewhere and you need to have your home free of your Ex.

If you really can't alter your current dysfunctional set up, then tell him very firmly that any further physical aggression and you will call the police. Make sure he understands this isn't a threat, it's a promise.

Oh God, I feel a bit sick. How have I allowed this to happen, allowed things to go this badly wrong? There was really no remorse. He came and tried to talk to me a bit later, when I said I didn't want to talk to him and asked him to give me some space because I was feeling frightened, he just stormed off. He apologised for "his part in things" this morning, then proceeded to blame it all on me, THEN got huffy because I hadn't apologised to him. He basically is only sorry because he thinks I'll use it against him if we ever do have a custody battle.

I feel so sad for my poor child. No child deserves to be in a domestic situation like this, with a mother who has no idea how to get out of it.

@ScabbyHorse it would be quite outing to go into the full details of why we were arguing. We have a lot of shit going on at the moment. He can be manipulative and narcissistic, cheated on me once that I know of and lied to me countless times. On the other hand he is sweet and loving with our child most of the time, with the odd outburst, and for many years he was my very best friend, and I loved him wholly. We still get on really well, when things are good.

The spark for the shove was that he was threatening me with something (not violence or anything) and I shot back that he should really be more careful about threatening me seeing as he is asking me to lie appear in court for him as a witness in a case in which he is very definitely guilty. I shouldn't have said it, it was stupid and I didn't even mean it. And yeah, it resulted in me being shoved out of the room.

I know it sounds like eastenders and he sounds like some kind of violent thug...we are actually both very normal, quiet people with good jobs and nice friends and so on. It's just....one of us has a temper and one of us is a bit weak.

That's assult. No if or buts. I'm in a similar situation with DD. Just call 101 or 999

What ever you do do NOT lie for this man in court. If you do you risk going to jail and loosing custody of the kids.
Talk to women's aid, make arrangements so that you can afford your own rent - move if you if need to. He sees his kid at his and if he can't have his kid there, then its responsibility to find somewhere for them.
You're not in a relationship with him, separate properly (and if were in a relationship I'd be telling you to get out)
This was domestic violence. It was not OK. It was not your fault and whatever you said does not justify or excuse his violence. It was not your fault.

It is a criminal offence to lie under oath. You could find yourself in big trouble - don’t do it!
I was with my now-ex for almost 20 years. I separated from him early this year. Within 3 months he had restrained and pushed me; I let it pass although was frightened at the time. A few weeks later, he shoved me and I fell over. Again, I was upset but I kept minimising it in my mind. A few weeks later, he attacked me whilst drunk, pushing me over, grabbing my hair. This time in front of DC. I fled the house and DD called the police. Had the police not got involved I dread to think what could have happened next.

Please don’t feel responsible in any way for not “managing” this. It is not your fault. Do not let him in your house - this behaviour only escalates.

How have I allowed this to happen, allowed things to go this badly wrong?

From what you've told us you haven't done anything wrong. You didn't "allow" him to shove you. He did that and it's his to own.

I'm with PP on lying under oath. You can get into serious trouble for committing perjury. And if you lie in court for him he'll have something to hold over you - a bond, if you like - forever. Something bad and shameful you did together. Best not.

Sorry, meant to bold the first paragraph, which is a quote from the OP.

Agreed

DO NOT lie under oath for your ex! If he is pressuring you to do so then please contact Woman’s Aid or the police for advice!

Hang on? He wants you to commit the offence of perjury and his way of persuading you is physical violence??

It might be a good idea to start to untangle your previously shared life: the him keeping a room, the way contact with your DC is operating.... Dare I say his control?

You don't have to do anything dramatic necessarily, if you don't want (other than what is required to keep you & DC safe) just
maybe start to change the parameters a little

You're worth more than this

Don't lie for him in court, you'd be committing an offence yourself. Don't let him stay over anymore, he's clearly not a safe person for you or your child to be around. See a solicitor and get a formal custody agreement asap.

It’s not on its way to violence, that is violence.
Totally agree. He is a manipulating mindful and you need to get everything to do with him on a formal footing.

@lrh3891 I'm sorry to hear he is making you lie for him in court. He sounds very volatile and you are being coerced. I think you need urgent help from people who understand domestic violence. Ie women's aid or the police. I have been in a similar position to you and wish I had got support sooner. I tried to manage it all on my own so as not to upset him. It took an enormous toll on me and my ds. Please take a stand against this and protect your child. And don't lie in court!